Helpful hints to live your life by...

[William]

1.) Never make tuna fish sandwiches in a dark kitchen.

I was making my lunch at about 4:30 this morning, I reached for the NF plain yogurt ( which I use instead of mayo) and by mistake grabbed the strawberry yogurt. I like to keep the lights low in the house so I do not disturb anyone as I move around. The lights where dim enough that I didn't even notice....that is until lunch time.:eek:

2.) When competing in a national event, don't fall down...just before your turn to go.

Ok, I'll admit this. Don't sit on the top tube of your bike with one foot clipped in and watch your competitors at the start line. If you lean over a bit and start to loose it, you can't easily unclip. Yes, I did that one year at the start of the TT Nats in Seattle. I felt like the biggest A-Hole. Huge crowd around. The guy before me quips, "Is that some kind of new training technique?" :crap:

William

PS: I suppose hint #3 could be, don't admit you've done stupid things on an internet forum. :rolleyes:

[dirtdigger88]

don't eat yellow snow. . . I say that as I prepare to go plow :hello: It is like money falling gently from the sky. . . I love it

jason

[Too Tall]

Righty tighty lefty loosey
Toes goe in first
You sure this is MSG free?


DD, you in the snow moving business or just an enthusiast?

[Bruce K]

If you are a male, there is no correct answer to the question:

"Honey, do these make me look fat?"

BK

[William]

If you are a male, there is no correct answer to the question:

"Honey, do these make me look fat?"

To that question: My eyes glaze over and I say, " So, how bout those 49ers this year?" Then I walk away muttering to myself.

William ;)

[Michael Testa]

The best reply to the dreaded "fat" question is: "No fatter than the last time you had on that outfit.", or in the alternative, "Less fat than the last time you had that on."

[Bruce K]

You know William, we could get quite philosophical here.

A related question would be:

If a male goes into the forest where there is no female around to hear him and he expresses an opinion, is he still wrong?

BK

[KMA]

"You can't mess with my mellow"

[pale scotsman]

Big Will, here's one to remember. Do not rub your eyes after putting a pinch of cayenne in your soup. Or at least wash your hands after you do.

I've been on an italian wedding soup kick lately and like to put a pinch of cayenne pepper in it to spice it up a little. Well Sunday after a 59 miler I was sitting there enjoying my soup and my eye started to itch, so I rubbed it. There was enough cayenne residue on it to make my life very interesting for awhile.

Kinda reminded me of my buddy and I spraying his sisters mace at a spider when we were in 9th grade. Mannnn we should have checked the wind before we did. :crap:

[PaulE]

There was a response to this question in a movie, tv show or comic routine that went something like, "No, your fat makes you look fat!"

Not that I would recommend that as a response.

[dirtdigger88]

DD, you in the snow moving business or just an enthusiast?

TT, snow is part of what I do for a living- for a storm like today I will put 30 truck on the road- 8 skid steers- and a lot of guys with shovels!!!!! Like I said it is money falling from the sky-

jason

[bcm119]

Big Will, here's one to remember. Do not rub your eyes after putting a pinch of cayenne in your soup. Or at least wash your hands after you do.

I've been on an italian wedding soup kick lately and like to put a pinch of cayenne pepper in it to spice it up a little. Well Sunday after a 59 miler I was sitting there enjoying my soup and my eye started to itch, so I rubbed it. There was enough cayenne residue on it to make my life very interesting for awhile.

Kinda reminded me of my buddy and I spraying his sisters mace at a spider when we were in 9th grade. Mannnn we should have checked the wind before we did. :crap:

A corollary to that rule that applies to males only would be: after chopping jalapenos (or other hot peppers) do not go to the bathroom to empty your bladder unless you have good enough aim to do it with no hands.

[csb]

its not ok to lick the table

[spiderman]

1) ride the rollers on brand new carpet after lubing your chain.
2) " " " next to your wife's pure, white chaise longue.

[Bill Bove]

I wish somebody had warned me about redheaded women.

[M_A_Martin]

1. If you have to ask the fat question about any piece of clothing. You know the answer, take it off and find something more appropriate.

2. Do NOT ask ANY male if you look fat or not...he's been watching video porn...you don't have the lighting or makeup to compete.

3. Do NOT ask Bill Bove for directions to the ladder out of the gutter...he doesn't know where it is.

4. Do NOT buy the bike because of the color/weight/components. Buy the bike because it FITS.

[dohearne]

SHOW:
• tenderness to the youth
• compassion to the aged
• sympathy to the striving
• understanding to the weak

[William]

I wish somebody had warned me about redheaded women.

HEY! I married that remark!! :)


Never, I repeat never go out for a ride and leave your wife at home with scissors when she's mad at you....and she knows where your bib shorts are. :crap:

William :)

[Kevin]

Never, I repeat never go out for a ride and leave your wife at home with scissors when she's mad at you....and she knows where your bib shorts are. :crap:

William :)

Never go to sleep when your wife is mad at you. Your bib shorts could be the least of your problems.

