OT: I just wanted to apologize and give thanks.

[gemship]

Hello,

if I ever slighted, belittled or otherwise offended any posters here in the past I would like you all to know I am sorry. This forum has been a pleasure to visit for me and so much bigger than just bikes yet it is the love of the bike that brings me here.

I also would like to add that I'm 36 and unemployed, single with no children and I feel like a big kid. I am also a alcoholic and I have a hard time staying away from drinking. I don't have a lot of education. I know that I posses a great deal of common sense but in many ways I am very pig headed and lacking in proper social skills and insight in regard to living a well balanced life with happiness. I pity myself way too often and take on a sense of entitlement at times. I have a lot of anger and resentment toward my family who all live close by. I need to grow up. At the least I would like to be a happy person, someday I would like to be a good family man with a job the brings me happiness. I think the calling to the career comes first. I believe I am quite capable and have been nice to those that are nice to me but when I am slighted and made to feel bad rather than killing them with kindness or taking it from the source and walking away I just take it to the point where I have a boilover and spaz out on the attack, verbally that is but violent and could easily lead to much worse. Specifically in regard to family with condescending behavior or people that act like jerks. I don't know except I don't get much lasting satisfaction from retaliation, it just makes me feel sick and lonely.


This post is brought on because I am sitting in my home on a near perfect day for cycling,certainly for the beach. Nursing a hangover. I was at a high school graduation party last night for my stepfather's niece. There was a lot of free food and booze and I was invited to feast, and be a glutton.I think this the wrong reason to attend a party but anyways. At one point I was dancing with the nieces mom, we were very drunk and there was some inappropriate physical contact on the part of both of us. I forget the tune but she was doing some karaoke and it was a song where both a man but mostly a women's vocals were present. Well it went something to the effect that the woman loved her man but she did some things to piss him off and make him jealous. Being funny, at least in my eyes I said slut in the mic and from there I was chastised and belittled and harassed by the mom, her friend, her son who is at least 12 years younger than me and much bigger in stature and the mother's sister, actually they're both my stepfather's sisters. I tried to apologize and explain the situation, it wasn't that I thought of her that way it was strictly limited to the context of the song. but they just didn't and refused to understand. The son threatened to rough me up along with the mother's sister who is a bit of a masculine gay woman. Like I said I really did try to say sorry but I got picked on later that evening and suddenly just snapped, I wanted kill them all for picking on me and not accepting and moving on. There's a part of me that hates them but I also understand they're ignorance. I guess I don't have to like it and maybe I should apologize to them but they don't seem any better than I so it just seems like a waste of time. These people, family in law, they mean well but they are imbeciles. Even if I got along well with them they don't attract me to be close, hanging with them, gaining they're acceptance is sort of counterproductive to what I want of my life. It's true but it doesn't make it right.

So here I am I squander a lot of time being unproductive and alone. but I want to change for the better. Right now I could go for a ride but I feel a bit of a headache and fatigue from lack of rest although I do feel sort of wired so I can't sleep. I just wanted to get that out. Very tired of kidding myself.

Sincerely, Ryan

[michael white]

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."

Hi Ryan,

do you know where the line above is from? If not, it's easy to find.

Have a good day.

Best,

mw

[JohnHemlock]

Wow, good on you for doing some serious self-examination but try not to wallow in it. That isn't good for you.

Besides the other quote posted, there is also. . .

There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you got to do, is get in touch with it. Stop thinking... Let things happen... and be the ball.

[rugbysecondrow]

Ryan,

From somebody who is imperfect, who has more often been lucky than good, surrounded by people who at times cared more for me than I did for myself, I have had issues too This sounds a lot like rock bottom to me, at least close enough that you can see rock bottom from where you are at. Go find yourself an AA meeting and do something productive with your day. It will either scare you straight, give you ears who will listen, shoulders to cry on, understanding souls who will care, put you on a path to betterment...or maybe all of the above.

Know that you are not alone, it only feels that way. Some may scoff, but read/recite the Lord's Prayer, open the Bible and start reading. Regardless of your current bent, it will provide some perspective.

You should also either ride, walk, run, shoot some hoops...get out and sweat the evil out of you body. Regardless of how this day ends for you, that will help...get some Gatorade too. :)

Good luck friend.

[avalonracing]

Ryan,

As someone who as watched some close friends and family members all but ruin their lives I too recommend getting some professional help. If you have tried an AA meeting and it wasn't for you, try a different one (evidently they can have very different dynamics depending on the people). There are also some great individual counselors who can work with you.

