The impact of marriage on biking...??? DANGER! DANGER!

[mtflycaster]

I have seen a number of threads which describe or imply how one's "partner" has strong, or very strong, or absolute influence or control over your bike purchases and/or time on the bike.

Just wondering how many of you have partners who are also avid bicyclists and pretty much give you complete freedom-to-operate, vs. those who have partners which are supportive of your bike habit to a degree, but who are not into it themselves and impose restrictions, vs. those who have partners who are not very supportive at all and who you must contantly do battle with, or other situations?

As a single guy who is in the market, is the key to biking nirvana to have a partner who is also into cycling, or to have no partner at all?

Curious.

[ThomasAylesbury]

I got the eye and the message every night after a work out. Finally I said enough is enough, see ya. Best decision I made. Now have a Portugese water dog who loves to run and MT bike.

[JohnS]

I had my Serotta before I got married, and don't need another. She has gotten into biking and has around 900 miles in this year. The problem with that is that they were all with me and not at the intensity that I normally ride at (2mph slower) sorta a recovery pace. It does keep the marriage happy, though.

[alembical]

My wife is not real into biking, although she does bike some (Mountain more than road, but some of both). She does plenty of other outdoor activities (such as running 5 days a week, which I dont do) and is completely supportive of mine. For us it works out great. I think it would be more difficult for us if she was a big biker and we always rode together. I definitley limit myself (time and money) more than she tries to limit me, but for us right now, time and money are both somewhat limited so it is understandable. Nothing beats that post ride massage.

Alembical

[bulliedawg]

My wife doesn't ride, but she's very supportive of my cycling. She's a great woman who understands how important cycling is to my mental and emotional well-being. Also, she likes that it keeps me in shape, which has ancillary benefits;>}

If you marry someone who doesn't ride, it's important that she has a hobby. That way she won't feel "jealous" of your cycling. If you marry someone who has her own hobby that she feels passionate about, while you might not have cycling in common, you will be able to talk and relate to each other about your individual passions.

I have friends who have married women who don't feel passionate about anything but them. While this stroked their egos, it became a big problem. It meant that their wives didn't understand their passion for other things, wanted to spend every moment with them and control them, and were jealous when their husbands wanted to participate in their hobbies.

Marriage can actually benefit cycling in many ways. You have two incomes and two people to share chores, child care, and other time and energy-consuming (though wonderful) things. If you marry a woman who is willing to share the work, you will likely have MORE time, not LESS time to ride.

As for this, "...absolute influence or control over your bike purchases," we both work. I know some couples who keep their money separate. My wife and I combine all our money, which is good for me, because she makes more than I do. With that in mind, I would never spend thousands of dollars on a bike without discussing it with her. And she would never spend thousands without discussing it with me.

I love my wife for a million different reasons. But her understanding of my cycling need is just one reason. In fact, I bought her flowers at lunch today.

[William]

When I was headlong into racing I was spending four to six hours almost daily training solo or with my team. It irked my wife to no end. The constant procurement of equipment was a strain as well. She didn't like it and let me know constantly. When I do something it's 110% all the way, it's a blessing and a curse. There were some other things happening as well but the cycling was really a sore point. We separated after being married for about five years. During the four to six months that we were separated, we both realized we need to make some compromises in certain areas. I learned that as much as I loved racing, I loved my wife more. I learned to back off a bit and give her a more time. She also realized that I need an outlet for my stress, frustrations, competitive nature, and athletic enjoyment and stopped fighting with me about it (this was all before we had kids).
We have been married fourteen years now (last August) and she has gotten into cycling a bit. She is supportive and has her own hobbies as well. We have ups and downs but I think we we have stayed together because we are really good friends above all else. Compromise is good!


William

[slowgoing]

While I don't intend to minimize the impact of a spouse on riding time and choice of gear, for me a bigger factor has been how much time I want to spend away from my kids when I'm not working. Given the choice, I'd play with the kids every time. As a result, I spend a lot of time on the trainer after the kids are in bed. Soon, though, my son will be old and strong enough to do some long rides. That will be a slice of heaven.

[christian]

My wife is an avid cyclist, to the tune of >5000mi/year. With a Vanilla on order.

Nevertheless, it's a fact that she is less into bike "stuff" than I am, and my incessant purchases of framesets, wheels, handlebars etc. does cause some amount of friction.

Just keep the purchases down to 1/10th of rent each month, and you'll do ok. I'm well over this limit for the last three months. :(

- Christian

[weisan]

fly, thanks for starting this post. I am touched by some of the stuff that people shared here about their marriage. My wife doesn't ride nor have a hobby. It's a constant struggle. But I learn a few things here today. Thanks guys! ;)

weisan

[dgauthier]

As a single guy who is in the market, is the key to biking nirvana to have a partner who is also into cycling, or to have no partner at all?

My wonderful wife, who couldn't care less about cycling herself, completely and utterly supports my cycling because she knows it makes me happy. She is like this in ways too numerous to count, and I reciprocate in kind.

The key to biking nirvana, and ANY nirvana in marriage is for each partner to spend all their time trying to make the other partner happy. Think about it: if both partners spend all their time trying to make themselves happy, they'll continually butt heads, and neither will be happy. If two partners spend all their time trying to make each other happy, then both of them will be happy.

It's simple and it works. Ten heavenly years and counting . . .

[pbbob]

my wife learned in the 2 years before we married that I rode bikes and it's never been a big deal at all. everytime she makes a comment about my bikes I go into the closet and start counting all of her shoes.
16 years and counting.

[Marco]

You have nailed it.

The way I look at it, my kinder are going to grow up fast enough and then not want to spend much time with us at which point we will have all the time in the world to cycle. In the meantime, we try and find the right balance.

We can always ride more when the kids are older but we can't recapture the time we didn't spend with them.

[William]

for me a bigger factor has been how much time I want to spend away from my kids when I'm not working.

