OT: My sad news.

[Skrawny]

I haven't been posting often lately. (I would not have expected anyone to notice -I don't post that often).

It is not because of any censorship or content issues...
My mother is dying. She is a 62 year old, healthy, non-smoker with metastatic lung cancer. One of the mets is in her hip and she is in a lot of pain. I know too much of what is to come because I am a physician. If we're lucky, she may see one more Christmass. I'm the only one out here with her.

I had plans to start racing my bike this year.
I joined a team and started training (and broke a thumb)
But because of what has been happening with my mom, I have not touched my bike in 5 weeks.

Although, I have not posted, this forum has been my only escape. I cannot ride my bike, but I can vicariously enjoy other's new bikes and satisfy some of my bike cravings by reading here. I learn about bikes here (so THAT'S what a "fastback" is...) and I enjoy the characters, eloquence, and knowledge. This forum means a lot to me.

I'm not sure why I have posted this. Some of my friends don't even know what's going on. I think maybe it is because of the long thread about some of our most vocifeous posters leaving. I think I felt that I had to reiterate how important this place is to me. Maybe I just had to get it off my chest. I don't know.
I lament that some of us may be leaving.

I won't.

-s

PS- Fixed, the irony has not escaped me.

[e-RICHIE]

you take care skrawny-issimo.

we're all the same people, no matter where we
land, and we'll end up together ultimately atmo.

i wish you and yours all good things.

[Kevan]

Our hopes and prayers go out to you and your mom. I can only imagine how scary and upsetting this time is for you both. But I also have to believe the time you two will have together will bring you closer together, even more so than when she would scoop you up in her arms as a toddler and give you a hug and playful kiss.

The bike is there when you need it. Otherwise, it can wait.

[BumbleBeeDave]

I know where you're coming from. My Dad died March 10 and my Mom died this past Thursday morning. I was able to get from Albany to Kansas City Wednesday in time to spend about three hours with her at the nursing home. She has been in hospice for 6 weeks and was on some pretty heavy meds, but I'm sure from her reactions that she knew my sister and I were by her side. I am writing this in a hotel lobby in NW Arkansas, where we are for her funeral tomorrow morning.

Go spend some time with your Mom . . . To h*ll with the bike for a while . . . It will still be there when your Mom isn't . . .

BBD

[rwsaunders]

The disease just plain sucks and your mother is young, which makes it so tough. You're fortunate that you two will have time together, though. It sounds like your calling in a way, you being a physician. We'll be thinking of you both.

[djg]

I'm sorry for your troubles. My dad had lung cancer and there was nothing decent about it. I hope that your mom can get good help from the pain management people where she's being treated and that there's some life in whatever time she has left. I'm sure she's grateful to have you around. Hang in there.

[Louis]

S,

Sorry to hear of your mother's sickness and pain. I hope the meds can help her out a bit.

Sometimes life stinks. May you and she handle this with as much grace as her body will allow.

Louis

[Len J]

My heart goes out to you & yours......we all have been there.

It sure makes it obvious what's important.

be strong man...and know you are not alone.


Len

[slowgoing]

I lost my dad earlier this year and my mom is following close behind. Do what you need for her as as long as necessary. It may seem like a burden from time to time, but you'll have peace of mind for the rest of your life, and that’s priceless. Good luck to the both of you.

[Tailwinds]

Skrawny,

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I watched my grandmother die of lung cancer at 58... so hard to watch, I know. I lost my mom in Jan., too, so I know how tough losing your mom is. There is nothing to compare it to.

Go ahead and ride vicariously through us while you enjoy precious time w/your mom. You're both certainly in my prayers.

[gasman]

Skrawny-


I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. As a physician and a son who lost a Dad to metastatic lung cancer (60+pack-years) I understand where your coming from. The bike will wait, spend time with your Mom, you won't regret it.

[SoCalSteve]

Skrawny,

Our thoughts and prayers go out to you. I too know what its like to lose a parent. Both parents, actually, before I was 40...

