OT- having kids older in life

[cuwinbs]

This forum always is full of great info so I thought I'd ask. I'm a 50yr old single dad with a 15 and 11 year old girls. My fiancé is 33 and doesn't have kids, but would like to have one. She's totally fine if we don't have any kids and loves mine as her own. Recently my girls are saying they would love another sibling and it has me thinking about it. Has anyone had kids in there 50's and could list there experience's. Thanks for any info in advance.

[hokoman]

My wife and I were a little older when we had kids - my universal response to the kid question, if you can - do it, especially since your girls are old enough to help!

[ORMojo]

I could write all day about this, and it would all be positive. Do it!

My four children are spread over 25 years, current ages are 30 (just married herself), 27 (deceased), 10, and 5. My second wife & I share the same 17-year age difference as you and your finance. The two younger kids were born when I was I was 50 and 55.

With no disrespect or other negative connotations at all towards the older ones, I have always said that having, and parenting, the two younger ones has been easier for me than the first two (and virtually none of that is due to any differences between the kids themselves - they have all been wonderful!). I know what to do as a parent this time around, I have - and make - more time for the kids, I am more patient in all respects of my life . . . it is just easier.

And they are keeping me young! It is wonderful seeing the world again through their eyes. And getting my exercise with their play. I can't tell you how many hours we spent this summer in the backyard on the ninja course I built, or in the swimming pool, or, especially, on the trampoline. (And, yes, on our bikes.) And not just in active play - I especially treasure one summer evening a couple of weeks ago when the 5-year-old and I lay on the trampoline for well over an hour while the sun set, just talking while we watched the clouds and colors change, the stars come out, etc. Or this past Spring when I took my then 9-year-old daughter to an Ariana Grande concert (just the two of us) - I actually enjoyed the show, but I enjoyed the experience with her most of all, and I'll never forget when, about halfway through the show, she turned to me and said "daddy, I'll remember this for the rest of my life."

I have more experience and knowledge to give them, and enjoy doing so. And I spent more than 300 hours volunteering in the 4th grade class last year, and will split my time this year between 5th grade and Kindergarten.

I'll stop now :)
Do it!

[David Tollefson]

I have one daughter that just started in college, and one that starts kindergarten tomorrow. Not the same mom, though. Like you, when we met and later married, my wife wasn't really interested in having children of her own -- I was fine either way. My older daughter lived with us part time. Well, after a few years, the biological clock ticked loud enough that she couldn't ignore it, so we went ahead. My younger daughter was born a month before I turned 50. And the two girls couldn't be more different. But they're both dear to me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[d_douglas]

Kids are amazing.

I had my kids at 40 and 42 years of age and my wife is right behind me. I turn 50 in a week. I am so wiped out from chasing my monkeys that I cannot imagine having another in my lifetime, but if you have the support of your wife and your daughters, then go for it.

Ours have certainly changed our lives for the better.

[seanile]

I wouldn’t take it too lightly that in short time your two children would be off in college and not able to help out, and they won’t likely be of the disposition to be a close friend/playmate while theyre in high school. That kid’s attention will be served by you and your wife. You know of the energy that demands
Also consider that cars and amusement park rides best fit groups in 4s rather than 5s;)

[zero85ZEN]

Had my daughter when I was 40 and my wife was 41. (5th child for her, 1st and only for me.) She (daughter) didn’t regularly sleep through the night until almost 3 (no, I am not exaggerating)! Sleep deprivation was brutal especially at the ages we were. She’s 10 now and though still a pistol in many many ways, definitely the best thing to ever happen to me. I think being older has helped both of us to be more patient and intentional parents. Especially now that we get regular full nights of sleep!

Man, now that i’m 50, even if I had a younger wife, I’d think a long time before proceeding. But if you really love your wife...I think the answer is a foregone conclusion, eh? ;)

[Hellgate]

I'm 54.95 and have a 19YO in college, and a 6YO first grader. They are both awesome! But I'll will work until I'm 70! https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190909/279483b55f9191da941c6bf21acb5d3c.jpg

[el cheapo]

I have two male cousins who just learned they are the parent of women in their thirties from DNA tests. The women contacted my aunts and traced them to their sons. One women claims her mother couldn't remember the last name of the guy she went home with. The other was from his divorced wife who never told him he had a daughter.