This is very important for me as well. On the weekends I'm usually out and riding by 6-6:30 am. By the time I get back everyone is just getting up or has only been up for a short time. This way I get to spend the rest of the day and evening with my wife and children. During the week, I get out during the day when I can. I own my own business and take off for a while.

William

[davep]

After not riding for 20 years, I got back into it because my wife started to ride to get back into shape after the birth of our son. Its wonderful to have a wife that rides, and we ride together alot. But its also a pain to find someone to babysit while we ride together. Ever try to get a babysitter for 6am Saturday or Sunday morning? :crap: Thankfully her sister lives nearby and helps out alot.

Luckily for me is that while she loves to ride, she's not really into bikes. She doesn't say much about the different bikes, frames and other toys, as long as I keep her bike in good shape. And I don't say much about the money she spends on her hair and clothes ;)

[Climb01742]

my first wife didn't understand or share my passion for bikes (or expensive german cars that go way too fast.) a second wife will both share and understand that passion...or there won't be a second wife. :rolleyes:

[vaxn8r]

Tandem. It's a truly great thing for a marriage.

Having said that, it takes a newcomer about 3 times to really decide they like it. Almost universally spouses/SO's hate the first time or two because they are scared because of no control. After trust is built it really starts being fun. If you've never enjoyed the smooth power and speed of a tandem you really ought to try it.

You can share your love of cycling, talk the entire ride, no guilt for either partner. Both of you can work as hard or as little as you like and still have a great ride. Singles breed resentment as the stronger rider thinks the other isn't working enough. The other rider is cursing the stronger rider the whole time. None of that with tandems.

My wife's been my tandem partner for 15 years. Only this year did she get her first "half bike" and now she's getting into that too. She's already raced 3 times this year!

Every couple needs a tandem. It's good for your marriage. No question.

[Smiley]

My wife got into cycling cause of me , lucky me , we bought a tandem together and thats the best purchase we've made in cycling. Ask anyone who attended the Open House Weekend as we were nuts but not so crazy to lead out the 60 miler up Spier Falls and they said tandems can't climb. Get your wife into cycling ..rent a tandem and try riding together its a different perspective for her to ride out with the guys , it works and its not tried enough. The Key is proper stoker fit and a comfortable beam bike and start slow and build on your progress together. Best of luck .

[Bradford]

For me, being married has been both good and bad for me. I’ve been married for almost 4 months now and my wife has lived with me a little over year.

First of all, I’m with Smiley et. all in my support of a tandem. We’ve had our tandem for two seasons now and get about 1,400 miles a year. It is great that our exercise time is also our together time. In addition, we’ve done two tours on our tandem (including our honeymoon) and plenty of events like the PMC and our club’s century. I love our tandem and our time on our tandem and it has opened a whole new world that is just as good as riding by myself. We even left the church after our wedding on the tandem. So if you can get a girlfriend/wife who likes to ride and likes tandems, it will enhance your riding life considerably.

The bad side of it is that my life is now considerably busier. When I was single, I didn’t plan all that much, so I almost always had free time to ride. Now that I’m married, we have plans all the time. Some things are great, like our 4 day trip to Disney World last weekend and our 3 day hike in the White Mountains coming up this week, and some are less great, like visits with her friends or the endless parties, events, and things that come with getting married; either way, it takes up a lot of Saturdays and Sundays that used to go to cycling.

And of course there is the gear issue. My wife’s single (or half bike as I’ll know call it) is an early 90’s Trek carbon/AL that is just fine with her. She doesn’t understand why I need the bike I have, let alone the bike I want. When we got our Tandem, we went with the 105 version over the Ultegra version because I couldn’t come up with a good enough reason for Ultegra. (Much to my annoyance, the 105 has performed flawlessly over two years, which she reminds me of when I mention I need some high zoot stuff). So once you get a wife, expect some discussions on buying gear.

Net effect-- much better for me. Life is better and the tandem is great. Get yourself a cycling wife and you’ll be much happier. :banana:

[vaxn8r]

My wife is not a techno geek at all. She's happy with anything that works. Same with cars for her. But, she knows nice bike stuff drives me so she lets me feed once in a while.

PS. 105=Ultegra-finish with rare exception (like pedals and wheels).

[SPOKE]

it's been so long since i've had a wife that i've forgotten what it was like :p .
i do remember that her choosing to leave had nothing to do with a bike. hell, she even said that it didn't even have anything to do with me??? i'll never understand that comment.
my bikes love me, never fuss at me and don't get jealous when i get another. not a bad deal IMO :p

[gasman]

My wife has put up with my number one passion for years, climbing. She even relented after 10 years and agreed to me climbing Mt. McKinley even though it took me away for 3 weeks and left her alone with the kids.She was always pretty understanding because she grew up with climbers.
When I started to have biking as my #1 passion she tended to resent the time it took on the weekends to ride or the long rides home from work to get in a few miles. After seeing how much biking lets me blow off the stress of work and helps me sleep better she is much more understanding and she supports my riding even though she will ride only 10 miles at the most. I have tried to get her on a tandem but she is sure that we will get a divorce afterwards, in spite of 22 years marriage ! I am not sure she is correct especially after these positive tandem posts-Thanks guys I may get her on one yet.

[dohearne]

My wife does not bike and only does minimal exercise, but she has never resented my running or biking - says it makes me easier to live with which we have been doing for 33 plus years of marriage. Labor day 3 years ago I crashed and ended up with 8 fused vertebrae. Her response - a heart monitor in on my birthday in November for when I got back on my bike. Need I say more!

[alembical]

Gasman,
You are truely fortunate. My wife is okay with the biking, but gets real worried about the climbing. She worries way too much, and therefore my climbing time has definitely decreased. Luckily she really looks up to my mom who is okay with my father's and my own climbing, so slowly she warming up to the idea of me climbing more; but as of now it worries her too much. She is starting to climb in the gym and do some mountains like St. Helens, Adams, and Hood; so she is slowly becoming more understanding.