If you need anything during this time, do not hesitate to contact me (and I am sure I speak for the rest of the Serotta Fellowship) or anyone on this Forum for a chat, cry, or even just to talk about the virtues of 25 diameter tires over 23's.

Steve

[RABikes2]

Skrawny,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Mom. My Dad, at 82, just had lung cancer surgery 4 weeks ago and will be starting chemo any day now; my folks live five hours away. You are very fortunate to be able to be there, close by, to comfort and share time with your Mom. It sounds like she did a wonderful job raising you; I'd say it's a safe bet she's very, very proud of you. Hold her hand, hug her frequently, kiss her cheek softly, and tell her how much she means to you.

Many blessings to you both dear forum friend...

Ritaann

[Tom Byrnes]

Skrawny,

I am very sorry to hear your sad news. Spend as much time as you can with your mom; you will always treasure that. You and she will be in my prayers.

Tom

[vaxn8r]

I feel for you man. I wouldn't stop exercising though. I had a near catastrophe on the bike once and I literally couldn't get on it for over 6 months. What I did was I ran for those 6 months. It was a love hate thing. I hate to run but it cleared my head like only exercise can.


Maybe we can hook up for a ride one of these forum get togethers.

[Bud_E]

Our only connection is through this forum but my heart goes out to you. You are a devoted son and you are no doubt a great comfort to your Mom. I wish her and you the best.

[huey]

My thoughts go out to you. I lost my father seven years ago, and it is horrible. Always tell them that you love them.

[mikki]

Hello.

Both of my parents have died pretty young and my brother and sister are much older than I so I am nervous when they seem to be going through serious health problems; I understand your grief.

An important lesson I learned is that cancer patients like to be touched; perhaps if they have or are currently undergoing radiation therapy they feel rather burned and do not want their entire body touched, but massaging their head and neck, their hands and feet...from your heart...feels wonderful and those that I have worked with feel the warmth and love as well as the relaxation that that offers.

I second the opinion to not give up on your exercise. Just a 45 min. bike ride with stimulate the wonderful endorphines that will lift your own spirits. This is a time to take care of yourself as well as your mom...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[LH2]

I wish I could say something that hasn't already been said here.

Enjoy any time you can with your Mom, and don't forget to take care of yourself during these stressful days.

Your friends will be here when you need us - just as the bike will be ready when you are.

[m_moses]

That is sad news . . . enjoy the time remaining with your mom. It must be very reassuring for her to have you there.

BBD--my condolences--these last two months must have been tough.

Mick

[Sandy]

I do have some advice for you, based on my personal experience with those who succumbed to cancer (mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law).

The most important concern should be your mother's QUALITY OF LIFE. That should be (to me) paramount in all that you do. Decisions on using or not using chemo, radiation, cancer and pain medications, new and/or different treatments .... should always be from the perspective of what is best for her, what she would want, and what maximizes her quality of life. Try to be sure that those decisions are what is best for her, and not you or other family members or friends or what some doctor in the field might want to do. Often what is best for your mother may not be consistent with what others want for her. Her needs are not other's needs, including doctors, sometimes. Oncologists opt for certain cancer treatments, and surgeons operate. Be sure that whatever they do, it will be to maintain or improve your mother's quality of life. Prolonging life is certainly not always best. Remember that.

As time progresses, try to be sure that whatever is medically suggested will really be beneficial to her and will not simply prolong a life that is of horrendous quality. If additional and increased useage of pain medication means significantly less lucid communication between you and her, but will add to her quality of life, then go in that direction.

Please let me give you a couple of specific examples. My mother, father, and sister all died from pancreatic cancer. We opted not to treat my mother or sister with chemo or radiation as pancreatic cancer is so lethal and so quick we decided that chemo or radiation, with their side effects would simply not improve the underlying medical situation, and would actually lessen the quality of life. Perhaps life would have been extended a little, but who would that have been good for? My sister? My mother? Family? Friends? Doctors? The oncologist really pushed for chemo and radiation, even though my mother told him that she did not want it. Another example- My brother-in-law was in hospice at my home and he received very strong pain medication. We could adjust the amount of pain medication that was administered (by a device) within certain levels. One family member decided to lower what he was receiving at a time at which my brother-in-law seemed very uncomfortable. The lowering of the medication, at the time, was probably being done because the family member wanted to maximize genuine communications for the limited time that was left. That is what the fanily member wanted and needed, but certainly was decreasing the quality of life of my brother-in-law.I increased the amount of pain medicine to the maximum setting, as that is what he needed. What someone else needed simply wasn't critical to me at the time.