[19wisconsin64]

Well, without a doubt lots of good honest feedback on this thread.

People have lots of reasons for having children later in life. Cycling gives us a little extra strength.

Let see, I'm 55, just had my second. My first is 2 and a half. Yesterday, did a very fast 50 miles, and coming back felt like I could faint. Yet somehow the fast 50 miles was much easier than chasing my two children around.

If you have lots a lots of support, and the financial means, and go into it with both eyes wide open (you'll be called grandpa, you'll be older than grandpa when they finish high school, you'll be one of the oldest parents in the room) then go ahead.

I'm self-employed, so can help out, but wowzers, kids at 50 is not kids at 30. Living in NYC we are leered at less than we would be living where the family age is younger.

Talk to good friends who know you well, that's who gave me the best advice. Enjoy your family, however large you choose to make it!

[redir]

I can't imagine being 65 and having a 15 year old.

[weisan]

Anything is possible.

Life is full of possibilities if we allow it.

Planned parenthood is a nice concept but you still need to leave room for creative exploration and human contingency.

I don't need to argue my case. Anyone who thinks otherwise haven't really learn everything they need to learn about life yet. Just wait and see.

Be courageous. Follow your heart.

Don't miss out on something precious or priceless just because you want to stick to the script.

Keep an open mind.

Life is not a zero sum game.

[Lewis Moon]

I'm 62 and have a child in her sophomore year in college. Having a child later in life is wonderful, but you will need to keep a much better eye on finances. Her graduation functionally coincides with our retirement, and with college costs as prohibitively expensive as they are today, it's a bit of a squeaker to get by...especially when we should be getting ready to retire.
Both my wife and I thought we would be DINKs...she was told she couldn't have kids, and neither of us made enough money to sock gobs away, so we are both looking at delaying retirement for awhile.
Our daughter is brilliant and has a great work/study ethic, so the vast majority of her college expenses are covered by scholarships, but with all the extra fees, and the fees for charging fees, and the fees for breathing air in the science building...it's still a bite. We desperately want her to graduate as close to debt free as possible....it's going to be hard to make payments from a habitat on Mars.
So...this is really just a long winded way of saying: think ahead. Look at where you will be when your child reaches crucial stages. I wouldn't trade talking science and music with my daughter for the world. Hauling ourselves up into the parents nosebleed section of Sundevil Stadium so we can see her march, seeing her mature into an adult who is ten times more together than I was at that age is priceless. I just wish we had been better at the money thing.
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/qS0exT2RZwydmJghSvVhbLC8D6edw3AeooKN67-ZMbOL1LAgH-ii21Ay8jLx-zuCo9z7nqo0uJ3xBwD-TTZ2vzUZI2yxViFPiA1SacluHtV8FALAfP7AF5SCl44uk6fbdJ Ce6hgNv_QPuFFRZRriH-8oB5gif5myJ4CumMJR-uSwGRvYa09Fqy-V2PJCYnTkCSSKSsApL0MmTnmHvz8au1A_0FMMaMLuUpaJkXRex ADzqgUwA3tNodm0GGbbOWRbt1s_1c80yFsldAMjPJA012rSSxL 1KIV6gJxatDI6dqSdx026-YO4-ONlRRzME_wXnvpcfzLIZe6-xl32qZXnrPuAIjZgCBF4HbJxnVGEyH0x7u8puftOeIRELTgqQ4 GL8IGxkFKXefSA2NnUpGDrXH7p8eDFVWz4SbcRfxb9cqp8mFY4 Cg9niv11Y9L2hRY7kl7y_4aTIwgk7rAa0GCUl_mu9Hex2U8_-9RS0CDoQzo4FEvj_2RUYm2jfLX3leQoe8JBaHCnM8DT7EXcbJE kcF_TITnAIEr5djBirbxa-Lkzkjn9my-l5vHCTY6htTtMpYKS0qlGP3c3nOXzYW8Og1hu7J7_hTUnkT2Ix Ycua8g01lzHLXyoUW0lX_Iusd90-iJ24pCWhZS0CSSoJABF_H_8XMORBj00U0MNPWXBNEbrnP2_vqV Ppzc=w732-h975-no

[XXtwindad]

Well, without a doubt lots of good honest feedback on this thread.

