Caregiver Leave of Absence

[oldpotatoe]

I have nothing to add except very sorry to hear about your bride's disease(FUKC Cancer!) and the secondary issue with starting a family.
Not the greatest time(COVID) to have this HUGE burden placed upon you and your wife. BUT, family comes first and foremost and communication is KEY..
With the docs, with your company and with each other...

I too, see this forum as a big pile of friends and it says a lot for this forum to have you share your predicament with us..

Hang in there brother, "everything will be OK in the end, if it's not OK, it's not the end"...even tho we all aren't 'local', all you need to do is ask if any of us can help in any way.

[schwa86]

Sending PM re some thoughts on local resources.

[herb5998]

So sorry to hear of your news. I was the care giver for my wife for five years as she battled cancer. Having a good talk with your company on FMLA, but also what you can do, within your time available is key. I was able to have the time to take care of my wife when things were good (most of the 5 years), while still being able to contribute to my team and organization, which to be honest, was a great outlet for the stress involved.

[nobuseri]

Not an expert in this area, but I wanted to send my wishes and prayers your way.

As others shave said before, everything else is secondary.

[fmradio516]

Thanks for the wishes, everyone. I wish i could reply to each of you personally. Like Old potatoe said, this isnt just a forum, its a company of friends. Ive known this since I posted about my moms heart issues last year, which actually resulted in me getting a message from a forum member(slinky pal, you know who you are!) with a professional opinion and a doctors recommendation which changed my moms life and she WOULD NOT have had the same result somewhere else/without this recommendation. I have decided to go forward with taking the leave in multiple parts.

@NH_Aero yes still in Boston but moving to New Haven, CT in about a month after 13 years in Boston. Thats part of why I need to take the leave because we will be over 2 hours from the hospital each way without traffic... which will be manageable at first, but once radiation starts, we will need to be at MGH every day Monday thru Friday for 6.5 weeks!

An obvious solution is to stay at an extended stay hotel for the radiation part, but we are so dead broke after this house and the $xxx,000 in renovations we decided to do(and theyre almost done, so no stopping them.) Also, since she has had and will be going through Chemo, her immune system is completely shot and we cannot take ANY risk of getting COVID, so staying in a hotel, doesnt seem like a good idea..

Originally Posted by harlond

But while it was brutal, I didn't really need anyone to attend to my needs on a constant basis.

Yep my wife had this same feeling as well, but these first few weeks have been super tough, taking her to the hospital for all these tests almost every day, multiple doctors calling throughout the day to go over test results and the treatment. The hardest part being just processing the results and all the bad news. Its been 3 weeks and the news just keeps getting worse, the latest being that she has a hypothyroid and it might need to be removed after treatment(another side effect of her first treatment)

Side rant: Whats amazing is that none of her doctors told her that her reproductive parts will be destroyed by her first treatment. Her and her parents(her mom has the best memory of anyone i know) say that this wasnt discussed ever. Had they frozen her eggs before that first treatment, this would be a different story.

So there is a lot to discuss and feel at the moment. Id probably take an initial 3 weeks off, treatment had been postponed to this week from last week, then once the dust settles, I can probably work again.

Another reason why id need to take time off is because, of course, after 13 years in Boston, in one month, we will be moving to Connecticut(see above). So the 5-6 weeks of radiation will also involve at least 4-6 hours of driving every day.

[verticaldoug]

Best of wishes to you and your wife.

If you were working for me, I'd want you to take the leave. I am sure your co-workers want you to take the leave.

In the long term, your mental health and well being makes you a better more productive employee. If your boss and HR doesn't get this, they have lost the plot.

[joosttx]

I am sorry you and your wife are going through this. I don’t have any practical answers other than without a question you qualify for the leave. I had an employee go through a similar thing with his wife. I really needed him but nothing is more important than what he was going through. An issue that we faced was that he could not work during the time of leave. For some work is a distraction from tough reality. He wanted to work a couple days a week and I could not let him. That’s a watch out. He returned to work after a couple of months, his wife recovered , and he didn’t miss a beat jumping back in. I hope the same for you.

[djg21]

Originally Posted by gbcoupe

That sucks all the way around. Help comfort your wife. Worry about the rest later.

FMLA should cover you. Sick time, vacation, PTO, then long term disability. Talk with your HR dept if you haven't already. It'll be a bunch of paper work and you'll need her doctors cooperation. Follow all company and FMLA orders to a T. You'll be covered.

