Air Traffic Humor

[saab2000]

So today I am flying down the Potomac on the "River Visual" to Reagan National and ATC says, "Caution, vultures reported over Georgetown, cleared to land runway 19".


I thought it was sort of cool! :beer:

Those from Washington or those who know the River Visual into DCA might think it is funny.

Those connected to Georgetown might not.

[mike p]

Someone sent these to me, pretty funny. Saab you've probably heard em all before.

Mike




Airline Cabin Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:



1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and

Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that so someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you

can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
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[zank]

I used to love flying Sothwest just for the humor. The past 3 or 4 flights with them have been a little more standard. Seems they toned down the funny stuff. Cutting costs, I guess.

[dave thompson]

I flew Southwest, for the first time, when I went to the NABHS show in San Jose. There was a fair amount of humor from the flight attendants and the flight deck. I think my favorite (as a former airplane salesman) was when the aircraft was thumped down rather firmly on landing. Silence for about 10 seconds then the announcement: "We're here!"

[saab2000]

I've always wanted to announce to the passengers that once again we have cheated death and made it to (name your city....) but have thusfar resisted that temptation.

I have also never mentioned to them that I have seen the Grim Reaper standing near the runway when we are landing....... :D

Anyway, back to reality and my glamourous layover and lifestyle in world renowned Columbia, SC.

I go to Switzerland next week to talk beeswax with SWISS....... Hmmm... :rolleyes:

[JohnS]

several months ago, my wife was flying NWA when the flight crew made the following lading announcement. "We know you have your choice of bankrupt airlines and we want to thank you for choosing OUR bankrupt airline".

[Bruce K]

Yesterday, my son was making his last flight before he begins his solo next week. He was in the pattern over Beverly, MA Airport practicing touch-and-gos when the following conversation occurred between a pilot departing Beverly for Fisher Island, NY.

After the read-back of his flight plan to New York, the ATC asked him what his altitude to Fisher Island would be. The pilot replied about 30 feet. There was a slight pause and the ATC came back on and said, "Sir, not the altitude OF Fisher Island, your altitude TO Fisher Island."

At which point the pilot responded: "Oh, about 4500 feet."

Everybody keep your heads down! :crap:

BK

[Fat Robert]

Anyway, back to reality and my glamourous layover and lifestyle in world renowned Columbia, SC.

:


go ride the loop that takes in the Mt. Elon Church hill twice

ouch

(cola does suck...but after 7 years there, I have a few good memories)

[rwsaunders]

SAAB: We just got back to the hotel from an evening tour of the monuments here in DC and the kids really got a kick out of watching the aircraft making those wild approach turns into DCA. Reportedly the vultures on "The Hill" are on Spring Break too.

[William]

Tommy and Richard sneak on board disguised as flight attendants...



Ok, folks, the guy in
front of you is Tommy.
He'll be taking you through
my little spiel here.

Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking,
and he's never been laid.

Exits! Ok, there's one back here,
and there's probably one
over by the wing, somewhere, usually.

And what about seat belts?
To fasten, take the little end
and stick it in the big end.....
You know what, if you guys
don't know how to use a seat belt,
just ring the call button and Tommy will
come back there and hit you on the head
with a tack hammer
cause you are a retard.


Ok, and life preservers.
These we may need.
Although what are the odds
of us actually hitting a lake?
My money says if anything,
it's gonna be a mountain.

To inflate, put it around your
neck and yank down on the tab.

Son of a!
I can't breathe!
Chocking!

He's a big dumb animal,
isn't he folks?