People have lots of reasons for having children later in life. Cycling gives us a little extra strength.

Let see, I'm 55, just had my second. My first is 2 and a half. Yesterday, did a very fast 50 miles, and coming back felt like I could faint. Yet somehow the fast 50 miles was much easier than chasing my two children around. Tell me about it...

If you have lots a lots of support, and the financial means, and go into it with both eyes wide open (you'll be called grandpa, you'll be older than grandpa when they finish high school, you'll be one of the oldest parents in the room) then go ahead.

I'm self-employed, so can help out, but wowzers, kids at 50 is not kids at 30. Living in NYC we are leered at less than we would be living where the family age is younger.

Talk to good friends who know you well, that's who gave me the best advice. Enjoy your family, however large you choose to make it!

I was 47 when I had my twin girls. It's a cliché, but it's the best thing I ever did. And I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for my partner, who I knew would be a great Mom. To everything else, I'll add this: make sure you have a strong friendship. You're going to need it …

[Matthew]

ORMOJO almost had me convinced to reverse my vasectomy! Almost.

[El Chaba]

I'm 58 and my daughter is 9. My wife is 10 years younger than me, but infinitely more mature. To a greater or lesser degree, there is an element of my daughter growing up as if raised by grandparents....At school functions, etc. we are consistently referred to as the grandparents. Presumably everybody on this forum lives a healthy, active lifestyle. I think this is especially important for older parents...not just for the obvious benefits but to show by example to your kid(s) that her parents are healthy and strong.

[Climb01742]

One daughter just graduated from college, one just entered second grade. The most important emotional questions are, I think, best answered by you, but here is one practical aspect. I'm self-employed now, working from home with a very flexible schedule. My wife works very hard at a demanding job. I did, too, when my first daughter was young (with my first wife.) Today, if both my second wife and I had brutal, time-sucking jobs, I don't know how well we'd parent. My work situation facilitates so much, and relives me of much stress. If I had my old job today, I think I'd be a puddle on the floor. So maybe think about your combined work situations and how a baby would fit into the picture. Good luck whichever way you go. It most definitely can work but I think it's harder later, often just from a time and energy bandwidth perspective.

[benb]

We had our son when I was 35, so same age as OPs had his oldest. My wife is 2 years younger.

I can't really imagine having another one at 50 unless there was something going on like Mom doesn't work and is shouldering most of the burden.

We split a lot of the work because my wife and I both work and it's really close to 50/50 on the household income.

All that sleep deprivation did not do good things for my health at 35... I was definitely wishing we'd met earlier and had him at 25.

But I have another co-worker similar age, he pretty much never had to get up in the middle of the night and had a different experience. Is that wrong or right? No comment, I just know that sleep deprivation & hard work would be a lot harder at 50.

Around here I don't think it'd be weird and I don't think you'd get called grandpa though. Where I live a lot of successful people have kids when they are older, it's so commonplace I highly doubt you'd get that reaction. I hate to say it but usually when you see someone a lot younger you immediately think they come from a really different background, didn't go to college, expect they might have had the kid in high school or before getting married, etc.. there are not that many people like that.

[cash05458]

Your call of course and it has to be worked out with the wife to keep her happy...or both of you...but having a 15 and 11 year old already at 50 means you're right in the spot of dealing with lots of stuff anyhow...lots of growing to do for both of those and lots of costs and drama...maybe better to wait and just be a granddad at some point maybe in the next decade or so and enjoy that...depends on what you want your future to be I suppose and what you dig...take it with a grain of salt as I have no kids and enjoy it thoroughly at 55...