My twin brother is a physician. He stayed away from day to day treatment of my mother, father, and sister.

Ride your bike some. You need it, and it will not take away from your mother's treatment. It will help you and actualy improve your ability to handle the stress and make better decisions for your mother.

Quality of life should trump all.


Sandy

[malcolm]

Skrawny, I'm also a physician and went through similar with my mom, metastatic renal cell. She died almost one year ago. It is an unbelieveable feeling to be helpless when one you love is so sick. Spend as much time as you can you will never regret it. If their can be anything positive from this I think it made me more empathetic toward my patients and their families in similar situations. I wish you both the best.

[Elefantino]

Skrawny:

I echo all that's been said. You and your mom are in our prayers. Be strong for her. And for you.

Mike

[Bill Bove]

Skrawny:

I echo all that's been said. You and your mom are in our prayers. Be strong for her. And for you.

Mike
+1

God bless you and your Mom.

[Bruce K]

Skrawny;

Hang in there.

Family is the most important thing.

Being there for your Mom and supporting her in this most difficult time is something you will never regret.

Cancer is the worst, and the long drawn out ones the worst of all.

We are all here for you.

BK

[Climb01742]

We are all here for you.

+1
losing a parent is hard, real hard. you feel alone in a way you never have.
in whatever ways we can, we're here for you.
my only small advice: if there's anything you ever wanted to say to your mom, but couldn't, try now.
peace, pal.

[Ray]

Unfortunately, I'm a veteran at losing parents, so I know some of what you're going through. But mine were both quite old and ready, so it didn't have the same sting. Just spend as much time with her as you can and let her know how loved she is. Nothing makes it easier except time, eventually.

You hang in there too BB Dave.

I'm thinking of both of you guys,

-Ray

[Kevin]

My thoughts are with you.

Kevin

[soulspinner]

She will ultimately be ok- she will want you to take good care of yourself. God bless you.

[William]

I can't say any more then what has already been said. You and your mother are in our prayers.

Get exercise if you can. It will really help.



William

[CNY rider]

Skrawny I am sorry to hear your sad news.

This is a field I might be able to offer some help in. Feel free to shoot me a message any time.

[Len J]

+1
losing a parent is hard, real hard. you feel alone in a way you never have.
in whatever ways we can, we're here for you.
my only small advice: if there's anything you ever wanted to say to your mom, but couldn't, try now.
peace, pal.

I was given the following advice when my Dad was dying. "What do you have to do today, so that 6 months after your Dada is dead....you can honestly say you have no regrets?" Best gift I was given.

I give it to you scrawny.

Len

[BumbleBeeDave]

. . . though I appreciate your thoughts. Dad was in a nursing home with Parkinsons, dementia and all, for two years. The last year he wasn't Dad anymore, just Dad's body sitting there. Mom was in almost constant pain from Stenosis and Lupus for ten years. She is no longer in pain and for that I am thankful--and for the kind people at hospice who helped us during these last weeks.

Keep your chin up, skrawny! Spend time with your mom NOW and like somebody else here said, think of what you can do now while she is still with us to be able to move on knowing you did the best you can. I was able to really sit down with Mom several months ago on her birthday and again a few nights ago and tell her how much I care and to say goodbye. Whatever you do, don't miss taking the chance to do that! It may well be the most important and inspirational memory you can carry forward to remember her when that sad day does eventually come along . . .

BBD

[Jeff Weir]

My thoughts are with you. I am going through a similar situation with a member of my family and it is not an easy road to travel.

