OT: Reasons to get married?

[FlashUNC]

For any healthcare/estate stuff, getting stuff down on paper is a must.

Do it yesterday.

[echappist]

Originally Posted by parco

Never saw the word Love in your post. There is something about the commitment of marriage. For some people it feels constricting and for some it adds another level to the relationship.

that's assuming a bit, no?

the question was mostly on tangible benefits of the institution of marriage, nothing more, nothing less

[vqdriver]

there's lots of practical reasons that nobody on this board can correctly anticipate because everyone's lives takes such different directions. but there's a few instances mentioned above that come up fairly often. the most impactful of which tend to arise during a calamity or end of life. there are certain rights bestowed to spouses as a matter of default that, without legal paperwork, can be difficult or impossible to wrangle after the fact. this is especially so if your (or her) parents or other family lay claim to those rights.

family law, life insurance, health insurance, banking policy, etc.. has all been built around the binary idea of single or married. tough to bypass centuries of human behavior with a few trips to the lawyer.

not to discourage you, because no one knows you better than you. but i think the better question may be is if there's any practical reason NOT to get married. what's the practical benefit you're trying to hold on to?

having said that, the internet is full of stories of couples who were perfectly happy in your same situation, only for the relationship to fall apart after getting married. something about that 'symbolic' gesture creates a burden neither can bear.

[HenryA]

Consult a knowledgable local attorney about the ramifications of unmarried parenthood in your state. It might affect your ability to visit your children in the event of a break-up down the road. Each state’s laws may be different in this regard. Imagine not being able to pick your kid up from school unless the mother approves. Or being cut out of decision making capacity about your child’s life. These things happen, and sometimes whether you were married or not.

You’ve already gotten some good advice regarding insurance, inheritance, and spousal rights that may not be available to unmarried couples. Don’t ignore that. It probably seems like a far away thing but it’ll be in your lap sooner or later.

As to your father’s question about what makes you so special...
Indeed what is it that makes you so special that you think you can ignore the public recognition of the status of your relationship? There are multiple lifetimes of law and custom that are built around the official status of marriage.

Do you really want to plow new ground for you, your partner and your kids? Figure it out as you go? Always wondering when your status as “partners” will be a signal triggering doubt in other’s minds? You’re making it harder down the road than it has to be. It’ll be difficult enough even if you follow the old rules.

Go have a small wedding with your parents, siblings and any other close family. Since you are fully grown, pay for it yourself. Thank your parents.

Coupla last things - how do you like the sound of “baby daddy”?

And congratulations on the baby.

[hokoman]

Originally Posted by R3awak3n

I bet some of these are bypassed if you are domestic partners. Same with health insurance (if you or your wife get it through an emplopyer, if you are married or domestic partners the other can get in on it).

Not all companies offer 'domestic partner' benefits.

Originally Posted by Ozz

A little thing, but.....what is the kid(s) last name going to be?

Turns out, this can be a minor problem in school if it does not match yours...you be come identified to other parents as "Tommy's dad" or "Tommy's mom", but then people get confused when your name does not match theirs.....also, filling out forms for schools, doctors, dentists, orthodontists....they get confused as well.

Things are just slightly more complicated, and you end up having to explain the situation over and over again....

Might be a big deal....maybe not. But it eventually gets old.

My wife and I have different last names...we have to explain that we are married!

My wife and I have different last names - kids have mine, and I think it is very common these days. We've never had to explain it to anyone

[XXtwindad]

Originally Posted by echappist

that's assuming a bit, no?

the question was mostly on tangible benefits of the institution of marriage, nothing more, nothing less

Agreed 100%. Also the concept of equating "love" ( an ephemeral concept that waxes and wanes and evolves over time) with marriage is a relatively recent phenomenon.

[Ozz]

Originally Posted by hokoman

...My wife and I have different last names - kids have mine, and I think it is very common these days. We've never had to explain it to anyone

it might not be problem for everyone or everywhere....

[ScottW]

The main specific reason to get married, to me anyway, is if you're planning to have kids. Taxes, health insurance, medical directives & living wills are also relevant, but kids are the main reason to my mind. Since you are becoming parents, now is the time IMHO. Stop resisting and celebrate! Your life is about to get rocked, might as well roll with it!

