OT - Elder care suggestions/help in Tucson area

ColnagoFan · #1 10-14-2016, 11:31 PM

Hello everyone. Sorry to go "so" off topic, but I've had luck and seen stuff not dissimilar to this on here before, and hey you never know.

To make a long story short, a few months back I had a pretty major iceberg drift into the course of my life. My mother, who had been on a slowish, but steady, decline the last few years, really went over a cliff. We lost her mother, my grandmother, to complications with Alzheimer's in January. And my mother has really gotten worse in what we suspect is early onset of similar symptoms.

She lives in Tucson, so I have spent just about every weekend for the last few months making the ~6 hour drive there and then back. Just cleaning up, going shopping, being there, doing stupid "son" stuff like that. For the most part, she's ok, but I don't really trust my stepfather to help as much when she needs it, I've been doing that drive and checking in.

I am looking for someone who could "pop in during the week a couple of times, maybe do a shopping run to the grocery store, simple things. Not someone to take care of them, or do any "nurse" stuff, just helpful stuff since I can't be there during the week.
I've reached out through that "Nextdoor" site too, as I have noticed a few people in my current neighborhood who have used it for something similar.

On a much more personal note, this whole episode has really helped me figure out what is really important in life. Family is family, and everything else is just stuff. It took me a little while to realize that includes bikes too. And I have a nice one, so the little projects, the planning for the next one, well that can wait. I'd rather liquidate the "extra" stuff to remove some of the burden of gas, help, and the little minutia that always comes up.

I'd like to give a special, amazing thank you to forum member weisan, who despite being a total stranger, has opened his heart and been a huge source of support and advice over the last few months, including the realization that I needed to simplify and focus on what's important, let go of the other stuff. And to reengage here, and in other parts of my life. Bikes are such amazing things, a ride can clear your busy mind, and hell just talking about them is fun. So here we are.

What an amazing place this is.

old fat man · #2 10-15-2016, 08:20 PM

Jim, I wish you the best in this challenging experience. I can't offer any Phoenix area assistance, but I can reinforce that what you are doing is a great decision. Both of my grandmothers were in Florida and my parents were far away, unable to provide weekly support for them as they declined with old age.

My parents were fortunate to find a private woman who started with the basics as you've described and continues now with my 96 year old grandmother who has mild dementia. Continuity and familiarity is key when immediate family cannot be there.

BobO · #3 10-15-2016, 08:31 PM

https://www.homeinstead.com/115/

A friend of mine used this service for his wife. He was complimentary, that was several years ago and I cannot personally vouch for them today. There are a number of these services in town here.

dustyrider · #4 10-15-2016, 10:07 PM

Hang in there!
You're not alone. I'm trying to be proactive right now and transition my 64 year old mom from Massachusetts to Colorado. I found a local info. center to help with my particular questions from the aging and disability service. Here's the Arizona link. It looks like there might be some info. for your questions. If not, hopefully some kind of contact info. for elder care services.

My grandparents used to do exactly what you're looking for as a part time job/volunteer. I want to say it was a state job, but I don't know. Ralph drove them to appointments and Pauline did the odds and ends. I would think Tucson would have a lot of private options as well. Considering the demographic, there ought to be plenty of business opportunity.

You're not going to be good for anyone, unless you're good to yourself, and you have to be selfish in order to be selfless. Cliche-esque or cliche, they're true.

Glad you've found time for the forum again. The Sakura is still being loved and complimented! Here's one from way back in June.

sjbraun · #5 10-16-2016, 08:17 AM

We're in a similar state with my wife's parents, only its her father who has dementia. Her folks have received some help from Jewish Family and Children Services in Tucson. They did an intake assessment to see what services my in-laws needed, then referred them to providers who could help meet their needs. They use a service called By Your Side to help with driving and running errands.

Its a tough situation, one I never considered would be a part of my older years, taking care of parents.

Steve

TBLS · #6 10-16-2016, 08:47 AM

Been thru this with my dad, going thru journey with my 92 year old mom.

There are plenty of resources out there. If you work, your company may have assistance resources. I used A Place For Mom to find assisted living and they were helpful.

I would recommend speaking to a local hospital and see if they can do an assessment so you have a full view of her mental and physical state. This helped me tremendously to make sure I was not over/under reacting.

Don't overlook organizing their finances, reviewing beneficiaries, ensure all poa's (medical advocate, financial) in place if needed.

You are not alone...having lunch with customers last week and all four of us dealing with similar issues.

Ken Robb · #7 10-16-2016, 09:35 AM

I think you might get some help/advice/direction from a church in the area and you don't have to be members of the congregation in many cases.