All my best wishes to you and your mom

Jeff

[Serotta PETE]

Skrawny,

So sorry to hear about your mother. We on the FORUM are here for you. While we might fight among ourselves = =WE are still one family AND you are part of it.

If anything I can do, and I am sure this is the same for all others, just let us know here or via a private note.... You are a member of the family.!!!

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Len J said it well when he talked about 6 months and his father.


Your friend (among many) PETE

[rsl]

Skrawny,

What difficult news to share. Thoughts and prayers for you and your mom.

Hang in there...

[gt6267a]

From a slightly different vantage point:

I am sorry to hear your mother is not well. While I have not lost a parent yet, my father was on the edge for a few years and it was a rough time. One piece of advice, there is a big difference between handling an emergency and longish term care. In the hospital, one of the older nurses gave me a fantastic piece of advice, “if you loose yourself in taking care of your father, you loose the ability to take care of him. The best thing you can do to take care of your father is take care of yourself.”

That advice probably sounds extremely selfish, but completely sacrificing yourself isn’t what your mother needs. I was young, 25, and made the mistake of sacrificing too much of myself. It was noble, it won the respect of whoever looked in on us, but, in the end, while my father appreciated everything I did, even he said I paid too high a price.

Like all of our energy and time consuming efforts there is a balance to find. To go on living like she is healthy is not right for you, but to completely sacrifice your self is not right either.

Examples that may or may not apply: maybe riding on the team right now is too much, but going for a short bike ride a few times a week is good. Taking months off work might be too much, but cutting back on hours or working a more flexible schedule could be good. There is a great burden in caring for loved ones, taking a trip to China or hiking the AT for five months as an escape might be too much, but to visit a friend for a weekend to recharge is a good thing.

I’ve overstepped the bounds of what I should say and what I’ve written probably comes across as extreme selfishness, so I will stop now. Longish term care is serious emotionally. Christmas is 7 months away. That is enough time to get lost which is not good for you or your mother. Please take care of yourself.

[BumbleBeeDave]

. . . "overstepped the bounds" at all! It's very good advice!

BBD

[Ginger]

From a slightly different vantage point:

One piece of advice, there is a big difference between handling an emergency and longish term care. In the hospital, one of the older nurses gave me a fantastic piece of advice, “if you loose yourself in taking care of your father, you loose the ability to take care of him. The best thing you can do to take care of your father is take care of yourself.”

Skrawny,
Focussing totally on your mom and removing yourself from something you love seems to be the right thing to do, but gt is right here...make sure you don't loose yourself caring for your mother.
Exercise and interaction with teammates (even if you just go and help at a race or two) and other activities you "used to do" will keep you in touch with your life so when the time comes, you will still be in contact with your friends and will have more access to a local support network of friends to help you along with your loss.

Strength to you, your mom, and your family,
Mary Ann

[Smiley]

We pray for you and your mom Skrawny. I wish a miracle can happen for her and I will pray for one. Smiley

[inGobwetrust]

I'm sorry to hear you sad news...... You and your mom will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[72gmc]

Stay strong, Skrawny. It sounds like you are, and your mother is lucky to have you.

[Too Tall]

A WHOLE bunch of people dig your vibe Scrawny. Keep in touch. Your mom is the lucky one to have you.

PS - Take GOOD care of yourself!!! Your mom wants that I'm sure and it gives you healthy positive energy to deal.

Peace, TT.

[dgauthier]

Argh. Sorry to hear about your horrible news. I lost my mother to leukemia 10 years ago. It was only about 30 days from diagnosis to the end.

Make the most of the time you have left with your mom.

[RABikes2]

. . . "overstepped the bounds" at all! It's very good advice!

BBD
+1
That was good advice gt.
RA

[fiamme red]

I'm sorry to hear the news, Skrawny. Fortunately, you'll be near her during this difficult time.

I wouldn't put my bike into storage, though. A few weeks ago I received the shocking news that a good friend of mine had committed suicide. It troubled me so much all day that I needed to clear my mind before going to sleep. I went out for a 40-mile ride, and when I returned home I felt much calmer and saner. I feel that riding a bicycle restores equilibrium to my brain.