I'm not religious at all. Wife is a long-recovering Catholic. Neither of us paid much heed to whatever conventions might have been preferred by our parents or grandparents (who were all totally onboard anyway). No big fancy expensive church wedding for us, just a small ceremony on the beach with immediate family and select close friends. Intentionally not on the mainland (married in USVI) to keep the crowd down to the small & committed few. Got a nice vacation & honeymoon without going broke. Something to consider before she gets "too pregnant to travel" LOL.

Or you could do what our friends did after being together for 10+ years and finally deciding to have kids. They didn't want a big/dramatic/expensive wedding so they eloped, got married in Mexico and told everyone when they got back home. City hall can do the same for you, but without the vacation. I'd at least shoot for a vacation.

[tctyres]

A combination of these two was the first thing in my mind: Travelling with kids across international borders becomes problematic without a recognized union.

I think a lot of good things have been said.

Congrats on the little one! I hope the pregnancy goes smoothly.

Originally Posted by Ozz

A little thing, but.....what is the kid(s) last name going to be?

Turns out, this can be a minor problem in school if it does not match yours...you be come identified to other parents as "Tommy's dad" or "Tommy's mom", but then people get confused when your name does not match theirs.....also, filling out forms for schools, doctors, dentists, orthodontists....they get confused as well.

Originally Posted by eak12

I have two friends who are a couple. ... They said in planning their trip, they applied for various visas and some countries wouldn't grant them to singles of the opposite sex traveling together. They got married. Problem solved

[joosttx]

Simply my personal feeling: Marriage is an announcement to the world that two people love each other so much that they commit to sharing their lives together til death.

There are a lot of crappy things in the world. There are a lot of bull$hit reasons to celebrate. I frankly see celebrating two people love for one another as an incredibly beautiful thing to celebrate.

[Pegoready]

Originally Posted by HenryA

As to your father’s question about what makes you so special...
Indeed what is it that makes you so special that you think you can ignore the public recognition of the status of your relationship? There are multiple lifetimes of law and custom that are built around the official status of marriage.

...

Always wondering when your status as “partners” will be a signal triggering doubt in other’s minds?

...

how do you like the sound of “baby daddy”?

Points taken. I'd venture to say you and my parents would get along.

I would retort with:

- There are lots of practices that seemed normal and have been ingrained in human civilization and law for hundreds or thousands of years, many terrible or simply useless. It just takes a generation or two to question a practice.

- If people I meet are judgemental and doubtful of partner / "baby daddy" status it seems like a nice, quick way to filter these people from our lives. On the other hand, if it affects our legal access to the best things for our child, I would be all ears.

[notsew]

Originally Posted by joosttx

Simply my personal feeling: Marriage is an announcement to the world that two people love each other so much that they commit to sharing their lives together til death.

There are a lot of crappy things in the world. There are a lot of bull$hit reasons to celebrate. I frankly see celebrating two people love for one another as an incredibly beautiful thing to celebrate.

Well said.

On the more practical side, seems to me that you have already made the big commitments financially (mortgage) and socially (kid). The marriage is just another contract. Life would probably be simpler with the piece of paper. Doesn't have to change anything.

[buddybikes]

Sorry to be blunt but are you two looking for easier way out if things break down in a few years?


(coming from an old fart who has been happily married for 34 years)

[eddief]

I gots no parents no more, but if they were still with us, I """might""" be concerned about creating waves in the family. Does ya love the folks? Does ya want the folks to be grandparents involved with your family? What's the downside of making it legal? What gets smoother / rougher by making it legal? What about the kid? What would your child want?

[XXtwindad]

Originally Posted by joosttx

Simply my personal feeling: Marriage is an announcement to the world that two people love each other so much that they commit to sharing their lives together til death.

There are a lot of crappy things in the world. There are a lot of bull$hit reasons to celebrate. I frankly see celebrating two people love for one another as an incredibly beautiful thing to celebrate.

Don't know what that actual stats are, but lots of those "announcements to the world" end up in very private (and heated) conversations with attorneys. I've seen many myself.

The OP and his partner should get all their legal and financial
matters in order and go with their wishes on the matter.