Semi UnPC Santa joke

[Bruce K]

Only from a student pilot.... :rolleyes:

The FAA inspector is checking out Santa and his sleigh for their Christmas flight.

After the written test, eye exam, and pre-flight inspection they are ready to go for their flight check.

Santa notices as the inspector gets into the sleigh he is carrying a shotgun (and no, it's not William).

Santa is a little concerned and asks the inspector wwhat the shotgun is for.

The reply .... "Well, on this flight, you're going to lose an engine just after take-off!"

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

BK

[BumbleBeeDave]

. . . and says to the bartender, "You wouldn't believe some of the creepy friends I have! Now take my friend Bruce---PLEASE!"

Thang-KEW, thang-KEW very much! I'm here through Thursday . . . Try the veal!

BBD

[whitecda]

and says, "Is the bartender here?"







took me a while too the first time I heard it...........




Alternate emphasis: ".....bar tender....."

[whitecda]

and the bartender asks...."Why the long face?"






........and to all a good night. :p

[rwsaunders]

A rabbi, a penguin and a parrot walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"

Have a good night too.

[david]

guy walks home one night and finds a snail on his front steps.

tosses the snail in the bushes.

two weeks later, guy walks home and finds same snail on front steps again.

snail says "what was that all about?"

[Bud_E]

A duck waddles into a bar and asks the bartender "Do you serve lunch?". The bartender says "no".

The next day the duck waddles back into the bar and asks "Do you serve lunch ?" The bartender says "No, I told you we don't serve lunch !".

The next day once again the duck waddles in and : "Do you serve lunch?". The bartender is really annoyed and says " NO! We don't serve lunch and if you ask again I'll nail your webbed feet to the bar !".

The next day the duck shows up again and asks the bartender "Do you have any nails ?". The bartender is a little dumfounded and says "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says: "In that case: Do you serve lunch?".

[manet]

a fig walks into a bar

[ergott]

Guy walks into a bar.








Had a bump on his head for a week.

[DarrenCT]

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."

[Bud_E]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his fly.


The bartender says "Hey, you have a steering wheel in your fly."


The pirate says "Aye, it's drivin me nuts."

[csm]

3 guys die in a car accident on christmas eve. they get to the pearly gates and st peter meets them. he says given the holiday and all, if they can show him one thing that they have with them that is of the christmas spirit, they can enter heaven.
the first guy goes through his pockets and finds a lighter. he flicks it on and says "candles."
St pete lets him in.
the second guy pulls out car keys, jingles them and says "christmas bells."
st pete lets him in too.
the third guy is panicking. he goes through all his pockets and his hand comes out holding a pair of women's panties.
st pete looks puzzled and asks him what that is about.
the guy looks at him and says......
They're carols.

[z. beeblebrox]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: " Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

[Vancouverdave]

Okay........I get a guitarists' magazine. The most recent issue interviewed country/roots guy Steve Earle. Naturally, instruments and travelling are two subjects of any working musician's interview. Earle was talking about a bouzouki he uses on some songs and said "But call it a mandolin if you're taking it through an airport."

[rwsaunders]

Okay........I get a guitarists' magazine. The most recent issue interviewed country/roots guy Steve Earle. Naturally, instruments and travelling are two subjects of any working musician's interview. Earle was talking about a bouzouki he uses on some songs and said "But call it a mandolin if you're taking it through an airport."

.