Alembical

[Sandy]

My truly wonderful, loving, and caring wife knows how much I enjoy cycling and the amazing transformation it has made in my life. I rode Monday, Tuesday, and today, and wil probably ride Thusday, Friday, and Saturday. She fully supports my passion of cycling and that makes me a most fortunate spouse.

Unfortunately my wife does not have any real significant hobbies. She has a muscular disease and really has no interest in cycling. I have talked to her about a tandem bike, but she has not show much interest. I also am worried that we could have an accident, and I would not want her to get hurt.


Neat thread,


Sandy

[gasman]

Gasman,
You are truely fortunate. My wife is okay with the biking, but gets real worried about the climbing. She worries way too much, and therefore my climbing time has definitely decreased. Luckily she really looks up to my mom who is okay with my father's and my own climbing, so slowly she warming up to the idea of me climbing more; but as of now it worries her too much. She is starting to climb in the gym and do some mountains like St. Helens, Adams, and Hood; so she is slowly becoming more understanding.

Alembical

Alembical-
I hope your wife continues to understand your climbing ; being on a rock face or a mountain top has few other matches for clearing the mind and challenging the body. Just tell her that for our age group (20-60) the biggest injury-rate sports are basketball and biking. Oh wait... did I say that?....never mind.

Just get her climbing more :D Only not St Helens right now. ;)

[Tom Robison]

which makes for a wonderful 23 year+ marriage. My wife, for whatever reason, never learned to ride a bicycle. Lately she's regretted the fact because she'd like to go out riding with me. In spite of that fact, she's NEVER begrudged my riding...as long as there is time for US. And that is the key...US. Make time to do things together.

ps...she is supportive of me buying a new Legend. That is a bonus. ;)

Tom

[Dekonick]

My wife is great. 8 years and counting...

My wife also does not quite get the cycling addiction, yet, she still is supportive. The only time it creates problems is when I spend $$$ as she would much rather have a trinket to decorate with than me have an Ottrott or Hors. She did relent when I found out the Hors was (UNFORTUNATELY) discontinued and let me buy one I found in my size.

Like many other significant others, she just doesnt understand the need for more than one bike.

4 and counting...
Hors Cat.
Colorado CR
Trek (yuch) Y-22 mtn
Surley Cross Check (gonna be a commuter bike)

[Dekonick]

Oh yeah - and no. She does not ski, rollerblade, bike, run, fish, or do most of the activities I love. She does excercise (elliptical and total gym + tapes) and loves clothes, decorating, and children.

I wouldnt trade her in for anyone or anything else.

Makes me think... I need to take her out for something special.... :p

:D

[TimB]

I met my wife on a ride sponsored by our local club about 8 years ago. She showed up alone early in the season one year, with a Battaglin, which she wiped down carefully at the end of the ride since we'd had a few sprinkles. I saw her now and again at rides the next couple years...but she was always dating some dunderhead other than me. I'd been into tandeming for a couple years, and had bought a used Santana and had a 'harem' of stokers - friends from the club and wives and girlfriends of my riding buddies. She asked once at a ride about riding the tandem together, and we had a blast. We'd scheduled another ride the next weekend, but an inguinal hernia repair got in the way, and she suggested we go to a movie instead. Her choice? "The Big Lebowski," and we never really looked back. When it came time for us to get engaged, she chose a new Concours over a diamond. (Another story, she got some small diamonds anyway.) Even now, she's very supportive of my riding, and I am supportive of hers. Since Sophie is so young (21 months), our riding together now consists of pulling the Burley behind the tandem to the playground 7.6 miles distant. We get out on our own occasionally - and she encourages me to ride after work during the week even though it means long days at home for her with Sophia. She sometimes even - nags - me to get out and go riding on the weekends.

[Louis]

As a single guy who is in the market, is the key to biking nirvana to have a partner who is also into cycling, or to have no partner at all?


Mt,

I’m single, so take everything I have to say here with the required dose of salt, but I’m wondering about your comment. Yeah, cycling is very, very important to many of us, but I’ve got to believe that there are plenty of things in life more important than bikes, even for weird lycra-clad types like us. What’s important to me may mean squat to you, and vice versa, but nevertheless, if something horrible happened and tomorrow we found ourselves unable to ride again for the rest of our lives we would be bummed big time, but we’d get over it eventually and life would go on. A lot worse has happened to a lot of people out there.

Are you looking for “biking nirvana” but not what one might call “overall life nirvana?” The latter is surely more important and can be achieved with or without bikes even for us. The fact that you might consider no partner at all in order to reach biking nirvana suggests that you see things differently. Could you fall in love with someone who was not an avid cyclist? I’m sure you could. Many of us already have.

My $0.02
Louis

[mtflycaster]

Hey there...

I've enjoyed seeing your responses and can definitely relate to some of them (I've been married before, but biking had nothing to do with my move back into singledom).

Obviously, everyone's answer to finding joy with your partner is different. I guess the key is compatability and mutual support, whether your partner is into biking or not.

My philosophy these days is that any relationship is all about supporting each other as we continue to grow as individuals to each be the best person we can be. One-way won't work very long. That is, if you try hard all the time to make the other person happy, but the effort is always one-way, resentment brews, and that can be the kiss of death.

Besides, we should not be responsible for "making" another person happy, in my view, and vice versa.

Congrats to those of you who have found ways to make it work over the long (>5 yrs) haul.

[mtflycaster]

Louis --

You make some good points, and I have not argument with anything you said.

Indeed, there are a lot of other things important to me (and most of the rest of us, I'm sure) besides biking, for sure.

Biking nirvana will not necessarily lead to "life nirvana". The real issue for me personally is to find someone who can accept me, and my passions, for what I and they are, and likewise I accept them for who they are, and hope that we can make the relationship work.