Best wishes.

Yes. Assuming that your employer is covered, the FMLA should cover you. There is a good deal of information at https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla.

[Dino Suegiù]

Originally Posted by fmradio516

I have decided to go forward with taking the leave in multiple parts.

@NH_Aero yes still in Boston but moving to New Haven, CT in about a month after 13 years in Boston. Thats part of why I need to take the leave because we will be over 2 hours from the hospital each way without traffic... which will be manageable at first, but once radiation starts, we will need to be at MGH every day Monday thru Friday for 6.5 weeks!

So there is a lot to discuss and feel at the moment. Id probably take an initial 3 weeks off, treatment had been postponed to this week from last week, then once the dust settles, I can probably work again.

Another reason why id need to take time off is because, of course, after 13 years in Boston, in one month, we will be moving to Connecticut (see above). So the 5-6 weeks of radiation will also involve at least 4-6 hours of driving every day.

@fmradio516:

One thing you might look into is if the hospital your wife will be receiving treatment in has a relationship with a more socially oriented care facility such as the UK's Maggie's Centres.

The idea is wonderful imo: these are essentially small, intimate, relaxing social care and interaction "day houses" on or near the grounds of hospital cancer facilities, which allow patients to congregate in small groups, socialize, discuss, even eat meals, and generally "de-compress" before or after treatments. They have proven to be very helpful, to a great many people, over the years.

Given especially the long distance driving you mentioned above, something like this, if available, could be a very welcome thing for your wife and yourself. These are not at all overnight facilities, but they definitely do work as very significant aids and resources for the patients.

Perhaps some equivalent exists within the sphere of the hospital you will be visiting? Ask them; I certainly hope they know of one. And again: best wishes to you and yours.

[Black Dog]

Terribly sorry for what's happening. Not much to add except to say that my wife just went through treatment for breast cancer (surgeries and radiation) during the peak of our covid outbreak her in Canada. One thing that you may want to know is what the hospitals policy is on visitors. My wife received amazing treatment but I was not allowed in the hospital during her radiation treatments. She was well taken care of and supported emotionally by the staff more so due to the circumstances. You may want to inquire about your hospitals particular protocols in advance so you can prepare. Best wishes to you and please do not ignore your own well being and emotion state during this. Being an effective caregiver to your wife will be tough and you need to take care of yourself in order to be 100% for her when she needs you. Need anything, just ask and I will do what ever I can, we all will here.

[parris]

I remembered something after my initial post that's also an important part of what you're going through. Don't forget self care for you.

It's natural to completely focus on the people we're taking care of and not be aware of our health taking a hit over time. Some of the inservice training I get every few cycles focuses on this. In simple language, we can't take care of those around us if we go down.

[fmradio516]

I cant thank you guys enough for the words. I really love this place..

Originally Posted by Black Dog

Terribly sorry for what's happening. Not much to add except to say that my wife just went through treatment for breast cancer (surgeries and radiation) during the peak of our covid outbreak her in Canada. One thing that you may want to know is what the hospitals policy is on visitors. My wife received amazing treatment but I was not allowed in the hospital during her radiation treatments. She was well taken care of and supported emotionally by the staff more so due to the circumstances. You may want to inquire about your hospitals particular protocols in advance so you can prepare. Best wishes to you and please do not ignore your own well being and emotion state during this. Being an effective caregiver to your wife will be tough and you need to take care of yourself in order to be 100% for her when she needs you. Need anything, just ask and I will do what ever I can, we all will here.

Thank you for that. And yes, I havent been able to go into one appointment with her at all because of the C word. The only time they let us both in the hospital at the same time was when I was supposed to wait in the car curbside, and they were going to wheel her out from the colonoscopy.. When they saw what they saw, that changed and they called me in so we could get the news from the doctor. I knew something was wrong when the nurse called and said to start driving over soon and wait curbside, then when the time actually came, they said i need to park and come in. I feel terrible that she is going to be alone for all this. Its really tough on the both of us..

[harlond]

Check the wording of the policy prohibiting family members from accompanying patients into visits. There's usually an exception for patients who need assistance from the family member. If your wife says she needs assistance of a kind consistent with the policy, they should let you in. If your wife is insistent, odds are they'll let you in. You can't be her medical advocate if you're not there to advocate. Heck, chemo brain and depression by themselves should be sufficient reasons.