If you are an alcoholic you will always be one and you need help to make the commitment to staying sober. That said, it can be done.

There are so many people who struggle with alcoholism. A good number of them don't realize it or just refuse to admit it. It sounds like you know it and those around you know it too. Use the self awareness that are having right now to get on the stick and do something about it. There is no reason to wait.

Best of luck,
Robb

[SEABREEZE]

It took lots of courage to send a open post to the entire forum. .

There is a advertisement that runs on tv here, regarding Alcholisim, it says, when your ready, come see us, thats the key factor, one has to want to make change.

From your post , you want change, as others posted, now is the time to seek some professional help.

Best of luck to you....

[1centaur]

"when I am slighted and made to feel bad"

Nobody can make you feel bad. That said, some people are not worth spending time with. The best way not to be a pawn in someone else's psychodrama is not to be in their game.

An unhealthy body can make for unhealthy judgments. Alcohol is a poison. View it as an obstacle to a calm, happy mind.

Focus positive energy outwards to ALL those with whom you interact for the next 7 days and see how that makes you feel about yourself. Just an experiment.

[MattTuck]

Ryan,

Even though I've never actually met anyone from this forum, I too feel probably more kinship to the folks on here than I should. That said, I think you're reaching out for help and I hope we are putting you on the right trajectory to get help. I cannot say much beyond what people have given for advice... seek out AA, and/or counseling. I went through some counseling a ways back for some relationship issues I was having. It helped immensely.

**Story removed, because I don't want it out there in the public forever. PM if you want to hear about it **

So anyway, not looking for pity or trying to compare my situation to yours, just saying that the healing process (from anything) isn't easy, takes a lot of work, and has ups and downs. If however, you have a clear goal, it is something worth fighting for. This forum has been a connection to biking while I've been going through this, and I've really treasured and appreciated it. I know I don't have much technical knowledge about bikes or contribute very much to the actual bike topics, but being part of this community has really kept me feeling like much more than the couch potato that I really am. (so thanks to the forum for that).

Keep fighting for what you want, find the help you need, and don't give up until you have the life that you desire. PM me if you ever need/want to talk.

[michael white]

Here are a few more points, either for the OP or anyone else.

In case you're wondering whether AA is truly the answer for alcohol problems, the answer is yes. It's been around for 75 years, is a truly global organization. It is more effective than anything else, not arguably or by a little bit but overwhelmingly, by millions upon millions of grateful members.

Professional help: can't hurt. Many AA members have gotten it, and perhaps it has helped some. Everyone has their own path. But AA is the goal; AA is where you're gonna end up in any reputable counseling plan. AA is the maintenance plan. And most recovering alcoholics still just do it either with AA or with another combination of treatment plus AA. Whether there are ways to do it without AA is not for AA members to judge, but if you ask them they will likely not be able to keep a straight face.

What is AA? AA is people who have been there, and who offer experience, strength and hope to others who suffer from this common problem.

The AA member, even one with only a single day of sobriety, has insight that no outsider, regardless of training or background, can ever have, and those who want that insight should stick with those that have it.

As to some meetings having different dynamics than others . . . No: meetings are the same. There are different types of meetings in every district. But the organization is the same. You can go to a meeting in any country overseas, and it is exactly like a meeting in Georgia or Maine, except that people look/sound different, etc. All the meetings in any given town consist of the same people anyway, all going to different meetings on different nights. But the sameness is something you can depend on.

If you want to succeed, you should follow suggestions; there are no rules, just a few suggestions. It's nonprofit, and no one is in charge. Both of those facts are almost impossible for a typical American to fathom, but this is in fact the case. It's not religious, though many meetings are held in churches. It's perhaps the most democratic institution in America. It's not hocus pocus, just simple common sense, and it works for nearly everyone who really wants it.

And once you get some quality sobriety behind you, then you can ride like the wind (or do anything else which is good for you) and enjoy it like never, never before.

[AngryScientist]

this was quite a post, good work for realizing where you are at.

best of luck to you pal, sounds like you might have a long road ahead, but knowing which way is forward is the most important part of the journey.

[drewski]

I read your post and I want to say it takes a great deal of courage to share
what you did. I also want to echo the suggestion to look into AA.
Also I am sure you are getting a great deal of advice. I want to give
you a quick suggestion. Keep a journal and write down what ever
comes to mind. Good luck with recovery.


We have all done things that we regret. Carpe diem.