One other thought. I made the decision to marry the fist time for love, and ingored other issues related to goals, life experience, and lack of mutual interest. My bad. Love was just a feeling which passed, in time, and then there was nothing left.

Feelings are often transient, the core of compatability may be less so.

[mtflycaster]

Sorry for the poor typing tonight, folks...

[Russ]

....My wife doesn't ride, but she's very supportive of my cycling. She's a great woman who understands how important cycling is to my mental and emotional well-being....

If you marry someone who doesn't ride, it's important that she has a hobby. That way she won't feel "jealous" of your cycling. If you marry someone who has her own hobby that she feels passionate about, while you might not have cycling in common, you will be able to talk and relate to each other about your individual passions.

I love my wife for a million different reasons. But her understanding of my cycling need is just one reason....
It is great to hear my wife ask me, after just about every ride : "Honey, how was your ride today?.... Did you kick arse, or did you get your arse kicked today...." She asks the later, so she can give me tender loving, she asks the first so she can congratulate me. What a woman... what a woman.... the happiest 5 years of my life and counting!!!

PS
I do buy her flowers often :)

[rustolium]

Great posts and I just thought I would throw in another positive post.

Find a partner who understands that passions are important. You have to do the same. For you guys afraid of getting married, my wife helped me add a decked out Pinarello Dogma to my collection for our aniversary.

Yes, that does buy a lot of shoes on the other side, but it was worth it!

[Serotta PETE]

[QUOTE=mtflycaster]Hey there...

My philosophy these days is that any relationship is all about supporting each other as we continue to grow as individuals to each be the best person we can be. One-way won't work very long. That is, if you try hard all the time to make the other person happy, but the effort is always one-way, resentment brews, and that can be the kiss of death.

Besides, we should not be responsible for "making" another person happy, in my view, and vice versa.

Mt Fly, you have some very enlightened words --- marriage or for that matter, any relationship is about mutual respect and understanding. Without these it is not going to be a happy experience for either party for very long.

Each and evey person is responsible for defining and then making themselves "whole" and "happy". For those we cherish, it is one of give and take but always one of respect/partnership..

There is no easy formula but the words of "treat one as you would like to be treated" hold much! Too often it becomes a one way street to unhappiness for one of the parties forgets this simple slogan. I have been married for MANY years and there have been many ups and downs (more ups then down). One thing that has always been there is a mutual respect for the other party!!!.

Life is good and people are good!! Savor the moment! PETE

[lithiapark]

I would posit that bicyling forums are a greater risk to marriages than biking. What ARE we doing typing back and forth to each other when we could be talking with our mates?

Bike clothing seems to be a larger problem for me. My wife questions the propriety of wearing lycra shorts in public. $200+ for bicycling shoes?

Economic equity is important. One should not ride a bicycle that costs more than your wifes car.

Bicycling can be perceived as a vice, but a wise mate will realize there are others that are much worse. Some are clearly bad for your health and some are "God's way of telling you: YOU HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY.". My wife is wise.

The perceived risk of a riding accident is mitigated by a large, paid up, life insurance policy. I know money won't replace me, I know it wouldn't replace my bike if it were stolen. But a new, updated model would soften the blow. Biking also replaced motocrossing for me. My wife, being an ex ICU nurse, sees this as a change for the better.

Riding a tandem is a good idea, at least so far. I got her a Thudbuster seatpost, and try hard to warn her when big bumps are coming. The tandem eliminates the "unequal passion for pain" that plagues two half bike riders, I can pedal as hard as I want or as easy as I would like. My wife is also in charge of the bell and navigating in traffic. She prefers this to worrying about finicky shifters so we make a good team.

We just attended the T-Mobile International in San Francisco. I watched both races from start to end standing at the top of Taylor Street. The winning attacks in both the womens and the mens races took place in 100 yards of climbing right in front of me. My wife came and visited me after sleeping in, and then walked down to Nordstrom and shopped for a few hours. We both had a great week end.

Twenty two years and doing well! :D

[M_A_Martin]

On SO's, time, and money: You just have to find the right girl.
My ex and I never limited the purchase of gear or the time to use it. If either of us wanted something, and the bills were paid, we got it. Money can't buy happiness, but it helps to purchase things that promote activities that you're happy doing.

Now here's a vote against a tandem.

First note: My ex and I are still friends. He got the tandems in the divorce because I didn't want to be a stoker ever again. It just put us in each other's back pocket way too much. Togetherness is a wonderful thing, but we are both very independent riders.

We started riding the tandem because it *was* something we could do together. It was a good idea, but a bad pairing.
Part of it is a riding style issue. His captain to my stoker just didn't work out. No matter how much we communicated, our individual styles never seemed to mesh. (I spin, he mashes big gears...slow...) I know how to steer from the back of the bike. It brings a whole new meaning to "back seat driver". Before anyone takes exception, my steering saved our rears a couple times when my ex just wasn't paying enough attention to the task at hand. Handy for icecream stops too.

So many men I know think that a tandem would be the perfect thing to get their wives to buy into their hobby...that's just incorrect. If the wife doesn't ride, make sure that stoker seat is DANG comfortable for her! Be patient too. Make it a social thing not a training thing. Go on group rides that stop at decent cafe's. My one buddy has had a tandem three years and his wife is just starting to be comfortable on it (and he's one of the few people I'd be a stoker for...go figure) If the wife does ride? Make sure the trip isn't boring!

[William]

One other thought. I made the decision to marry the fist time for love, and ingored other issues related to goals, life experience, and lack of mutual interest. My bad. Love was just a feeling which passed, in time, and then there was nothing left.

