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Old 04-11-2011, 12:04 PM
Nooch Nooch is offline
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Completely OT: What's it take to make it work...?

Gents (and the few Ladies who frequent the board),

In a few short days I'll be off to Las Vegas for my nuptials. While I was expecting to be more nervous than I am, I'm actually quite collected. I'm making out like a bandit, with a beautiful wife, who has an equally wonderful, large, welcoming family.

But somewhere in the back of my mind is a constant lingering. Both of our parents are divorced, mine particularly messy, with an unknown number of affairs of both fronts leading to a lack of desire to try to make it work. I like to think that we both, thanks to getting thru the experience of that fairly unscathed, have a pretty good understanding of what it takes, how to resolve the little things before they become big things, etc.. But I still wonder.

So I ask you, since for the most part you all of the benefit of age and wisdom on me, for your advice as I start this next ride. I've got one shoe clipped in on the starting line, getting ready to sit in and enjoy the ride..
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  #2  
Old 04-11-2011, 12:14 PM
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rugbysecondrow rugbysecondrow is offline
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Clip the second shoe in as quickly as possible and pedal hard. I have been married for 10 years (longer than some but less than many others) and I find that when folks are committed and work towards something, they are more successful. When people get married with an out, with a lack of full commitment, then quitting or self destruction is an viable option. Also, know that things will be hard sometimes, you will fall and it will hurt. Life is not always perfect and expecting it to be so will set you up for failure. Trust and commitment will overcome a lot, because love alone will not always be enough.

It is a wonderful institution for those willing to commit and commit fully. For those that aren't, they might as well not go through the trouble.

Enjoy and best of luck for a long married life.

Paul

Last edited by rugbysecondrow; 04-11-2011 at 12:18 PM.
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  #3  
Old 04-11-2011, 12:15 PM
dave thompson dave thompson is offline
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Lots of thought, perseverance, understanding, listening and of course love.

You take a vow; to cherish, to hold, to love, for better or worse, 'til death do you part. Listen to the words and understand them. It will help you in your journey.

Your wife should also be a best friend. Your wife being a riding partner would help too!

The very best to you both.
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Old 04-11-2011, 12:32 PM
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AngryScientist AngryScientist is offline
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i think cyclist are probably above average as marriage partners - who else knows more about the joys of pain and suffering than us eh?

seriously though, i think you just have to take it day by day, and have fun as often as you can. labor through the hard times as a team and enjoy the good ones, they'll both come, undoubtedly.

it's such a cliche response, but IMO communication is absolutely key. the minute one of you starts holding feelings back, withholding information or bottling up anti-trust, anger, emotions, etc - thats where the problems start. if you love each other, there isnt much you cant talk through if you start talking early.

good luck buddy, have fun out there!!
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  #5  
Old 04-11-2011, 12:35 PM
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goonster goonster is offline
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Studies have shown: It takes "we-ness". You have to come to think of yourselves as a team first and foremost. Couples that fight, and even display negative emotions toward each other, stay together as long as the commitment is unassailable. The only emotion that is truly poisonous to a relationship is contempt.

Hey, you asked what it takes to stay together. Advice on how to be happy costs extra.

Seriously, all the best to you*!

(* = plural, of course)
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Old 04-11-2011, 12:42 PM
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veloduffer veloduffer is online now
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I'm only a 15-year veteran whose wife was a friend for 15 years before we started dating. In our 15 years, I can count on one hand the number of arguments (more like disagreements). Here's what I think makes it work for us:

1- Respect: despite a disparity in providing income to the house and education levels, we respect each other's opinions and feelings. I can't tell how many folks that I see where it is a one-way kind of relationship that generally fails in the long run (right after the kids are gone).

2- Values: most folks date on common interests (eg biking) but the key is sharing common values because that's ultimately what you are working towards and want to instill in your kids.

3- Communication: we all know it but sometimes you need to step back before you open your mouth, especially when angry or irritated. Think about whether what bothers you is trivial in the scheme of things; if it is, talk about it when you're calm and can talk politely. Never use personal insults - talk about the issue and don't be accusatory. My big recommendation - never go to bed angry. Settle it then and there because festering makes the issue worse.

4 - Compromise: unless it is extremely high priority, compromise on minor issues (there's always a middle ground).

5- Division of labor: there is none! Laundry, dishwashing, gardening etc is a team effort. Always ask how can you help.

6- Laugh whenever you can.
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  #7  
Old 04-11-2011, 12:49 PM
slowandsteady slowandsteady is offline
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The Art of a Good Marriage by Wilferd Arlan Peterson


The little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands, It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day. It is never going to bed angry. It is never taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.

 It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have wings of an angel.

It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding rooms for the things of spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal. It is not marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

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Old 04-11-2011, 12:51 PM
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Kevan Kevan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dave thompson
Lots of thought, perseverance, understanding, listening and of course love.

You take a vow; to cherish, to hold, to love, for better or worse, 'til death do you part. Listen to the words and understand them. It will help you in your journey.

Your wife should also be a best friend. Your wife being a riding partner would help too!

The very best to you both.
+1

And know this...you both will evolve and change over time from what you are today. Living life has that effect. Some of it will be very good, then some of it... you both will have to accommodate. Personally, even during the most difficult times, there was no way I wanted to mess up what I already had, a family.
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  #9  
Old 04-11-2011, 12:57 PM
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Aaron O Aaron O is offline
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I don't know if i have answers for you, but I'm a newlywed and we were fighting like cats and dogs immediately before and after the wedding. I thought we were splitting up.

