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#61
01-07-2019, 07:34 PM
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 Marriage isn’t one of those practices. Lots of gay people just spent a lot of energy to get it. Was that worth anything at all or just a waste of lots of time and money? Musta wanted it for some reason.... You won’t know who is thinking less than complimentary things about your status and biting their tongue in silence. But it can hurt you and you will never know it. Whether you like it or not or whether its fair or not. You will have to talk to a qualified domestic relations lawyer in your state to determine the benefits and detriments of not being married where you live now. And while you’re at it, think about where you might live in the future. It might be different there. What you think is all settled now might not be later when you live in another state with different laws. Your lack of status might become a big problem. Thanks for taking some blunt talk like a grown up. Go get married. 
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#62
01-07-2019, 07:44 PM
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#63
01-07-2019, 07:58 PM
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I think that you've been given any number of good reasons, along with the important caveat that many of the reasons vary according to state law -- an attorney in your state can run through the wrinkles with you. I think you almost certainly would want a trusts and estates lawyer for an over-arching consult, more than a family ("divorce") lawyer, although various areas of the law might be implicated.
WRT certain federal benefits -- such as social security -- you can probably get the highlights off the relevant web site (SSA in the case of social security). While it's true that one can work around some issues with well drafted legal documents, one does need to have these drafted, which may require at least as much work as a civil marriage. One might or might not have an easy work-around for probate issues, depending on one's state. One thing that's messy and not fun to think about is the fact that it's not always trivial to exercise one's legal rights in difficult circumstances. For example, your legal rights at the end of life -- as exercised either directly by you or on your behalf (say, by someone you've designated through, e.g., a health care power of attorney), might be honored more quickly or more slowly, and with more or less process, by any given physician and/or provider organization. It can be tough for a legally wedded spouse -- tougher still for a life partner, even with the right documents. Bottom line: I don't think you have to if you and your other person don't want to, and more states (and private institutions) are coming to terms with the fact that not all families are built around a married couple. On the other hand, there really are some legal issues, as well as social ones, that might militate in favor of marriage if you really are having a family together. Consult an attorney -- a live attorney who is a member of the bar in the state in which you plan to live -- if you want a rundown of the estate, insurance, and family law wrinkles (mostly state-specific) that might matter to you. Only you can decide how much importance to attach to them. BTW, married or not, you can name your kids any number of ways. My wife and I have been married since the last century (since 1994) -- all very traditional, with three kids and a house in the burbs, but my wife did not "take" my name; and the kids have both last names with a hyphen in the middle. And WRT ritual and fancy weddings, etc. . . . that, too, is really up to you, whether your are getting married or not. It's nice to celebrate with friends, IMO, but you don't have to, and you get to decide what counts as a celebration if you do. I attended a pretty fancy commitment ceremony a few years before the jurisdiction permitted two women to marry (which it did a few years before the Supreme Court said it had to). It sure looked like a wedding, from the religious figure at the front to the party with dancing afterwards. They had a nice caterer. Music. Etc. There are, on the other hand, legal weddings that are quick and simple.
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#65
01-07-2019, 08:11 PM
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I married late (38) and have two kids. There are two things I'm sure of; I wouldn't get married without having kids and I wouldn't have kids without being married. All the reasons are well stated above.
Answering a question you didn't ask, having kids was the best thing I ever did.
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#66
01-07-2019, 08:16 PM
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Kudos to the OP for posting this. Some serious stones ...
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There's nothing patronizing at all about Henry A's post. I'm glad there are such pious pillars of rectitude on this site. Apples and oranges about same-sex marriages. Some of my gay friends got married. Others opted not to. They fought for the RIGHT to marriage. Not the MANDATE. Big difference.
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#67
01-07-2019, 10:00 PM
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The same sex talking point carries weight to me because the fight was about more than visitation rights, estate planning, or last names of kids a regardless of what may have been said. I am not dismissing these point all togethe. And of course they fought for the right and not a mandate. Ultimately the fight was about moral value and validation, where ever you landed on the debate, and both sides knew it was much more than legal or ecomomic in the big pictures. I don’t know the OP and have no vested interest in whatever he choose to do. That said, my assumption(and that is all it is) is that he isn’t married because he doesn’t want to be. Sounds like his dad values marriage differently than he does, thus the rub.
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#68
01-07-2019, 10:03 PM
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#69
01-07-2019, 10:07 PM
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Just a thought...while it’s just the two of you, it’s pretty easy to come to an agreement on issues where you’re looking at things from each other’s perspective. Now you have to add a third party (your child) to the decision making process, which is easier said than done. Congrats and good health!
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#70
01-07-2019, 10:24 PM
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Talk to a good lawyer about the pros and cons. I have friends with kids that have been together for 30 years and never been married. I have friends with kids that are divorced and it can be very messy. Marriage doesn't assure you'll be together forever just as not getting married means you won't.
I applaud the OP for bringing this up and would urge you not to marry to please your parents or for societal norms. Do marry for legal, access in emergency reasons or financial reasons if you think it will help you as a couple. Either way get all your ducks in a row now that you are having a child. Congratulations !!
__________________
Life is short-enjoy every day.
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#71
01-08-2019, 04:43 AM
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__________________
chasing waddy
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#72
01-08-2019, 06:11 AM
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__________________
Chisholm's Custom Wheels Qui Si Parla Campagnolo
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#73
01-08-2019, 06:47 AM
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One of the reasons, some of my friends fought for same sex marriage was the hospital visitation rights, had some heartbreak due to not being delayed on a visit, would have been easily "solved" by marriage. I'm an advocate for marriage for that reason alone. All the best to you and yours
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#75
01-08-2019, 07:14 AM
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Marry for kids, but stay unmarried to avoid bankrupting each other during an illness. We've all heard the stories and probably know people who have lost everything to our awful heath system due to an unexpected event. Cancer can easily cost a million, and most insurance plans won't pay for a lot of that. If there is concern for financial matters and transfers after either one dies, visit a lawyer and help write each other's wills. Yeah, tough one to do, but, it's a tough world. Many get divorced in late age to protect assets from medical bills.
__________________
It's not a new bike, it's another bike.
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