This is a very important point. Way too many people get married based on the romantic (lusty –for lack of a better word) love that permeates a realationship in the first one to two years (roughly). The problem is that this stage will pass, and if you don’t have the goals and aspirations pointed out in the above quote, your likely headed for an un-happy marrige or divorce. I think this is one of the reasons that the divorce rate in this country is so high. I have seen many friends and relatives go through this. It doesn’t mean that you can’t still be in love or be romantic with your partner, it just means that the dynamics tend to change as time goes by and there needs to be more to the relationship than just “doing it” a lot (even though that is a lot of fun :D ).
My wife and I have had our ups and downs (many more ups), and we needed a short time to re-group and evaluate our relationship. But we are much stronger for it. Again, I feel the key for our success is the fact that we are such good friends that really love each other. :banana:


William

[Kevin]

My wife is very supportive, even though she does not ride. I think that her attitude is that the more time I spend on the bike the less time I am around to pester her.

Kevin

[keno]

If for no reason other than to say it's different for each of us, here is my short story.

I've been married for 22 years and together with my wife for 27 years, in all. There has been one constant insofar as interests are concerned, and it has been for her. The interest is in horses and in competing them. Folks, nothing can consume more time and travel than horses and the related activities. Moreover, the money you can spend in the activity makes Ottrott money look like chump change.

We deeply respect the interests of the other. That is a central aspect of our relationship. It is nothing we discussed two decades ago, but we must have known what we were doing, at least as far as that goes. BTW, I believe that marriage is rocky from time to time no matter what. At a variety of times a couple has to figure out whether they care enough and have the ability to go forward together. It ain't about the bike, and, as pointed out in previous posts, eventually it ain't about the heat.

My wife supports her habit and I support mine, with the following exceptions. She gave me my first bike in 2001, a Specialized Rock Hopper. She gave me my second bike in 2002, a Cannondale r2000si. She gave me my third bike in 2003, a Serotta Concours. She gave me my fourth bike in 2004, a Spectrum steel. I bought my Bianchi Pista track bike this past summer. We are in lititgation.

keno

[davep]

Economic equity is important. One should not ride a bicycle that costs more than your wifes car.

But, if your spouse has a nice car, you can have a bike (or bikes) that are worth more than your car :D

[Too Tall]

You guys are going to laugh. She STALKED me after seeing me with another gal I'd been with 4 yrs. and than kept passing me on local club bike rides. We hooked up, I'm on my knees engaged in 3 weeks...what fool wouldn't? Lezzsee: hot babe, nurse, rides bikes, going to grad school, hot babe, jewish, rides bikes, hot babe.... ;)

12 yrs. later we've raced for 5 state tandem champs, tandem crits, 2 PBPs and across the USA on tandem. She denies me nothing...a total angel. Cycling and Queen have been good to me bro's. I'll stick with this for a while more. If it weren't for the former(s) I'd be DEAD.

[Climb01742]

but why get married at all? love is about love. marriage is about money. cynical, yes, but painfully true. all the things a supportive loving partner does for the other partner can be done without marriage. love should last as long as love lasts. not until the alimony payments end. what does marriage really add to love? no marriage ever made love last longer. i doubt anyone could honestly argue that marriage ever made love deeper. yes, love deepens, but when it does, it is because of time, shared events, challenges met, pain shared, children raised, jokes shared, accomplishments achieved together. all of those things can be done as two loving beings sharing a life, not a marriage license. marriage is adding laws to love. and that just screws things up. i repeat: love is about love. marriage is about money.

[Sandy]

Perhaps marriage is about commitment.

You do make some very reasonable comments. Perhaps marriage adds a special commitment to the love, in addition to the monetary factors.


Sandy

I do guess I am a little different. There is the love. But my wife has all the money, and she had me commited to the local asylum.

[mtflycaster]

Some might say that

"love is a phenomenon cured by marriage."

?

Climb makes some good points, in my view. People get married because they are in love, bu marriage is not about love. It is a legal partnership.

In my limited experience, it has always been the woman pushing for marriage. What does this imply?

[JohnS]

In my case it was because she didn't want to turn her life upside down, move 2400 miles, and then have me say "see ya". She makes much more than me and MI is a non-alimony state so that had nothing to do with it.

[bulliedawg]

but why get married at all? love is about love. marriage is about money. cynical, yes, but painfully true. all the things a supportive loving partner does for the other partner can be done without marriage. love should last as long as love lasts. not until the alimony payments end. what does marriage really add to love? no marriage ever made love last longer. i doubt anyone could honestly argue that marriage ever made love deeper. yes, love deepens, but when it does, it is because of time, shared events, challenges met, pain shared, children raised, jokes shared, accomplishments achieved together. all of those things can be done as two loving beings sharing a life, not a marriage license. marriage is adding laws to love. and that just screws things up. i repeat: love is about love. marriage is about money.

Climb, you speak in such absolutes. Sorry but I don't buy it. In my humble opinion (a qualifier you might learn to use more frequently), marriage is about love. How do I know this? I'm a living example.

[Climb01742]

sandy, sadly, marriage and commitment have little to do with each other. 50% divorce rate attests to that. but honestly, i would not want marriage to be what keeps people together, keeps them commited. love should do that. if the love goes, why stay together? rarely does a loveless marriage really benefit anyone: man, woman or child. nor dog. ;) which is one more reason why i feel marriage is an outdated, ultimately destructive concept. love is the glue. the strongest best glue. anything else that binds people isn't nearly as strong, as noble, as positive, as healthy.

[Climb01742]

Climb, you speak in such absolutes. Sorry but I don't buy it. In my humble opinion (a qualifier you might learn to use more frequently), marriage is about love. How do I know this? I'm a living example.

bulliedawg, 99.9% of my posts are caveated with in my humble opinion. in this case, i was stating a truth as i see it. or perhaps ranting a truth as i see it. and rants usually are seeded with both truth and exaggeration. i'm sorry if my rant or my extreme feelings crossed a line for you. but even in your admittedly very admirable case, i would posit a humble conjecture: i bet you and your wife would love each other just as much, be just as happy, if you had spent your lives together married or unmarried. i humbly submit that your situation is born out of your lives, your characters, your fidelities, your choices, your decencies, your hearts...and not the piece of paper that says you're married. but yes, sir dawg, i could be very very wrong. but to be fair, i earned my opinion the hard way. a way i'm paying thru the nose for every month. i'm living the truth of my observation, so with humility, let me state it.

