PanTerra
05-19-2005, 02:08 PM
Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret
trainers around. They'll say anything to soften you
up for the kill. Don't let this happen to you. Study
this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they
really mean when they say:
"I'm out of shape"
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't
missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace
my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts.
My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage
rate.
"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in
shape"
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the
gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line
sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic.
I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your
seat post and spray energy drink in your eyes.
"I'm on my beater bike"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany
using Titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a
wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a
fart and costs more than a divorce.
"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a
presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep
sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a
39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.
"You're doing great, honey"
Translation: Yo, lard @$$, I'd like to get home
before midnight. This is what you get for spending
the winter decorating and eating chocolate. I shoulda
married that cute Cat 1 racer when I had the chance.
"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing
for the search-and-rescue dogs.
"It's not that far"
Translation: Bring your passport.
trainers around. They'll say anything to soften you
up for the kill. Don't let this happen to you. Study
this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they
really mean when they say:
"I'm out of shape"
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't
missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace
my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts.
My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage
rate.
"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in
shape"
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the
gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line
sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic.
I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your
seat post and spray energy drink in your eyes.
"I'm on my beater bike"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany
using Titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a
wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a
fart and costs more than a divorce.
"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a
presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep
sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a
39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.
"You're doing great, honey"
Translation: Yo, lard @$$, I'd like to get home
before midnight. This is what you get for spending
the winter decorating and eating chocolate. I shoulda
married that cute Cat 1 racer when I had the chance.
"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing
for the search-and-rescue dogs.
"It's not that far"
Translation: Bring your passport.