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#1
12-14-2012, 05:17 AM
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jokes : offtopik
my daughters
/ why did little sally fall off the swing ? because she had no arms knock knock ? who's there not sally -
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ui\ 
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#2
12-14-2012, 06:23 AM
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Too funny, that's one of my oldest dead pan jokes.
True story: My freshman year in college I went out for the Crew team. It was a couple of weeks in and I had been mostly keeping to myself since I didn't know people that well. We had been out on the water for a couple hours and were coming back in. When we were close to the docks the coxswain starts telling jokes. Pretty soon everyone is throwing them out. There is a lull as we're getting out of the eight so at that moment I throw out a dead pan: "Why did the little girl fall off the swing?" ......"Uh, I don't know, why." "She had no arms." There was a moment of quiet as everyone turned to look at me....and then everyone was rolling on the dock LTA'sO. It probably had more to do with that fact that I hadn't said much up to that point, and then all of a sudden dropped that bomb. Dark joke I know but that memory makes me laugh every time. William
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#4
12-14-2012, 06:48 AM
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Guy loses his job, packs up his desk, and at 10:30am dejectedly ducks into a bar down the street to drown his sorrows.
He sits alone at the bar, orders a drink, bartender brings it. He takes a sip, and hears a tiny, high-pitched voice say "Nice tie!" He looks over at the bartender, who is busy washing glasses. Takes another sip. "You look really handsome" says the little voice. He looks around; the bar is empty except for him and the bartender. "You seem really smart" says the voice. The bartender sees the guy looking confused and tells him "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
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#5
12-14-2012, 12:53 PM
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your momma is so short she does backflips under her bed
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#6
12-14-2012, 01:01 PM
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A guy get's a job as a door to door tooth brush salesman. He knocks on doors all day and can't seem to sell any tooth brushes.
One day, he runs into another sales man for the same company, who seems to be doing well. He asks the successful salesman for his secret. "well, I usually bake some cookies, give them to the customer, and then tell them about cavities and sugar, and how brushing their teeth will help. I create the need in their mind for a tooth brush." So, the guy nods, thanks the successful salesman for his tip, and gets to thinking. The next day he knocks on a door, a woman answers. "Ma'am, I'm a tooth brush salesman, but before I get to that, would you like to try one of my home made brownies?" "Why yes, that would be wonderful." But as soon as she takes her first bite, she spits it out and exclaims, "This brownie tastes like ****!" To which the salesman replies, "it is ****. want to buy a tooth brush?"
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And we have just one world, But we live in different ones
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#7
12-14-2012, 01:08 PM
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a squirrel scampers into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but clear cellophane plastic wrapped around his body. the psychiatrist takes one look at him and exclaims; "clearly, i can see you're nuts." nuk nuk nuk!
mr. squirrel
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Skittering To and Fro........
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#9
12-14-2012, 02:03 PM
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A guy with a bad stutter finally gets a job selling Bibles. But the owners aren't very sure he will be successful. He starts slow but suddenly after 2 months he is selling more Bibles than rest of the saleforce combined. He's called into corporate.
" How are you so successful they ask ?" " Wwwwhhh... en thhhey annnnswwwer. I ask- Ddddooo yyouuu waannt ttooo.. Bbbuy a Bbbiible ? Ooorr do yyouuu waant mmmme to rreaad it too you ?"
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Life is short-enjoy every day.
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#10
12-14-2012, 02:17 PM
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My daughter must go to the same school.
Her other joke: Where did Susie go when the bombs fell? Everywhere. Quote:
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#11
12-14-2012, 05:41 PM
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Quote:
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in vermont ? Anywhere else and it wouldve been called a "teethbrush" ........ What do a hurricane, tornado, and vermont divorce have in common ? By the time its over you know someone is going to lose a trailerhome. ........ In kansas you can see your dog run away from home for three days. Five days if you stand on your roof.
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#13
12-14-2012, 06:16 PM
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Why arent vermonters able to get into SeaWorld ?
No fishing poles allowed Why do vermonters have TGIF. On their shoes ? Toes Go In First
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#14
12-14-2012, 06:31 PM
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Quote:
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#15
12-14-2012, 06:34 PM
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Contains foul language
My favorite dirty joke...
Guy is standing on an elevator next to an attractive worm. He then looks at her and asks "can I smell your pu$$y?" Offended, she says, "of course you can not!" "Well, it must be your feet then", he says.
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