[bulliedawg]

[QUOTE=Climb01742]if the love goes, why stay together?QUOTE]

It's so complicated. Sometimes the love doesn't "go," it just plays hide and seek for a while. Several happily married men have told me that remembering their wedding day -- the actual ritual of getting married -- has helped them get through those hide and seek moments. Sometimes the love does go, but it's not always easy to know for sure whether it's gone forever.

[Dekonick]

Oh boy...another 4 page + thread!

Marriage is about alot of things - many of which are legal. I love my wife. I am glad we are married. Marriage is about love, companionship, a joining of resources, both emotional and financial. Think beyond Hollywood - think about illness. Think about children. You can't visit sick loved ones in some hospitals (think CCU, ICU, maternity ward) - you cant make medical decisions for your mate - unless you are married. You cant pass on wealth to your future generations or your spouse without the tax hit unless you are married. You cant get health benefits for your significant other from your employer - unless you are married. You cant pick up kids from some schools or day care unless you are related (ie your significant others kids that he/she had before you met...)

And you risk alot when you get married. You risk your wealth, reputation, credit, - even your kids - when you get married.

To me, marriage is a contract - its a contract telling your significant other that you are willing to stay the course - that you are in for the long haul - that they can have a child with you and know that you will be there - for better or for worse.

I am married. I plan to stay the course. I plan on building a joint future with my wife, one that (hopefully) one day will have children, grand children, and perhaps great grand kids. I consider marriage the least I can offer my significant other - after all she is willing to have my offspring.

8 years and counting...
some hard times, but mostly good. :D

[weisan]

This is a very heavy-laden topic. Definitely not something that can be fully addressed in a forum, less a post. I mean really, some of the issues brought up here are so old and challenging that there are tons of books written about it, hordes of so-called in-field experts dole out advice and opinions on it. In fact, even the kind of religious faith one might have, do factor into the picture in deciding what marriage is about and how it should be run.

Climb-pal...about your post....hmmmm....interesting and I think Sandy is as always very sensitive and diplomatic. Consider I am just a young chap who is only married for 8 years, I submit my views here in humility. As much as I like to peel away dead wood and see the essence of things, I won't go as far as simplifying the matter to just money and love. I think it's more than that.

At one level, marriage is as much a committment as well as a compromise. The time I spent on my bike is considerable and I would never make light the kind of sacrifice my wife and children have to put up in order to see me out there riding my bike for 5-6 hours in a row. I want and I love to spend more time with my family and kids especially now while they are still young and with us. I appreciate the fact that a time like this flee from us too quickly and can never be re-captured. I don't want to lose it. But I also want to bike if I can. So, how can I reconcile this apparent conflict of interests?

I try to find the middle road. A compromise. The hard part for me now is trying to convince my wife and children that I have indeed striked a balance. Strictly speaking, I only ride once a week on a Saturday for about 5-6 hours. And I set out very early before first light and try to get home before noon.
So in my mind, I don't really spend that much time on the bike. Well, not so for my wife and she is actually right in her thinking. Off the bike, I spent my time reading bike magazines, surfing bike-related websites, and rubbing shoulders with my Serotta pals here in the forum. Overall, I spent far more time than the 5-6 hours I claimed to be on my bike. And that's the issue.
I cannot say that I disagree with her. I think I am turning a corner now in recognising that every minute I spent on bike-related stuff is an opportunity cost. It's one minute I spent away from my wife. It's one minute I spent away from my kids. It's one minute I spent away from fixing stuff in the house. etc etc. There's an opportunity cost to everything and I need to pay attention to that.

At another level, marriage is also an instrument used for mutual growth. The struggle that goes with it and the price that we pay, they come with long-term dividends...not instant profit. Speaking for myself, marriage makes me a better person. I learn a lot about my own selfishness and desires. I learn to put other people first. I learn about nurturing our children for future generations. And most of all, I learn more about my faith through marriage.
I am sure there's so much more to a marriage than just these two observations. Even if my wife and I stick together through thick and thin until the end of our lives, we may never discover everything.

BUT very important, I couldn't stress this enough...our friends here are contributing to this post in the spirit of sharing personal experience. Whether your marriage eventually works out for you or not, it's not something anyone of us here can or should attach value judgment on. We all learn. Like one of my ridding buddies like to say, "It's aaaall goooooooood." :p

weisan

[Climb01742]

each of us has a very different, personal life experience. i was wrong to generalize so broadly. but i was very true to my understanding. as each person who posted has been true to their understanding.

i'm deeply glad and appreciative that this forum is about more than just cycling. i know that the non-cycling posts drive some members nuts. as a major offender, i'm sorry. but the non-cycling posts add a depth to the forum that i find special.

[Spectrum Bob]

Interesting topic, here are my 2 cents

I met my wife on a club ride and we have shared many wonderful cycling moments. It is only since I lost weight about 2 years ago that I could keep up with her. When we were married I rode her into our reception on the top tube of an old mountain bike. I managed to keep her gown away from the chain. Before we got engaged she used to let me beat her up hills, but that didn’t last long. She claimed she didn’t want to bruise my delicate male ego. We are pretty even now thou she rides with a relentless focus.

We work hard to allow each other the time to ride thou since our daughter was born we rarely have the opportunity to ride together. The older she gets the more time we have to ride. I remember the first couple of years I was lucky to get in 700 miles a year. We are riding more now. I am the earlier riser so I will often go out early on the weekend and she will go out when I get back. We have trainers side by side with fans and a TV VCR set up in the basement. We ride most week days together at 5:30 am. The best thing about riding trainers so early in the morning is that you don’t usually remember the misery of doing it.