OTOH if/when it's time for Mom to move to a retirement home give preference to a place that offers a continuum of care. These are places where people move in in relatively good shape for "Independent Living" but can progress to "Assisted Living" to full-time care without moving to a whole new environment.

jds108 · #8 10-16-2016, 12:13 PM

My father had a stroke about 6 months ago and my mother wants to keep him at home.

I don't have much advice for you other than to say that if/when you do find a good person to do the home health care, treat them like the precious resource that they are. Both my mother and I have been disappointed on multiple occasions with my father's care. Workers in this field aren't paid much and thus don't have strong educational backgrounds, and even showing up has been an issue more than once.

I could go further with the bad news, but suffice to say that good help is hard to find.

ColnagoFan · #9 10-16-2016, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dustyrider

Hang in there!
You're not alone. I'm trying to be proactive right now and transition my 64 year old mom from Massachusetts to Colorado. I found a local info. center to help with my particular questions from the aging and disability service. Here's the Arizona link. It looks like there might be some info. for your questions. If not, hopefully some kind of contact info. for elder care services.

My grandparents used to do exactly what you're looking for as a part time job/volunteer. I want to say it was a state job, but I don't know. Ralph drove them to appointments and Pauline did the odds and ends. I would think Tucson would have a lot of private options as well. Considering the demographic, there ought to be plenty of business opportunity.

You're not going to be good for anyone, unless you're good to yourself, and you have to be selfish in order to be selfless. Cliche-esque or cliche, they're true.

Glad you've found time for the forum again. The Sakura is still being loved and complimented! Here's one from way back in June.

Haha oh wow that picture just made my day! Wow, thank you!

And yes, one of the important things is taking more time for me to get my personal needs taken care of, and what's more personal than bikes?

ColnagoFan · #10 10-16-2016, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jds108

My father had a stroke about 6 months ago and my mother wants to keep him at home.

I don't have much advice for you other than to say that if/when you do find a good person to do the home health care, treat them like the precious resource that they are. Both my mother and I have been disappointed on multiple occasions with my father's care. Workers in this field aren't paid much and thus don't have strong educational backgrounds, and even showing up has been an issue more than once.

I could go further with the bad news, but suffice to say that good help is hard to find.

Thank you for this. We went through something similar with my grandmother over the last few years. First moving her out of her HUGE 8 bedroom place where she lived alone, to a facility that would help. That didn't help her mental state, being "kicked out" of the house she lived in for 50+ years. We finally ended up moving her to one of her daughter's house, where she lived out the rest of her life. It was "her home," but it was with family. They did have a great person who visited, and helped out, and yes I know how hard this can be in this day and age. This is why I'm putting feelers out now, better to be prepared when and if the day comes rather than be blindsided and have to start from scratch.

But I appreciate all the notes, well-wishes, PMs, etc on this. Thank you, once again a real community of amazing people on this site. We are bound together by a single major thing in our lives, but we can also see beyond that.

Thank you!

carpediemracing · #11 10-16-2016, 09:14 PM

Caring for my dad now, realistically I won't be needed for too much longer. No help for your Tucson question. However you might be able to inquire about hospice care and if a hospice provider can recommend companies that can send someone to help out your mom. I met with hospice folks just yesterday and they had a wealth of information and resources. It's a private facility, not sure if that's the norm, but they are a bedrock in this area and everyone speaks highly of them.

In the meantime I'd be looking at living will / medical directives and such. What does your mom want if, say, she can't swallow anymore? At what point does she want people to let her be? Get this stuff in order now because later it could become an absolute nightmare. My dad's stuff we thought was pretty specific but my brother and I were talking about how we'd make our own living wills a bit more specific. We're at a very "gray area" point of caring for my dad.

Not sure if power of attorney stuff has been considered but that's another thing that can really make things easy or difficult. Obviously there has to be 100% trust involved because the POA can end up with quite a bit of authority/power. In our case my dad gave each of us four siblings equal/independent 100% POA, which apparently is a bit unusual. It means any of us could, say, empty his accounts. Any of us also can sign medical documents, legal forms, etc. This way we have been empowered to care for him without needing to reach out to the others to do simple things like accept or decline an injection, etc. We're scattered a bit, in CT, ME, and CA, and having full POA makes things much easier when handling legal matters.

I hope this helps. All the best in caring for your mom.

robin3mj · #12 10-16-2016, 09:27 PM

I'm not an expert on the home healthcare (or home errand help) business, but I do work in the senior housing industry. If it comes time to choose some place to live for your mother, feel free to drop me a line. I'm happy to provide impartial info that may help you make a choice. (I don't work for a specific operator but rather a REIT, so I have no real incentive to push one location over another...)