OT: Reasons to get married?

[Pegoready]

Hello PL!

Looking for advice or collective wisdom.

My partner/girlfriend and I are in our mid 30's. We have been together for almost 15 years. We have lived together for over 10 years. We are both solidly employed, make about the same amount of money, have about the same amount of savings, share household expenses 50/50 including a mortgage. We are really happy together, make a good team, and know we are life partners.

We made the decision this year to have a child and she is in the early stages of pregnancy. We are thrilled and excited. Her parents took the news well. My parents didn't. They think it's a travesty that we are not married and that I would do something so "selfish" as to have a child out of wedlock. They want us to save face and get married before the child is born. I was taken aback and we haven't talked much since I shared the news a few weeks ago. I think my dad's last words to me were "What makes you think you're so special?"

My partner and I talked a lot about getting married over the years and both simply never felt a strong reason to do so. We don't think it would change anything about our situation and we don't think our child will care if we are married on paper as long as it has a mom, a dad, and a loving home. We like being independent entities with respect to bank accounts, taxes, things like that. We hate attention, so a big wedding party isn't a reason to do it for us either.

My question to the PL is: is there a reason to get married anymore, especially if you're having a child?

I'm looking for practical reasons, i.e. certain life events, finances, bureaucratic things will be easier if married. Following societal norms, religious, "because everyone does it" are not valid reasons to us.

Thanks so much!

[Tickdoc]

Maybe you'll save on taxes? Other than that, it sounds like you guys are fine.

[Luwabra]

This day and age I think that’s perfectly acceptable. I’ve been married for 10 years w 3 kids. Commitment,respect, and love will not care if there’s a legal document to “validate” it. Kids are amazing so congratulations! you’ll not gain anything financially if your filing individually anyway.

A slew of sarcastic remarks filled my head initially Lolol but I refrained

[duff_duffy]

1. Good excuse to go on a honeymoon
2. Put a Moots on your wedding registry

That’s all I got....

[hokoman]

Insurance coverage is the one to think about. A lot of companies offer it to domestic partners, but others do not - in the case that one of you decides to quit or gets terminated by a job, paying out of pocket is super expensive.

You can always file your taxes as individuals, and aside from that... it's not a big deal in my opinion.

[Pegoready]

Originally Posted by hokoman

Insurance coverage is the one to think about. A lot of companies offer it to domestic partners, but others do not - in the case that one of you decides to quit or gets terminated by a job, paying out of pocket is super expensive.

Good point. She works for a school district and gets much better health insurance than I do and we've talked about this being a mildly appealing reason to get married.

[XXtwindad]

Originally Posted by Pegoready

Hello PL!

Looking for advice or collective wisdom.

My partner/girlfriend and I are in our mid 30's. We have been together for almost 15 years. We have lived together for over 10 years. We are both solidly employed, make about the same amount of money, have about the same amount of savings, share household expenses 50/50 including a mortgage. We are really happy together, make a good team, and know we are life partners.

We made the decision this year to have a child and she is in the early stages of pregnancy. We are thrilled and excited. Her parents took the news well. My parents didn't. They think it's a travesty that we are not married and that I would do something so "selfish" as to have a child out of wedlock. They want us to save face and get married before the child is born. I was taken aback and we haven't talked much since I shared the news a few weeks ago.

My partner and I talked a lot about getting married over the years and both simply never felt a strong reason to do so. We don't think it would change anything about our situation and we don't think our child will care if we are married on paper as long as it has a mom, a dad, and a loving home. We like being independent entities with respect to bank accounts, taxes, things like that. We hate attention, so a big wedding party isn't a reason to do it for us either.

My question to the PL is: is there a reason to get married anymore, especially if you're having a child?

I'm looking for practical reasons, i.e. certain life events, finances, bureaucratic things will be easier if married.

Thanks so much!

Great thread! Get ready for a potential tsunami. Advice from someone who always liked to be a little outside the mainstream (regardless of the "cool" factor): my Partner and I have been together for almost two decades. We have a great friendship. And twin girls. I never saw a reason for marriage on the emotional level, and we considered the financial ramifications before opting not to. I've never regretted it. Never had second thoughts.

I can, however, see the importance from a civil rights perspective.
Several months ago, as an example, we hosted a dinner party at our house. There were ten couples. We were the only ones who identified as "heterosexual" and the only ones who weren't married.

Progress? I think so.

[soulspinner]

Originally Posted by duff_duffy

1. Good excuse to go on a honeymoon
2. Put a Moots on your wedding registry

That’s all I got....

number 2 is genius

[Ralph]

There are several Social Security benefits available to families. And to dependent children. And of course....if one of the parents dies, the survivor gets to keep the largest check. I'm not an expert here, so check it out.

