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#46
09-10-2019, 07:28 PM
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#48
09-10-2019, 07:40 PM
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#51
09-12-2019, 08:53 AM
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I've done my thing with kids and at 50, my two girls are 26 and 19, and its been a good opportunity for me to undertake a career change which has been a challenge. I'd think at 50 if my career situation was groovy, I'd be open to having another kid, but at the same time, my gf is is my age with no kids and doesn't really want any, so it works out. I'd go for it....she may say its "ok" but that wouldn't be one of those things I'd let turn later into a regret if I could help it. Really good of you to discuss this stuff before getting married!
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#52
09-12-2019, 09:07 AM
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Late to respond as I have been thinking about what to say.
TLDNR - if you are in a relationship spot, financial/career spot and it fills a hole in both of your hearts - definitely do it, if the hole in the heart and relationship spots are not aligned, then maybe rethink. Had my first at 45 - nearly 3 years ago, it has been a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly in terms of emotions, relationship things and balancing things out. Like others here my wife is 10 years younger than me. The smile and love I get from my daughter everyday is amazing and I would not trade it for the world. I would definitely regretted not having my daughter, she fills a hole in heart I kind of knew was there, but not fully aware how big it was. The first few months were tough in terms of balancing work, sleep my wife's needs and the changes to my "selfish" pursuits have been impacted (riding, concerts, dining out, vacations), but replaced with time spent with someone who wants to learn from me and for the most part wants to share time with me. I think all in all I am ahead. My big concerns are that I will be retiring later in life (in my 70's vs 60's) in order to make sure she gets the opportunity to get through school as close to debt free as possible and that I may miss important milestones in her life when I am not around. I think having her later in life was good, as when I was younger I was not in the financial position I am in now or a head space to be calmer and more deliberate in the way I communicate and act with and towards her. Really it is a different level of maturity and mindset I bring.
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#53
09-12-2019, 09:29 AM
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I really like this thread. I am 43 with a ten year old and a seven year old both of which are turning out to be amazing, amazing human beings. I am so proud of both of them and cant wait to see the adults they become.
That said, for me, I am glad that is all we have. Two days after we came home from the hospital, I made an appointment for a vasectomy. Two months later, I could never have a kid again. I love kids, a lot. I am a baby whisperer. However for me, I don't want to be a dad to a baby, toddler, etc anymore.. There is a lot of work left to do on my two kids, as amazing as they are, and I also don't want to start the clock over on reclaiming certain elements of my life. My son started snowboarding last season and it basically changed my life, or may have been one of the best things thats ever happened to me. I was a really good snowboarder (and an ok surfer) when I was in my late teens, early 20s and I let it get away from me. His connecting to it was my reconnecting. Instead of raising a new little one, I am out on the mountain every Saturday (or was last year and will be this year) chasing him around and teaching him. We already have two trips booked this next season to Mammoth and Tahoe and I have a solo trip to Utah booked. I have him to thank for it, but I also have my decision to stop there to thank for it. I also have them to thank for keeping me off the bike. Sounds weird, but I am not interested in dying and I do not regret cutting my bike time very significantly. I will probably pick up Mountain Biking next year to offset it. Do your thing. Kids are amazing. Having more wasnt for me, but at the same time, kids are literally the best thing ever. Be well.
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#54
09-12-2019, 10:34 AM
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To add to pdonk's astute comments: I was terrified of having kids. For many years, I led a very self-centered bachelor existence. My long-term partner (we had separated for many years) delivered an ultimatum: kids or the "highway." No amount of bartering would suffice. No extended trips. Not a dog or a cat or a frog. It was the best decision I ever made. Or had made for me. I'm totally in love with my twin girls. They teach me something new every day. And I'm certainly becoming less selfish (although perhaps not at the rate my partner would prefer...) That being said, the people who assure you that having kids is nothing but Sunshine and Lollipops are LYING. It's immensely difficult work. Emotionally and physically draining. There are numerous studies out there that show marital discord is at its highest within the first few years of having a kid. You don't know "until you know." My advice to the OP is to make sure that you have a deep level of friendship and respect for each other before taking the leap. Those qualities will get you through a lot of turbulent times...