[bcm119]

My thoughts go out to you Scrawny. I agree- force yourself to get on the bike or do some sort of exercise, you won't regret it... and your mom will benefit from seeing a healthier, stronger, more radiant son in her last days.

[chuckred]

Not much to add that others have said...

thinking of you...

[Serotta_James]

Hey buddy,
Really sorry to hear that. Your mother is a classy lady and she raised a classy son. Like you I am close to my mother and my heart goes out to you.

Be well and ride the bike at least a little!!!

[zeroking17]

I'm sorry to hear this news. I echo the kind, supportive thoughts that all people in this thread are expressing.

In your profession you likely deal with death more than most of us do. But that does not make death any easier to deal with when your own mother is facing it.

I empathize with your situation: my mother died, from lung cancer, at age 62.
I'm thankful that I participated as much in my mother's dying as I did in her living. When you're there for her now, you're there for her forever.

[Skrawny]

Thanks to everyone for the kind words of support.
When I first started to log on today I was a little embarrassed about posting that post; I had been on call, without much sleep, and was a bit raw when I wrote it.

However, after I read all your posts and IMs (several times), I feel a little less wrung out and alone.

Thanks. You guys are great.

-s

[gwk]

Skrawny, I haven't been on the Serotta forum for a couple of years. Something made me log on today. The first thing that I found was your thread. I'm so very sorry that you and your Mom have to go through the lung cancer thing. My Mom died two years ago on June 10 from the same disease. We were (and still are with great memories) very close. It was so hard watching her get progressively sick in the six months from the day that she was diagnosed until the day that she died. My Mom handeled the whole experience so graciously. From my viewpoint, watching her die was the hardest thing I have gone through in my entire life. Having testicular cancer myself twelve years ago pales compared to what Mom went through.

There is some really great advice in the threads above. I really think that it is good that you can be with your Mom as much as you can. It is so nice that you want to be with her. But I also think that you need to take care of yourself. I kept running while my Mom was dying. I'd come back from a run and Mom would ask how far I went. I'd say 10 miles or whatever the distance was and she would say "WOW!". She would always be so amazed. While I was running I would think about the fact that I was healthy and able to run. Then I would wonder why it was that my Mom was at home dying from lung cancer. It seemed so unfair. After Mom died, I quit running or biking or anything for almost a year. Looking back, it was the wrong thing to do. Keep biking as much as you can. It will be good for you and your Mom too. My thoughts and prayers are with you. George

[Lifelover]

Sorry to hear your bad news. It probably won't really help you but I promise to take an extra ride this week and to spend some time with my folks while I can.

I often take having my folks very close to us and fairly healthy for granted. If nothing else your post will help remind me to remedy that.


Thank You for sharing.

Greg

[chakatrain]

Dude,

I've been through something similiar a number of years back; it was hard for me, so I can imagine what you might be going through. Lots of good words from people above, so I'll add only this:

on the SF bike ride the day before the TdC this year, I was dropped by the group climbing Alpine Dam. I felt pretty out of shape and disappointed. You (and another guy) caught up to me at Pantoll and really brought up my spirits, riding together the whole way back to SF.

I wish that the great community of this forum, and those around you in your life, will bring you that same lift you brought me.

[tbushnel]

I sure wish things could be different. Prayers to you and your mom.
Ted.

PS: What Steve said... anything you need... say the word. :)

[Marco]

there is a tomorrow no matter how dark this all may seem.

I too went through this with a sibling for 21 months and this Forum (and the good folk who really are this-forum) was often the only "escape" that I could find at midnight after long days in hospitals. The support here is genuine (for me Fly, Too-Too-Tall, and PBWrench did the heavy lifting).

Don't worry about the riding: you'll have your tomorrow and your season and you'll come back stronger from all of this.

Peace

[weaponsgrade]

skrawny,
sorry to hear the bad news. i was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago, underwent an emergency operation and then chemo. i know it can be real tough. anyway, don't give up on the bike. forcing myself out on short rides inbetween treatments was the only way i kept sane.