Anyway...my trite answer is communication and don't be afraid to ask for help. We had some big issues that were happening around us (her brother's drug use, my work schedule...lots of things...prenup...family problems...finances..etc.) and were really not coping well. While the things causing problems were serious outside of us, the real key was learning we had to deal with things as a couple, not as individuals. We were used to acting for our selves and had to learn how to adjust to the other person's needs, weaknesses...etc. For us, a counselor was absolutely critical.

I felt really intimidated about seeing a counselor. I thought if we're having problems this early, we're in deep poo. I was scared and felt overwhelmed. I had some machismo stuff as well. The truth is that no matter what people tell you, no matter what you see in movies...the first year is the hardest. It's not a non-stop blissed out honeymoon. It's TOTALLY normal to not be in honeymoon land and have issues right away. Don't beat yourself up about it...talk and get help.

We've only been married for 7 months now, so I'm hardly an expert...but from my short time, I've learned it takes work and commitment. If things aren;t going well, you have to MAKE them work. I guess what I'm really trying to say is...I wish someone had told me it was normal to have problems early on. If you think about it, it makes sense...but I wasn't thinking (at least not with my brain). If you do have issues...it's OK. It doesn't mean you're going to split up. It just means you have work to do...and I'm really glad we got help early on.

Last edited by Aaron O; 04-11-2011 at 01:10 PM.
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  #10  
Old 04-11-2011, 12:58 PM
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brians647 brians647 is offline
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You'll be fine. You've got the right attitude and appreciate others.

When things get uncomfortable, just burn the ships of doubt (aka, divorce), and finding a solution will be much easier. You can't escape your past, but remember that you are capable of molding your future.

I've seen some bad bike crashes, but I'm not going to stop riding - would you?

Rugby put it well...

Quote:
Originally Posted by rugbysecondrow
Clip the second shoe in as quickly as possible and pedal hard. I have been married for 10 years (longer than some but less than many others) and I find that when folks are committed and work towards something, they are more successful. When people get married with an out, with a lack of full commitment, then quitting or self destruction is an viable option. Also, know that things will be hard sometimes, you will fall and it will hurt. Life is not always perfect and expecting it to be so will set you up for failure. Trust and commitment will overcome a lot, because love alone will not always be enough.

It is a wonderful institution for those willing to commit and commit fully. For those that aren't, they might as well not go through the trouble.

Enjoy and best of luck for a long married life.

Paul

Go get married, have fun, and if you choose to be parents, show your kids how it's done.
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  #11  
Old 04-11-2011, 01:12 PM
buck-50 buck-50 is offline
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1 Flexibility of expectations for you and her.
You will change. She will change. If you expect everything to be as it was before you got married, if you expect everything to be as it was even 10 minutes ago, you will fail. Expect everything to change. But understand that everything changes NOT because you got married but because change is the only constant.

2 Ability to function separately and together.
There will be times when she is hammered at work and cannot give you any attention besides a quick peck on the cheek. You need to be able to understand that it's not about you. and vice-versa. There will be times when you are stuck together at you absolute worst, say, you are both swamped at work and you've both managed to catch the same stomach flu. You need to be able to get through that.

3 Understanding that the grass is not greener.
You will get fat. She will get out of shape. You will have a kid and you won't have sex for a year. You need to be able to tell yourself that it's just a phase, you are in it for the long haul no matter how unpleasant it is right now it's more pleasant than getting a divorce.

4 You need to remove the rose tinted glasses when looking at how things were before you got married.
Remember how boring and uncomfortable being single was. Remember the "joy" of dating. Remember that being single basically sucked 24-7 except that you could ride more and leave the toilet seat up.

Talk, be honest, when you are scared let her know.

That's been good so far for me. Not perfect, but not bad.
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:27 PM
gone gone is offline
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My wife and I have been married for 38 years. I'm not sure there's an "answer" as to what makes one marriage work and so many others fall apart but a good number of the things that I think describe our marriage have already been mentioned:
  • Respect each other. She obviously has qualities that appealed to you enough to make you want to marry her and probably a lot of qualities you haven't seen yet (good and bad) - that's what makes marriage interesting (and challenging).
  • Be friends first and foremost.
  • Communicate.
  • Support each others interests, not just lip service, do it.
  • When you're angry, wait until you're not and talk about it.
  • Don't go to bed angry with each other.
  • Manage your finances and make your decisions as a team. That doesn't mean you have to get "permission" to do everything but it also doesn't mean you can run roughshod over your partner. Work out what sorts of things you can each decide on your own and what you need to talk over.
  • Divide up the crap jobs (cooking, lawn care, laundry, housekeeping, etc). You're not getting a maid, you're getting a wife.
  • Be faithful, it's "until death do us part" not "until something better comes along". That trite saying about trust taking a lifetime to build and a second to destroy is absolutely true.
  • Tell her you love her, every day. In my case, I've not missed a day in all the time we've been married and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't tell her how lucky I am to have her - not one.
  • Don't just tell her you care, show her. Hold her hand when you take a walk, give her the occasional hug. The little gestures mean a lot.
Probably a lot more.
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  #13  
Old 04-11-2011, 01:37 PM
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Aaron O Aaron O is offline
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Post was too personal...deleted.

Just don't be afraid to not have answers.

Last edited by Aaron O; 04-11-2011 at 01:48 PM.
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  #14  
Old 04-11-2011, 01:42 PM
chuckred chuckred is offline
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Just remember these two words:

"Yes, dear."

We're only 28 years in so far, so what do I know?
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  #15  
Old 04-11-2011, 01:44 PM
dave thompson dave thompson is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chuckred
"Yes, dear."

We're only 28 years in so far, so what do I know?
Yup, happy wife, happy life! 27 here.
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