Completely OT: What's it take to make it work...?

[Nooch]

Gents (and the few Ladies who frequent the board),

In a few short days I'll be off to Las Vegas for my nuptials. While I was expecting to be more nervous than I am, I'm actually quite collected. I'm making out like a bandit, with a beautiful wife, who has an equally wonderful, large, welcoming family.

But somewhere in the back of my mind is a constant lingering. Both of our parents are divorced, mine particularly messy, with an unknown number of affairs of both fronts leading to a lack of desire to try to make it work. I like to think that we both, thanks to getting thru the experience of that fairly unscathed, have a pretty good understanding of what it takes, how to resolve the little things before they become big things, etc.. But I still wonder.

So I ask you, since for the most part you all of the benefit of age and wisdom on me, for your advice as I start this next ride. I've got one shoe clipped in on the starting line, getting ready to sit in and enjoy the ride..

[rugbysecondrow]

Clip the second shoe in as quickly as possible and pedal hard. I have been married for 10 years (longer than some but less than many others) and I find that when folks are committed and work towards something, they are more successful. When people get married with an out, with a lack of full commitment, then quitting or self destruction is an viable option. Also, know that things will be hard sometimes, you will fall and it will hurt. Life is not always perfect and expecting it to be so will set you up for failure. Trust and commitment will overcome a lot, because love alone will not always be enough.

It is a wonderful institution for those willing to commit and commit fully. For those that aren't, they might as well not go through the trouble.

Enjoy and best of luck for a long married life.

Paul

[brians647]

You'll be fine. You've got the right attitude and appreciate others.

When things get uncomfortable, just burn the ships of doubt (aka, divorce), and finding a solution will be much easier. You can't escape your past, but remember that you are capable of molding your future.

I've seen some bad bike crashes, but I'm not going to stop riding - would you?

Rugby put it well...

Originally Posted by rugbysecondrow

Clip the second shoe in as quickly as possible and pedal hard. I have been married for 10 years (longer than some but less than many others) and I find that when folks are committed and work towards something, they are more successful. When people get married with an out, with a lack of full commitment, then quitting or self destruction is an viable option. Also, know that things will be hard sometimes, you will fall and it will hurt. Life is not always perfect and expecting it to be so will set you up for failure. Trust and commitment will overcome a lot, because love alone will not always be enough.

It is a wonderful institution for those willing to commit and commit fully. For those that aren't, they might as well not go through the trouble.

Enjoy and best of luck for a long married life.

Paul

Go get married, have fun, and if you choose to be parents, show your kids how it's done.

[dave thompson]

Lots of thought, perseverance, understanding, listening and of course love.

You take a vow; to cherish, to hold, to love, for better or worse, 'til death do you part. Listen to the words and understand them. It will help you in your journey.

Your wife should also be a best friend. Your wife being a riding partner would help too!

The very best to you both.

[AngryScientist]

i think cyclist are probably above average as marriage partners - who else knows more about the joys of pain and suffering than us eh?

seriously though, i think you just have to take it day by day, and have fun as often as you can. labor through the hard times as a team and enjoy the good ones, they'll both come, undoubtedly.

it's such a cliche response, but IMO communication is absolutely key. the minute one of you starts holding feelings back, withholding information or bottling up anti-trust, anger, emotions, etc - thats where the problems start. if you love each other, there isnt much you cant talk through if you start talking early.

good luck buddy, have fun out there!!

[goonster]

Studies have shown: It takes "we-ness". You have to come to think of yourselves as a team first and foremost. Couples that fight, and even display negative emotions toward each other, stay together as long as the commitment is unassailable. The only emotion that is truly poisonous to a relationship is contempt.

Hey, you asked what it takes to stay together. Advice on how to be happy costs extra.

Seriously, all the best to you*!

(* = plural, of course)

[veloduffer]

I'm only a 15-year veteran whose wife was a friend for 15 years before we started dating. In our 15 years, I can count on one hand the number of arguments (more like disagreements). Here's what I think makes it work for us:

1- Respect: despite a disparity in providing income to the house and education levels, we respect each other's opinions and feelings. I can't tell how many folks that I see where it is a one-way kind of relationship that generally fails in the long run (right after the kids are gone).

2- Values: most folks date on common interests (eg biking) but the key is sharing common values because that's ultimately what you are working towards and want to instill in your kids.

3- Communication: we all know it but sometimes you need to step back before you open your mouth, especially when angry or irritated. Think about whether what bothers you is trivial in the scheme of things; if it is, talk about it when you're calm and can talk politely. Never use personal insults - talk about the issue and don't be accusatory. My big recommendation - never go to bed angry. Settle it then and there because festering makes the issue worse.

4 - Compromise: unless it is extremely high priority, compromise on minor issues (there's always a middle ground).

5- Division of labor: there is none! Laundry, dishwashing, gardening etc is a team effort. Always ask how can you help.

6- Laugh whenever you can.

[Kevan]

Originally Posted by dave thompson

Lots of thought, perseverance, understanding, listening and of course love.

You take a vow; to cherish, to hold, to love, for better or worse, 'til death do you part. Listen to the words and understand them. It will help you in your journey.

Your wife should also be a best friend. Your wife being a riding partner would help too!

The very best to you both.

+1

And know this...you both will evolve and change over time from what you are today. Living life has that effect. Some of it will be very good, then some of it... you both will have to accommodate. Personally, even during the most difficult times, there was no way I wanted to mess up what I already had, a family.

[William]

Originally Posted by dave thompson

Lots of thought, perseverance, understanding, listening and of course love.

You take a vow; to cherish, to hold, to love, for better or worse, 'til death do you part. Listen to the words and understand them. It will help you in your journey.

Your wife should also be a best friend. Your wife being a riding partner would help too!

The very best to you both.

Very well said. We have been married for twenty years and we both come from a somewhat similar situation as yours. One way we look at is that we learned a lot of what "not" to do from our parents original marriages.

Wishing you both the very best together.


William

[SamIAm]

Treat marriage as though it's permanent, because it is designed to be.

[dave thompson]

Originally Posted by SamIAm

Treat marriage as though it's permanent, because it is designed to be.

Sorta seems like the minority view nowadays. Unfortunately.

[rugbysecondrow]

Originally Posted by SamIAm

Treat marriage as though it's permanent, because it is designed to be.

100% agree.

[Nooch]

Originally Posted by rugbysecondrow

100% agree.

Oh, we do as well. We're not going into it as an "as long as our love endures" type thing, we agree with the 'til death' part of it all. Having dealt with it as kids, it's the last thing we'd ever want to put our [future] children through. And if it wasn't there, we wouldn't be doing this, so.

[buck-50]

Originally Posted by Nooch

Oh, we do as well. We're not going into it as an "as long as our love endures" type thing, we agree with the 'til death' part of it all. Having dealt with it as kids, it's the last thing we'd ever want to put our [future] children through. And if it wasn't there, we wouldn't be doing this, so.

An important one to remember is that you can still love someone even though you don't particularly like them at the moment.

[biker72]

I've been married 50+ years.....to the same woman.

You're going to have arguments over kids, money, something. Both of you need to learn to compromise. No winners no losers.