Andrew

[Don49]

Ryan,

Don't know if you ever listen to "On Point" with Tom Ashbrook via radio or podcasts. He just did an episode called "Sobriety, Science, and AA’s Legacy" that might be worth a listen. You can find it here: http://www.onpointradio.org/2010/07/the-impact-of-alcoholics-anonymous

[Charles M]

Ryan,

Go get the work done.



;)

[gemship]

Hello everybody, I wanted to give it a couple of days before I replied. I'm not sure if even the time now is right, my reply may be a bit premature. Well I haven't had a drink of liquor, my case beer is the alcoholic beverage of choice, since last Sat. night.

You know I enjoy a certain amount of anonymity posting here but I'm really glad I added my first name to my original post. Thank you everyone for your replies and addressing me by my name as it adds a special priority to each and every message for me.

I've been reading go to a AA meeting a lot. I have been to those in the past. I lost my drivers license due to drinking and driving nine and a half years ago and was court ordered to attend three meetings along with two months of group meeting focused on Alcoholism. I had so much anger at the court system at the time due to my getting caught drunk behind the wheel, the circumstances of my situation and feeling like I was a victim of wrong place wrong time but looking back on it over the years the ordeal changed my life and how I view driving and drinking. Although I never completely stopped drinking I did stop drinking and driving as I recognize the dangers. lately as have gotten older with a slowing of my metabolism and health awareness I have reduced my drinking to a frequency of two to four occasions a week and drinking no more than two to four beers on occasion. Evidently I am a somewhat light drinker but every once in a while and in regard to the incident Sat. night with the graduation party and open cooler filled with Bud I was a glutton and probably drank at least seven maybe eight beers. Well I thought I was doing pretty good controlling my drinking habit but obviously I let my guard down.

I'm not sure AA is for me as my problems maybe more complicated than a drinking problem although I will admit I am powerless to drinking to a certain degree. I also have deep respect for the support system that comes with those meetings although I must say at this time I certainly don't think I could ever get past step 7, making amends to others, particularly all the guilty parties involved at Saturday's party would be difficult. To reiterate I was provoked and verbally defended myself Mel Gibson style to a bunch of drunken in-laws that were in the wrong in so many ways themselves, I know it doesn't make it right but being a mean smart ass was and is a darkside that I have and the drinking brought it on not to mention just being there in their presence. I feel very uncomfortable living near some of these people everybody is small minded, addicted to their vices and gossips. I would really like to move but I risk losing my home in that and economically with no job and week reemployment opportunity the move just seems difficult.

I have a legal situation going on as well at this time, well my mother does. I mean I live in a house that my mother owns on a couple of acres of land. I have cleared the land to build a new house for me. So far we paid two contractors to install a septic system and that contractor also referred the work of pouring a concrete foundation to someone he, well we all know. The foundation came out great as well as the septic system but the problem stems from poor communication and documenting of work agreement for said price in regards to the septic system. Basically the contractor claims we didn't pay enough for the work done so he won't sign off on a board of health document and there is another piece of work that he left unfinished. I know the contractor very well and get along fine with him unfortunately my mother and stepfather who paid for this part of the building of my home are having a difference of opinion. They feel the work he did was paid in full and in my belief the business relationship eroded thru a mistrust because of a lack of specifying what exactly was done for said price. It's now a grey area for the court to decide, we have a lawyer and the contractor has a lawyer too. I'm not supposed to talk about it for obvious reasons. It's difficult because I live amongst lots of nosy neighbors and in laws. Everybody seems envious and they all like to ask questions. It makes it very hard, I have a hard time not talking and ignoring these people. Small towns suck, this is driving me crazy to the point of feeling like I have a ulcer in my belly. In fact I just started to shed a tear as I right this, I want to leave so bad but I also want to see this house building thru to the end. My mother worries about money, I actually have two thirds of the money saved to pay her off and see it thru but she wont take my money and I don't blame, it's her land and I may not even live in the new house in the end as she may just decide to rent it out and that's fine with me. She also loves me as her son and doesn't want to see me fail financially as I have had a hard time finding employment. The more this development drags on honestly I feel ambivalent spending the money anyways.

Well as a change of subject last night I did fifteen miles on the bike and half way I took a dip in the Atlantic, water is very warm now, at a very scenic beach, it was very refreshing. I think I'll make my way to the bike now and head to the beach.You know sensibly if I was working it would be really great for me and physically I can handle it but mentally I'm just a bit of a mess, it's hot and humid and I can't wrap my head around work.Currently living off of savings, budgeting money, everything is paid off and I'm used to this but it has been going on for a long time now since Nov. 08'. I could probably use some good counseling/life coaching. The ingredients are all there in my mind but I just need to find some peace.