Kevin

[Too Tall]

Bruce, if you are still alive...the answer to all questions and I do mean ALL questions pertaining to aforementioned clothing / jewlery / recent plastic surgery etc. is *"Pretty".

*Caveman Parapathetic Pinkiples
Rule #14 para 4.331
codified 10,014 BC

[BumbleBeeDave]

• Comfort the afflicted.
• Afflict the comfortable.
• Never get distracted while zipping up your fly.

BBD

[BumbleBeeDave]

Authorship often credited to Mother Theresa, but Suzzy Roche says when she wrote to Mother Theresa’s successor to use it in this song, the reply was that MT did NOT write it.

BTW, if you listen to the Roches people may think you are a weird “folkie” . . . Listen to the Roches anyway.

BBDave
_________________________

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical,
and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, People may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some
false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone
could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway

Author unknown

music by Maggie and Suzzy

[Tom]

And item number three had me scratching my head.

[Kevan]

nev... Ah, forget it, I'd have to write a book. :D

[dirtdigger88]

I thought of another one

Don't argue with mental midgets..... :p

jason

[Roy E. Munson]

Never pay a woman to beat you up and degrade you!

[Dr. Doofus]

don't attempt to pee while climbing out of the saddle

[TimB]

Never hit anything with your fist that is harder than your fist.

[dirtdigger88]

Never pay a woman to beat you up and degrade you!

no- just get married :banana:

jason

[M_A_Martin]

Return tools cleaner than when you borrowed them
Top off the tank

Don't believe an 18 year old who says he knows how to use a power washer before he starts washing the garage.

[Tom]

Don't empty the bag from the floor sander into the burn barrel.

[pale scotsman]

Don't empty the bag from the floor sander into the burn barrel.

There wasn't a fire in the barrel, was there?

[Tom]

Just a wee spark.

[vandeda]

Just a wee spark.

I bet it made just a little bitty flame when the wood dust hit that wee little spark too ;)


Similar note: Don't use gasoline to start a bonfire ... unless you like 30-40' high flames with accompanying mushroom cloud :banana:

Dan

[spiderman]

and signs posted on the gas pump
warned not to top off the tank...
...and that any spill from topping off
would be reported and fined!
seems that life in florida
isn't as friendly as i remember it...
i don't know how that applys to cycling...
...except to say
that if i move back to florida
i would use as little fuel as possible
although the cycling death rate from irate drivers
is particularly troublesome...
...almost premeditated it seems...
...including a bike shop owner i spoke with this trip
who said he'd 'rather run over road bikers
than give up HIS streets to them...'

[Sandy]

If you ever do write that book, I have an idea for the name of the chapter about when we met- "The Beginning of the End" , or maybe "The Never Ending Nightmare" :)

Silently Sleeping Sandy

[Sandy]

Were you referring to Kevan and Sandy when you mentioned mental midgets???? :) :D


Tom Thumb

[BumbleBeeDave]

. . . this thread has reached the point of diminishing returns . . .

BBDave

[george]

"IF IT IS TO BE IT IS UP TO ME" :)


-Zig Zigglar

[CalfeeFly]

Big Will, here's one to remember. Do not rub your eyes after putting a pinch of cayenne in your soup. Or at least wash your hands after you do.


In a like vein for males make sure you wash your hands VERY thoroughly after using Ben Gay Arthritis Strength before peeing.

[William]

in a like vein for males make sure you wash your hands VERY thoroughly after using Ben Gay Arthritis Strength before peeing.

Same goes for any type of aftershave!! :no:
:crap:


William

[yeehawfactor]

don't practice superman while on rollers

[William]

You know William, we could get quite philosophical here.

A related question would be:

If a male goes into the forest where there is no female around to hear him and he expresses an opinion, is he still wrong?

YES!!!

Even if you're out in said forest, sitting around a campfire with all of your buddies drinking beer and they all agree with your opinion....you are still...WRONG!!

;) :)

William

[William]

When installing a new woodstove, don't:

A.) Let someone bang on the stove pipe when your looking up it (friends sick joke). :no:
B.) Let the Basset run around the room (they are genetically programmed to trample through soot). :no:
C.) Fire it up on a 20 degree night after someone has wiped stove black on it (you have to open the windows and it defeats the whole purpose). :no:


Otherwise known as...."How William spent his Sunday Afternoon". :crap:


William

[keno]

Think twice, post once, edit expiditiously.

keno

[Sandy]

Think once, post twice, confuse everyone.

Sandy

PS- Thanks for the book. I want to pay you for it. Maybe I should think twice before asking you the price.

[keno]

a gift is a gift. Just enjoy the book. Money? Fughettaboutit!

keno

[Sandy]

How about a bike next time?

Sandy