[jeffg]

You take care of your mom and yourself.

We just moved back to the states since my mom's breast cancer has come back after almost ten years. After going through my dad's leukemia as a teen and round one with my mom roughly ten years later, I know what to expect even if I am not a doctor, though I hold out hope my mom still has some years left.

I can only echo your feeling that the forum has been a good place and a comfort even as biking has become less of a part of my daily life.

I hope you can draw strength from all the folks here who are thinking of you and your mom.

Been thinking about a Herbert Groenemeyer song lately:

"You filled the room with sunshine
turned every annoyance around
nobel, your gentle kindness
your unbending pride
life is not fair"

[Kahuna]

Skrawny pal, you and your mom have my sympathy and prayers. Your mom sounds like a great lady and she's lucky to have someone like you there with her.

So many people have posted such wonderful advice there's nothing more I can say except that I've learned from it as well.

[darylb]

I would like to offer prayers and the best of wishes. I dont think you should feel embarrassed at all. It was hard not to notice how many people who responded to this thread have gone through or are going through the same thing. I happen to be going through it as well. My Dad is dealing with lung cancer as well and this weekend has been pretty rough. I am at work this morning but it is the first time I have left his house since Saturday.

When I read this post yesterday, Dad was sleeping after a pretty rough morning so I was a bit frazzled. Your post is what I wanted to write. So your post helped you get some things off your chest but also helped at least one other person through a tough day.

I realize you dont know me from Adam but if you ever need to blow off some steam, drop me a message. I am a good listener. Keep your head up, we are all pulling for you.

[Ginger]

You know...this whole thread has taken me back to when my mom was ill. (She was battling lung cancer and was winning, but she caught pneumonia...passed away at 64.) And my current situation with my dad. Sometimes, their world becomes so small that small stories of life continuing are welcome gifts.

My mom had turned into a cyclist in her later years, so when we were together we'd talk about my rides, where I went, what I saw, headwinds and potholes.
Dad is much the same although it's congestive heart failure with him, and he's not a cyclist. My sister and his wife are doing the heavy lifting...and my chats with dad are different than what I chatted about with mom, but he still looks forward to tidbits of life outside the small world he's currently living in.

My thought was...ride your bike, share your stories...it will give both of you some room to ignore the 800lb gorilla in the room. And that is always good.

[Skrawny]

I just had a long thankfull note deleted when it ran into the firewall here at work.

The short of it is that I have to go to a private room everytime I read this thread because of tears.

I realize now that we have all either gone through something similar, or will in time.

I want to send sympathy back to all who are in the same boat. I tried to list you all in my previous post, but suffice it to say I am with you.

Thanks again to this weird -occasionally fractious- wonderful, community.

-s

PS- I'll ride with you anytime, Chakatrain.

[BumbleBeeDave]

I went out for a 40-mile ride, and when I returned home I felt much calmer and saner. I feel that riding a bicycle restores equilibrium to my brain.

This is SO true. Being able to go out and clear my mind during a good ride has helped me through so many troubled times in the past 20 years. The troubles are still there when I'm finished riding, but somehow they seem so much more manageable and insignificant when I can tell myself I've been able to have some time out and do something positive for myself in the face of difficulties of other kinds.

Don't stop riding! It's a lifesaver when you are down or troubled!

BBD

[davyt]

Skrawny,

If you find yourself in need of a respite and in the Aptos area, let me know and we can go for a ride (you'll have to wait for me at the tops of the hills, though). Afterwards, we can hit the pub and hoist a couple for your mom. I'll buy.

In the meantime, know that a lot of people are thinking about you and your family. Very best wishes to all!
--
Davy

[39cross]

Skrawny, I'd like to offer my sympathy and hopeful wishes as well. My step Dad died of cancer a few years ago, and it was the toughest thing I have ever witnessed. It is an experience many have had, but nothing really prepares you for it, I think. Enjoy your time with her, but enjoy the bike as well. When the going gets tough you will always have a kind word here.