BumbleBeeDave
02-20-2007, 11:14 AM
Apparently, an ongoing investigation behind the scenes has revealed the real reasons behind the crash yesterday in the finishing circuit of the Tour of California.
Apparently, though, these revelations are being concealed behind one of the biggest conspiracies and cover-ups in the history of modern cycling. It's hard to believe, but apparently all the major cycling publications, not to mention TV networks and newspapers, have all colluded to try to hide the true nature of the crash and the true identities of the person who caused this near race-ending mishap to occur in the interest of preserving the profits from presenting the race.
Almost unbvelieveably, it apparently all began earlier this week, when another cyclist was run over by an errant M1 Abrams tank halfway across the country in the Washington, DC area! My hidden source, Kevan "Scooter Bike" Libby, has revealed to me that the injured cyclist apparently had a canister of pepper spray in his jersey pocket that flew out when he was hit, then in a million-to-one shot, bounced right into the drivers hatch of the tank and exploded!
The tank driver, blinded by the blast and incapacitated by the pepper spray, veered off the parade route he was on and began careening cross-country. After several days, he ended up all the way out in California, and as his vision began to return, he saw a vague, multicolored, shifting blur in front of him that he mistook for the fluttering regimental banner on the lead parade vehicle. So he began following as best he could, trying to act nonchalant, as he didn't want to get in trouble with his commander in the turret above. What he didn't know was that the commander had bailed out just west of St. Louis to use the bathroom at a UTotem store, leaving the rest of the crew frantically trying to call the driver on their intercom to tell him to stop. But the blast had knocked the driver's headset off, so he never heard them.
The driver continued following what he thought was the lead vehicle, but which was, in reality, the shifting colors of the jerseys of the Tour of California Peloton!
It didn't take the riders long to realize the tank was behind them, and since the Abrams has a top speed of 45mph, they also realized they better speed up to avoid getting flattened. But unfortunately, as they rounded the finishing circuit the effort just got to be too much. One rider hit one of the Botts Dots and down they all went.
That might have been it, with multiple deaths. But fortunately, just at this instant the driver's vision had improved enough that he could vaguely make out the sign on a nearby Carl's Jr. hamburger resturant, and not having eaten for almost four days, he immediately veered toward that, destroying two Hyundai's and seriously injuring their drivers as he maneuvered in the drive-thru lane.
But unfortunately, the cycling and business establishment in the area has successfully covered up this heinous event--until now! The only person who would not cooperate was rider Dave Zabriskie, who had been taken to hospital earlier in the race after crashing while trying to moon the tank driver. But since Zabriskie had sustained a concussion in the crash, noone at the hospital believed him as he tried to tell them, "But dude, there was an ARMY TANK chasing me!"
So now you know the entire, fantastic but reprehensible story. Fortunately, though, a staff photographer from Elefantino's paper in Jacksonville was covering the race, and he was able to get copies of the digital files to me before the photo editor retouched them all in Photoshop.
So here they are . . . to prove to you that I am not dreaming this all up!
BBD
Apparently, though, these revelations are being concealed behind one of the biggest conspiracies and cover-ups in the history of modern cycling. It's hard to believe, but apparently all the major cycling publications, not to mention TV networks and newspapers, have all colluded to try to hide the true nature of the crash and the true identities of the person who caused this near race-ending mishap to occur in the interest of preserving the profits from presenting the race.
Almost unbvelieveably, it apparently all began earlier this week, when another cyclist was run over by an errant M1 Abrams tank halfway across the country in the Washington, DC area! My hidden source, Kevan "Scooter Bike" Libby, has revealed to me that the injured cyclist apparently had a canister of pepper spray in his jersey pocket that flew out when he was hit, then in a million-to-one shot, bounced right into the drivers hatch of the tank and exploded!
The tank driver, blinded by the blast and incapacitated by the pepper spray, veered off the parade route he was on and began careening cross-country. After several days, he ended up all the way out in California, and as his vision began to return, he saw a vague, multicolored, shifting blur in front of him that he mistook for the fluttering regimental banner on the lead parade vehicle. So he began following as best he could, trying to act nonchalant, as he didn't want to get in trouble with his commander in the turret above. What he didn't know was that the commander had bailed out just west of St. Louis to use the bathroom at a UTotem store, leaving the rest of the crew frantically trying to call the driver on their intercom to tell him to stop. But the blast had knocked the driver's headset off, so he never heard them.
The driver continued following what he thought was the lead vehicle, but which was, in reality, the shifting colors of the jerseys of the Tour of California Peloton!
It didn't take the riders long to realize the tank was behind them, and since the Abrams has a top speed of 45mph, they also realized they better speed up to avoid getting flattened. But unfortunately, as they rounded the finishing circuit the effort just got to be too much. One rider hit one of the Botts Dots and down they all went.
That might have been it, with multiple deaths. But fortunately, just at this instant the driver's vision had improved enough that he could vaguely make out the sign on a nearby Carl's Jr. hamburger resturant, and not having eaten for almost four days, he immediately veered toward that, destroying two Hyundai's and seriously injuring their drivers as he maneuvered in the drive-thru lane.
But unfortunately, the cycling and business establishment in the area has successfully covered up this heinous event--until now! The only person who would not cooperate was rider Dave Zabriskie, who had been taken to hospital earlier in the race after crashing while trying to moon the tank driver. But since Zabriskie had sustained a concussion in the crash, noone at the hospital believed him as he tried to tell them, "But dude, there was an ARMY TANK chasing me!"
So now you know the entire, fantastic but reprehensible story. Fortunately, though, a staff photographer from Elefantino's paper in Jacksonville was covering the race, and he was able to get copies of the digital files to me before the photo editor retouched them all in Photoshop.
So here they are . . . to prove to you that I am not dreaming this all up!
BBD