Originally Posted by Ti Designs
If you say that you've considered suicide a truck full of guys in white suits will show up at your house. That's pretty much what it comes down to, and why the act is always such a shock to most. The lack of understanding of that decision making process (which clearly shows in building nets under bridges) is a large part of the problem.
The guys in the white coats don't know where I live, so...
I don't think a day has gone by since I was in grade school that I haven't thought about when my life should end. It's not an irrational decision, it's just the opposite. There is a problem that I've spent my life looking for solutions or work-arounds, it's been endless frustration and I know it doesn't go away as long as I'm alive. That's one side of the equation. On the other side there is the future, which I can't predict. Without both sides I can't make that decision, so life goes on...
The more important question is about how that thought process started. I have a learning disability, I can't memorize anything. Our education system is all about memorization, so I struggled in school in everything except math. Math has always come easily to me, but even that had it's down sides. My teachers and parents couldn't understand who a child could be so good in math and so bad in other subjects. They decided I wasn't trying hard enough... Things went from bad to worse when school became 8 classes in different rooms. I can't navigate, that sequence of rights and lefts doesn't work for me, so getting to the next class wasn't something I could do. School became 8 hour long panic attacks. At one point one of my teachers noticed I was bleeding from my fingernails (from squeezing the desk in fear) so they sent me to the nurse. I tried to explain to the nurse that I'll never be able to find my next class. Her response was "you'll learn", just like everybody else. It was at that point when I realized that I would rather be anyone else, even the kid I hated the most, than be myself. That self hate grew as I became more aware of what other kids could do that I couldn't.
I may be unusual, but I'm not a unique case - far from it. There are all sorts of unsolvable problems that people have. I think the bigger problem is how society deals with them, or in many cases refuses to deal with them. At this point most of my frustration isn't with my problem, it's with the lack of understanding of the problem. I am expected to run the register at my shop, it's sequence based, I can't do it. I've told them this a dozen times. Their response is the same response I've gotten my whole life, either "you're not trying" or "you'll learn". This never ends. I was talking to a friend with RA, and his frustration is exactly the same thing - people can't see an obvious problem, they assume there isn't one.
If you're looking for signs in a person, don't look for single events. I went from bike racer to cripple in a second, my divorce left me with a house but not enough money to heat it or buy food - both of those may have cause depression, but that's about it. If my theory about suicide it correct, if it's a long term rational decision about a problem that can't be solved, you're looking for long term frustration to the point of destructive behavior.
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