We have a bike maintained budget and I do almost all the upkeep to the fleet. I can take bonus money for a major purchase, that’s how I bought my Spectrum. My wife just put money aside to purchase a new bike for herself.

I am a lucky man, I don’t have all the bikes I want but I have what I need and what I have is just wonderful. ;)

Spectrum Bob

[Too Tall]

Can't help myself. BugSplatBuddah Bob and Wife have it alllll baby. Model citizens and a very happy kid ta boot.
Now Bob ,old boy, BEG me not to tell everyone about the (cough) 60's picture of which you shared the other day :) OMG

[Climb01742]

perhaps someone's view of marriage depends on who they married? :crap: buddha bless all those who chose well. :beer:

[Sandy]

Yes they have it all- Great love and togetherness, great kid, great cycling,.....

But somehow thet acquired me as a friend- Guess they needed a balance in their stable and happy life.

Friendly Sandy

[Scrafford]

I have been married for 27 years and both my wife and I are avid cyclist. Almost all of our recent vacations include biking. It is wonderful to have full support from your partner. I have just bought my first Serotta (Ottrot) and my wife did not blink. That is true nirvana.

[spiderman]

i started the day being kind of tough on my 9 year old daughter...
...not very loving.
i met my wife at noon.
we went for a spontaneous ride together,
showered
and had lunch.
...she made an interesting comment...
'marriage is deciding to love each other
when either of us is unlovable.'
i thank God for such a loving partner
who is able to see past my innumerable imperfections,
forgive me and love me more deeply than is humanly possible.
obtw,
we've tried a tandem.
kayaking, it's great...we have a libra xt
and we though it would be the same on wheels, but...
biking...on a tandem would kill us.
...each of us is too strong willed.
we took a serotta tandem out to master it
and nearly snapped it in half going opposite directions.
i spin...she likes to keep her own cadence.
i let it all hang out on a downhill, she's wearing her brake pads out...
...she's learning to paceline now though...
...now that's the perfect tandem ride!
i cut the wind and she has all the flexibility she deserves...
i was wearing a jacket on our ride today and couldn't see her behind me
and asked: 'are you there?'
her reply: 'i'm sittin' on your backside, eating up your wheel--
pick it up a little would you, let's climb this hill together!'
...that's what marriage is...

[Lost Weekend]

Iv'e enjoyed reading everyones story. My wife calls herself a fairweather cyclist. She is a very, very fairweather cyclist I tell her. I did get her out on 4 or 5 big rides this year- she did 40 miles half way round lake tahoe for a PR. I waited for her at the finish line- I could tell it was tough on her but she made it and she was proud of herself. The tahoe century (Americas most beatiful ride) has a great finish line. There must of been a 1000 people cheering the riders has they came in.
Last month we did the MS ride in santa rosa. My wife got another PR that day of 53 miles. Again I was waiting by the finish line camera in hand. I had the biggest lump in my throat when she crossed. I've never been so proud of anyone in my life, and she felt pretty darn good about herself.That has been the best moment for me on a bike- just seein her face has she crossed the line.
I don't know if my wife will ever be a hard core cyclist, but she cetainly has the will and the guts to be one if she wanted, and she totally supports me with what ever I do and viceaversa.
And one other thing, without a marriage there would be no BACHALOR PARTY!!!!!!!!!! :beer:

[arsegas]

I'm married to my bike.

Seriously though, it took a little time for my wife to understand and appreciate my passion for cycling. As many others have written, my wife understands that it riding is a source of release and happiness for me, and has been supportive of my hobby. However, getting her to accept the costs of cycling has been more difficult. First I got her to agree to shell out $150 for a Fizik Aliante, by appealing to our mutual desire to protect the family jewels. And I wore her down methodically over numerous months of convincing, expectation-setting, and shameless begging until she relented on my purchase of my Moots.

Now I'm working on my next component upgrade... :)

[Sandy]

Don't push it! She might be working on her next human upgrade. :)

Sandy

[vaxn8r]

My $.02

When it's about me and my personal interests, including whether or not I'm in love....then I guess I'd rather not have to sign a contract. Just enjoy as long as it feels good.

To take it to another level, where you love someone else, not the the same thing as being in love, to love someone and build them up, and entering into a covenant, deeper than a civil contract IMO, then you can build a stable relationship for a family, bigger than the sum of it's individual parts. You can't get that without marriage. Not when you can just walk away when you fall out of love. True, some treat their marriage this way, thus the divorce rate. But that really isn't what a true marriage ought to be.

Joy and sorrow are inseparably intertwined. Marriage can be hard but with great rewards. Happiness is fleeting...

[TimB]

I know I'm chiming in a bit late here, but I was way busy yesterday.

There is, or was, likely a 'biological' reason for marriage. As an institution, it certainly pre-dates the use of money and appears even in primitive societies.

To me it's understandable for a woman to want to be married - as a sign of committment from the man that he will remain to provide for any offspring that are produced - thus increasing the chances that her genes will be passed on.

From the male perspective, marriage, or more narrowly, monogamy, is bad - he increases the chances of HIS genes being passed on by producing offspring with as many different women as possible.

I see marriage as a promise - made in public - by the man and woman that they will support each other. True it seems that the man has more to lose in this arrangement but also he has something to gain, namely a chance to reproduce. (Yes, all very traditional I know - but bear with me here.) Making this promise in public, the man is/was bound by societal rules to provide for the children produced. I think the industrial revolution whacked all of this though.

Nowadays - marriage is indeed much more of a legal arrangement, and has been FORCED to become more of a legal arrangement by modern society. I have friends that had been living together for about 15 years - and not until they discovered they could save money on health insurance, etc. did they decide to get married and make it 'legal.' Their committment to each other had been made long ago, and really their public promise (marriage) had been demonstrated by the length of time they had already been together. Someone else pointed out the ability to make medical decisions for a spouse that would be denied a 'partner.'