Thankyou everybody for reading,

Ryan

[soulspinner]

Ryan, Ive seen this all before. My uncle was the worst alcoholic Ive ever seen. Cost people their lives in a car crash, lost his career and his wife (a truly lovely person). He made it out of the cycle to be a productive, great guy and YOU CAN too. Ive seen it, I believe. Now you must.
Get on the bike every day, keep the serotonan flowing and pray yer ass off. Theres something greater than any of us.

[William]

Ryan,

I've been in a similar place. The only one who can get you out of this and into a better place is you.

Make the commitment and follow through. If those that are around you are trying to pull you down, remove yourself from that sphere of influence. When I turned it around, the people who I thought were friends kept trying to pull me back in. The act of trying to turn myself around made them uncomfortable. If I could admit I had a problem, that might mean they did too.

It can be a tough and sometimes lonely road, but you can do it. Many have walked that road before you, just follow along....one step at a time and don't look back.


Best of luck!
William

[pbjbike]

Hello everybody, I wanted to give it a couple of days before I replied. I'm not sure if even the time now is right, my reply may be a bit premature. Well I haven't had a drink of liquor, my case beer is the alcoholic beverage of choice, since last Sat. night.

You know I enjoy a certain amount of anonymity posting here but I'm really glad I added my first name to my original post. Thank you everyone for your replies and addressing me by my name as it adds a special priority to each and every message for me.

I've been reading go to a AA meeting a lot. I have been to those in the past. I lost my drivers license due to drinking and driving nine and a half years ago and was court ordered to attend three meetings along with two months of group meeting focused on Alcoholism. I had so much anger at the court system at the time due to my getting caught drunk behind the wheel, the circumstances of my situation and feeling like I was a victim of wrong place wrong time but looking back on it over the years the ordeal changed my life and how I view driving and drinking. Although I never completely stopped drinking I did stop drinking and driving as I recognize the dangers. lately as have gotten older with a slowing of my metabolism and health awareness I have reduced my drinking to a frequency of two to four occasions a week and drinking no more than two to four beers on occasion. Evidently I am a somewhat light drinker but every once in a while and in regard to the incident Sat. night with the graduation party and open cooler filled with Bud I was a glutton and probably drank at least seven maybe eight beers. Well I thought I was doing pretty good controlling my drinking habit but obviously I let my guard down.

I'm not sure AA is for me as my problems maybe more complicated than a drinking problem although I will admit I am powerless to drinking to a certain degree. I also have deep respect for the support system that comes with those meetings although I must say at this time I certainly don't think I could ever get past step 7, making amends to others, particularly all the guilty parties involved at Saturday's party would be difficult. To reiterate I was provoked and verbally defended myself Mel Gibson style to a bunch of drunken in-laws that were in the wrong in so many ways themselves, I know it doesn't make it right but being a mean smart ass was and is a darkside that I have and the drinking brought it on not to mention just being there in their presence. I feel very uncomfortable living near some of these people everybody is small minded, addicted to their vices and gossips. I would really like to move but I risk losing my home in that and economically with no job and week reemployment opportunity the move just seems difficult.

I have a legal situation going on as well at this time, well my mother does. I mean I live in a house that my mother owns on a couple of acres of land. I have cleared the land to build a new house for me. So far we paid two contractors to install a septic system and that contractor also referred the work of pouring a concrete foundation to someone he, well we all know. The foundation came out great as well as the septic system but the problem stems from poor communication and documenting of work agreement for said price in regards to the septic system. Basically the contractor claims we didn't pay enough for the work done so he won't sign off on a board of health document and there is another piece of work that he left unfinished. I know the contractor very well and get along fine with him unfortunately my mother and stepfather who paid for this part of the building of my home are having a difference of opinion. They feel the work he did was paid in full and in my belief the business relationship eroded thru a mistrust because of a lack of specifying what exactly was done for said price. It's now a grey area for the court to decide, we have a lawyer and the contractor has a lawyer too. I'm not supposed to talk about it for obvious reasons. It's difficult because I live amongst lots of nosy neighbors and in laws. Everybody seems envious and they all like to ask questions. It makes it very hard, I have a hard time not talking and ignoring these people. Small towns suck, this is driving me crazy to the point of feeling like I have a ulcer in my belly. In fact I just started to shed a tear as I right this, I want to leave so bad but I also want to see this house building thru to the end. My mother worries about money, I actually have two thirds of the money saved to pay her off and see it thru but she wont take my money and I don't blame, it's her land and I may not even live in the new house in the end as she may just decide to rent it out and that's fine with me. She also loves me as her son and doesn't want to see me fail financially as I have had a hard time finding employment. The more this development drags on honestly I feel ambivalent spending the money anyways.