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#55
09-12-2019, 10:47 AM
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My daughters are so worth it, but the bolded quote above is 100% true. Kids are so demanding in terms of time, emotional and financial resources that it's immensely difficult to not have your marriage/relationship become a "raising kids together partnership". No matter what you do, please make time for your SO and yourself to be a couple. It can be challenging to make the time, but one of the best gifts you can give your children is a model for healthy adult relationships.
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#56
09-12-2019, 11:12 AM
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Don't mean to throw a bucket of cold water on the joy of being a parent, but it is hard work. My wife and I had kids later (I was 38 with first)....my wife is 7 yrs younger that me, so maybe not so late for her. The boys are 18 and 15 now and pretty self sufficient, but the early years took a lot of energy. As it is, I will be retiring about the same time my youngest finishes college...I would be worried if he was just starting. good luck....
__________________
2003 CSi / Legend Ti / Seven 622 SLX
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#57
09-12-2019, 11:17 AM
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#58
09-12-2019, 12:12 PM
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I affectionately tell people that my older daughter left me woefully unprepared for my younger daughter. They are SO completely different. My older daughter is much like me -- introverted, basically compliant with authority, can spend days within herself reading and such, but is on the verbal rather than physical end. Younger one os almost a polar opposite (and much like me wife) -- the definition of extrovert. She gets her energy from people, we often say that people are her favorite toys. She gets easily bored and will flit from one thing to another, and never wants to do anything alone (except watch her shows). And tends WAY more towards the physical end than the verbal.
It get draining. But she also has a thirst for knowing things, and when I explain things like tides, plate tectonics, engineering concepts, she will listen. And later when the subject comes up again, she'll remember how we talked about it before.
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#59
09-12-2019, 01:20 PM
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love this thread
me 58
ex 58 wife 42 oldest girl 21 next girl 18 youngest 5 with 2nd wife blended family did NOT happen All these females/ girls/ women do not get along at all but I love them all dearly and always will Fatherhood is the most bittersweet experience I have ever had
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#60
09-13-2019, 01:56 AM
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My father-in-law (who I never met as he had already passed before I met my wife) was born in 1903 and was 17 years older than his wife (born 1920). He had three daughters, respectively born when he was age 49, 55 and 57. The first daughter unfortunately passed away shortly after birth. They were living a dignified middle-class life in San Francisco until suffering a business turn-around when he was in his late 60's. They weren't completely destroyed but it did mean that there was a rather drastic tightening of the belts in the home and they ultimately moved back to Italy as the cost of living was substantially cheaper. My father-in-law had always been a rather successful entrepreneurial type who had seen a few ups and a few downs but rather more ups than downs. The problem was that at such an advanced age, there was simply not the necessary time to ever make up for the financial hole created. My sister-in-law was able to leave the parental home before he passed, but at about the same time as he had started to suffer the first signs of dementia. My wife was not that lucky and ended up needing to care first for her father, then in 1988 once he had passed (at age 85) the real financial plight of the family, that had remained hidden by my father-in-law became known. So after years of looking after her father with dementia, she had to then start looking after her mother (then 68 years old) financially. Surprise, surprise, my mother-in-law is now a few months shy of 100 and still in reasonably good physical shape but with severe dementia. My wife continues to be her prime care-giver. I am writing all of this to point out that having a child late in life can often mean that you simply don't have the time necessary to make up for unexpected events that can easily be rebounded from at a younger age. So make sure that you have a much bigger rainy-day fund and understand your future financial requirements before undertaking parenthood. My wife just celebrated her 60th birthday and has spent well over 60% of her life looking after her elderly parents. That is not fair.
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