It's also much less of a biological imperative that couples stay together nowadays, many more women work, and they don't need a man to go out and kill a bison for food, so divorce is much less a threat to our species survival.

Am I blathering, or does any of this make sense?

[TimB]

On a more or less humorous note...

I had a friend from India in grad school, a woman well on her way to earning her PhD in mathematics. She told me one spring she was going back to India that summer to meet her future husband, a man her parents had selected for her with the help of a matchmaker. She was very much at peace with the arrangement, and in fact talked disparagingly of her older sister, who had a 'love marriage.' We actually talked at length about this, and one thing she said has stuck in my mind. Her take on why the divorce rate among couples with arranged marriages was so much lower than 'love marriages' was that, "In an arranged marriage you have no expectations."

[Sandy]

It certainly makes perfect sense to me. I no longer have to go out and keep killing those unfortunate bison. Thanks!

Please say hello to Sophisticated Sophia for me. She probably won't even remember me. Also, please say hello to Mrs.TimB. She probably doesn't want to remember me.

:) Sophisticated Sophia's Suitor Someday :)

[Spectrum Bob]

Thanks, Too Tall & Sandy

There is no doubt, for what really matters I do have it all. I am very grateful indeed.

As fare as that picture, I am who I am, an old hippie artist that makes his living in sales. I would rather be spending my days throwing pots, carving wood and riding my bike but life is life. Too Tall, we still need to build that wood fire raku kiln!!

One other thought about my marriage, we have made a conscious effort to maintain a creative life style. When I closed my door to my pottery many years ago I said that I was going to enter the straight world to earn a living so I can afford the luxury of a studio. I felt bastardized having to produce production pottery to make a living and not have the time to produce the type of art I really wanted. I have come to believe that being an artist is not always producing art but how you see, think and live. I have worked hard to try to live creatively and this is something my wife and I share a core values.

So what does this have to do with the original topic? Life, love, cycling, art are about passion. It is these passions that make my life a joy. What makes my marriage a joy is how we can both have and share our passions together in our daily lives.

BugSplatBuddah Spectrum Bob

[zap]

I met my wife on a weekly club ride. She just started cycling and I, well, was seasoned.

It's strange looking back how much changed in that short time frame. I met a lady who would become my wife and I changed my career all in a matter of months. As an indirect result, my cycling did suffer. But it suffered more from lack of interest as I was getting pretty burned out with cycling by that time. Marriage and career made it easier to not jump in the car and race in rush hour traffic to get to a ride start on time. Nerves were needed for the job rather than being expended during rush hour.

However, my wife and I still rode our bikes and over the years we would each in turn purchase bikes as gifts for one another. In the past two years as my career took another turn, I've increased my cycling commitment while my wife gets out once a week. Quilting has become a priority during her leisure time.

Over the years our interests and priorities have changed but our love for one another if anything has grown deeper. Cycling will most likely always be a part of our lives, but the intensity might change from time to time as our adventure in life moves forward.

[Sandy]

My brother's wife quilts also. Perhaps I will be able to show Mrs. Zap one of the amazing creations that my sister-in-law has produced. She teaches quilting and has won numerous ribbons and best in show for some remarkable quilts. I will try to get a few to show Zip. She would really love them.

I have entered numerous dog shows- conformation,obedience, agility,flyball,... I never won anything until last week when I entered a neighborhood dog show. I won four blue ribbons- Largest dog, ugliest dog, least hair, and worst obedience. I am really proud.

Zapster- If I started a class in road racing techniques, would you or Mrs. Zap be my first student(s)????

Would you like to see my dog show blue ribbons? Would you give me a few biscuits, take me for a long walk, rub my ears,.......???????

Saluki Sandy

[TimB]

Sandy,

You're not supposed to enter YOURSELF in the dog shows! No wonder you never won anything for obedience!

TimB

[Sandy]

They made an exception for me, after they heard me bark and growl. I also lift up my right leg when........

Saluki Sandy

[TimB]

Lifting a leg? I mean, I know men of your age often have prostate problems, but this is the first I've ever heard of one needing to go to such extremes!

[Sandy]

Actually lifting the leg is the easy part. Remembering why I lifted it is more difficult. Figuring out how to put it back down is the most difficult part. I used to lift both legs at the same time, but for some reason that never worked out too well.

I am working a deal with Zap and Mrs.Zap to pull,on their tandem,you,your lovely wife, your sophisticated and beautiful daughter,and Dandy Sandy and his Mastiff Myron, up Illchester road in Howard County. The five of us will be in a carriage enjoying the sights.


Faster Zap, Faster Zip, Faster Zip and Zap,


Myron, Sandy, Sophia, TimB, and Mrs.TimB

[SManning]

I've been married to my husband for 5 1/2 years. We started riding together, but over the last year I've become more serious about racing and training than my husband. My husband will go on my training rides with me (I can't totally drop him yet), it's nice to have his company and support.

Since late summer, he's been injured and hasn't been riding with me as much. I think it's hard on him when I've been out riding my bike for two hours while he's been home working on the house. I think it's hard for him because he desperately wants to be out riding as well. For me it's hard to find a balance between completing my training plan, balancing work and taking care of him as well. I think he's looking forward to Iceman, because after that he'll have someone to cook him dinners and be home with him in the evenings.

He is very supportive of my training and racing. When I needed a new bike, he was supportive of that purchase; I am supportive of his bike purchases as well. I have a coach and Matt is supportive of Terry working with me and writing my training plans.

I think the secret is to find someone that understands your passion for bikes, but also be able to show your spouse that they're more (or as important :) ) as riding the bike.

[mtflycaster]

Well, one thing we do know for sure. There are lot of folks here interested in biking, but an awful lot interested in relationships, too! More than 70 posts and 1800 views? Yikes.

:-)