Well as a change of subject last night I did fifteen miles on the bike and half way I took a dip in the Atlantic, water is very warm now, at a very scenic beach, it was very refreshing. I think I'll make my way to the bike now and head to the beach.You know sensibly if I was working it would be really great for me and physically I can handle it but mentally I'm just a bit of a mess, it's hot and humid and I can't wrap my head around work.Currently living off of savings, budgeting money, everything is paid off and I'm used to this but it has been going on for a long time now since Nov. 08'. I could probably use some good counseling/life coaching. The ingredients are all there in my mind but I just need to find some peace.

Thankyou everybody for reading,

Ryan

Dude! Start going to meetings and give up control. It's the only way. Your ramble above just illustrates where you are at and the help you need. Go volunteer at a community bike program if you need something to fill your days. And then a go another meeting after the one you go to before you volunteer. We're behind you but you gotta dig to do the real work.

Keep On,

Patrick

[soulspinner]

Dude! Start going to meetings and give up control. It's the only way. Your ramble above just illustrates where you are at and the help you need. Go volunteer at a community bike program if you need something to fill your days. And then a go another meeting after the one you go to before you volunteer. We're behind you but you gotta dig to do the real work.

Keep On,

Patrick

+1

[gemship]

Dude! Start going to meetings and give up control. It's the only way. Your ramble above just illustrates where you are at and the help you need. Go volunteer at a community bike program if you need something to fill your days. And then a go another meeting after the one you go to before you volunteer. We're behind you but you gotta dig to do the real work.

Keep On,

Patrick


Thankyou for your input. Your post illustrates a lot of difficulty that at least I have with the discussion forums. What you describe as a ramble is my attempt to explain myself, my life, what creates my stress. How do I not rambe in that regard? By the way I enjoy rambling, posting can be a rare case where quantity does have a direct relationship to quality. I mean a simple two or three or four sentence paragraph just doesn't say much. I think a lot gets lost in the translation here. I am very aware and familiar enough with AA meetings. It's interesting how folks react on here when someone admits they are a alcoholic, so many posts promoting those meetings, nothing wrong with that. I mean no disrespect. However it's as if it's this new fangled invention I never heard of which simply isn't the case. I have respect for AA and the people who make it up. In that respect I also understand the limitations of what AA is about and cannot help me with. AA rules openly state they are not a religious organization nor are they a place to seek professional counseling. Also in my experience with going to several meetings as recent as 2007 there's a redundant nature to them that at least for me makes for idle time and noncreative results. At least participating on a forum I do get to learn something thru the discussions. I do like the community bike program suggestion as it simply doesn't exist where I live, not yet. Perhaps I should work on founding a program although I think it would actually be easier and more fun to start taking my cycling more seriously and go pro. Honestly I think talking to a counselor would be the best way to go, if you read my ramble you'll see theres a lot more going on than just a drinking problem. Heck I believe we should all talk to a counselor. Alcoholism is such a subjective thing as is life, your life,my life. There are a couple of forum members here who openly rejoice in tequila and wine consumption, for all I know they may drink harder than I do, personally I don't even go near hard liquor as it's like gasoline for me. I would have to pay a lot of money for it and dilute to the point where I couldn't taste it just to consume it, not for me. I do like a cold cheap beer now and again as I believe it's hard to deny myself but every once in a while I over indulge, namely in the instance I described, a party where the beer was free and drinking was encouraged, as well as low brow socializing. I was hung over when I started this thread, I was also filled with hate for the people I socialized with. Now that I am sober I still don't like those people and want to kill them a little less if that makes sense. They put me in a position that night to verbally defend myself and I got carried away. I really don't like having to school anyone on their failed logic but it happened because I was being harrassed, my man hood was challenged and it wasn't the first time any of said cast of characters had done this. I do know what I did wrong and the experience was enough for me to at least take some introspective stock on me.

Am I rambling here? Is my posting a waste of bandwidth/space? I do like these discussions. I think AA is "a way" but not "the way" If I left the word alcoholic out of my first post and down played the drinking aspect I sort of wonder how posters would respond to this thread?

FWIW- I do believe a lot or posters did see a bit more to it than just the drinking, thanks again.

[pbjbike]

No criticism of you opening up here. Good on you. I was referring to the post I quoted, not those before. There are some excuses and justification for behavior that point towards a problem. AA may not be your path, but it works and teaches tools for dealing with life. Best of luck.