I'm not religious, so don't care about that aspect. But the social contract that's part of a civil marriage contract does have some protections for surviving spouses and children. And spousal beneficiaries of retirement plans get them tax deferred. Regular beneficiaries pay taxes. There are probable some other tax advantages as well.

Edit addition....like below says.....there are probably some health care benefits. If wife decides to not work for a while.....your health care benefits can probably be extended over to a wife. if I were you....I would just get married. Most of us old folks went thru the same process, and just got married. Living together didn't just get invented. (LOL)

[seanile]

next of kin is the big one.
health insurance as mentioned, and if you have each other down as the other's health care proxy, then that helps solve a lot of potential issues if one of you is incapacitated.
i recommend signing a prenup if anything financially substantial is still not wholly shared.

[Villgaxx]

find out all of the ways your situation could become a disaster.

once you have kids together, you should be married, not for some dumb social reasons but for many important legal ones.

if you choose to remain unmarried, you should consider getting an ironclad custody agreement, detailing every level of physical custody in every conceivable scenario, before the child is born. of course, there really are no ironclad custody agreements between never-married parents, so...

that's just the first thing that comes to mind. insurance is another, depending on your state. also, ironclad powers of attorney should be created asap. ironclad is the word that should have you giggling as well as sweating right now because it's simply not possible whereas a legal marriage at least provides a definable framework you or your attorneys can attempt to exploit in your best interests should the need arise.

good luck.

Originally Posted by hokoman

Insurance coverage is the one to think about. A lot of companies offer it to domestic partners, but others do not - in the case that one of you decides to quit or gets terminated by a job, paying out of pocket is super expensive.

You can always file your taxes as individuals, and aside from that... it's not a big deal in my opinion.

[echappist]

Originally Posted by Pegoready

Hello PL!

Looking for advice or collective wisdom.

My partner/girlfriend and I are in our mid 30's. We have been together for almost 15 years. We have lived together for over 10 years. We are both solidly employed, make about the same amount of money, have about the same amount of savings, share household expenses 50/50 including a mortgage. We are really happy together, make a good team, and know we are life partners.

We made the decision this year to have a child and she is in the early stages of pregnancy. We are thrilled and excited. Her parents took the news well. My parents didn't. They think it's a travesty that we are not married and that I would do something so "selfish" as to have a child out of wedlock. They want us to save face and get married before the child is born. I was taken aback and we haven't talked much since I shared the news a few weeks ago.

My partner and I talked a lot about getting married over the years and both simply never felt a strong reason to do so. We don't think it would change anything about our situation and we don't think our child will care if we are married on paper as long as it has a mom, a dad, and a loving home. We like being independent entities with respect to bank accounts, taxes, things like that. We hate attention, so a big wedding party isn't a reason to do it for us either.

My question to the PL is: is there a reason to get married anymore, especially if you're having a child?

I'm looking for practical reasons, i.e. certain life events, finances, bureaucratic things will be easier if married.

Thanks so much!

purely practical issues i can think of

not to be morbid, but intestacy if either of you should pass without a will

hospital visitation rights are also not automatically granted to partners, but are to legally wedded spouses

along those lines, who gets to dictate medical directives, when there isn't one established

married spouses cannot be compelled to testify against each other

[Jaybee]

I was in your position 7 years ago and we chose to get married. This was primarily so we could put her (in the midst of her post-doc) on my employer provided health insurance. This is about the only real logistic benefit I can see. Absent the desire to have my pregnant partner under affordable medical care, we probably would have just continued our relationship as is.

[Pegoready]

Originally Posted by echappist

purely practical issues i can think of

not to be morbid, but intestacy if either of you should pass without a will

hospital visitation rights are also not automatically granted to partners, but are to legally wedded spouses

along those lines, who gets to dictate medical directives, when there isn't one established

married spouses cannot be compelled to testify against each other

These are great reasons. Thanks.

[gemship]

Originally Posted by Ralph

There are several Social Security benefits available to families. And to dependent children. And of course....if one of the parents dies, the survivor gets to keep the largest check. I'm not an expert here, so check it out.

I'm not religious, so don't care about that aspect. But the social contract that's part of a civil marriage contract does have some protections for surviving spouses and children. And spousal beneficiaries of retirement plans get them tax deferred. Regular beneficiaries pay taxes. There are probable some other tax advantages as well.

Edit addition....like below says.....there are probably some health care benefits. If wife decides to not work for a while.....your health care benefits can probably be extended over to a wife. if I were you....I would just get married. Most of us old folks went thru the same process, and just got married. Living together didn't just get invented. (LOL)

I've been totally single but I get a kick out of our OT discussions because talk about bikes can get boring. Also I am riddled with common sense and probably why I am still single, lol. Having said that Ralph makes a lot of sense and I would also just add that if your not into big weddings you could always do it on the DL at city hall. That'll be enough to put Mom in her place.