[m4rk540]

There is emerging research about the risks of advanced paternal age and the age of the father being much more important than believed. I'm not a neurotic person but as I approach my thirties with the knowledge that I won't be in a position to start a family into my 40s, that along with climate change, gives me pause. Anecdotally, at least in my neighborhood, the children of men 50 plus seem to have more early life complications like low birth weight, NICU stays and spectrum disorders.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/25/well/family/the-risks-to-babies-of-older-fathers.html

[Lewis Moon]

There is emerging research about the risks of advanced paternal age and the age of the father being much more important than believed. I'm not a neurotic person but as I approach my thirties with the knowledge that I won't be in a position to start a family into my 40s, that along with climate change, gives me pause. Anecdotally, at least in my neighborhood, the children of men 50 plus seem to have more early life complications like low birth weight, NICU stays and spectrum disorders.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/25/well/family/the-risks-to-babies-of-older-fathers.html

Yes. Part of the decision process really needs to be concerned with what we are leaving our children to deal with.

[benb]

Yah the paternal aging thing has bothered me.

My son had hydro-nephrosis in one of his kidneys.. I always wondered if me being 35 increased the chances of that. That is the most common birth defect, and he is fine though, but it does impact what choices will be available to him in terms of sports & career. Sports doesn't matter a whole lot because it's mostly sports we wouldn't have encouraged anyway, but his birth defect will disqualify him from police/fire/military careers as well.

It was kind of a moot point though, I didn't meet my wife till I was 29, there was no way we could have had a child earlier. And people used to have a lot more kids, so the later kids were conceived when both parents were older anyway.

Also if age means needing help from the doctors you will get tested out the wazoo.. so they'd pick up on some stuff anyway.

[XXtwindad]

I'm 58 and my daughter is 9. My wife is 10 years younger than me, but infinitely more mature. To a greater or lesser degree, there is an element of my daughter growing up as if raised by grandparents....At school functions, etc. we are consistently referred to as the grandparents. Presumably everybody on this forum lives a healthy, active lifestyle. I think this is especially important for older parents...not just for the obvious benefits but to show by example to your kid(s) that her parents are healthy and strong.

Use it or lose it! "Sexy Grandparents Club" unite!:banana:

[Blue Jays]

"...Yes. Part of the decision process really needs to be concerned with what we are leaving our children to deal with..."
People having children now must consider what kind of planet their children will leave behind for Keith Richards to inherit.

[XXtwindad]

There is emerging research about the risks of advanced paternal age and the age of the father being much more important than believed. I'm not a neurotic person but as I approach my thirties with the knowledge that I won't be in a position to start a family into my 40s, that along with climate change, gives me pause. Anecdotally, at least in my neighborhood, the children of men 50 plus seem to have more early life complications like low birth weight, NICU stays and spectrum disorders.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/25/well/family/the-risks-to-babies-of-older-fathers.html

Some of the recent studies seem to indicate that. More interesting to me, however; are the trade-offs of being an older parent. On one hand, I was much too shallow and interested in playing the field to be a younger parent. It never would've worked. On the other hand, as people have noted, parented requires an inordinate amount of energy - physically, mentally, and emotionally. Nothing really prepares you for it.

I'll add this: I think there's a lot of (often subtle) societal prejudice directed toward people/couples that opt not to have kids.

[XXtwindad]

People having children now must consider what kind of planet their children will leave behind for Keith Richards to inherit.

Can't top that... :)

[bigbill]

I was 34 when my one and only child was born. He'll be 20 next month. I have a great friend who's 19 years younger but I'm hesitant to push the relationship further because I know she wants kids and the only high school graduation I want to attend in my 70's is that of a grandchild.

[mhespenheide]

Well, I'm about to have my first child. I'm 46 and my wife is 35. When we got together 12 years ago, we were both convinced we didn't want kids. That changed gradually, and now here we are.

So I don't really have any answers, but I'll let you know in a few years...

[cash05458]

Pretty much it should come down to not what you want...or even the wife...the main point should be what can you do for this potential new human and just what is the motivation? Is this just a deal to make yourselves as a couple feel more like a couple? She is much younger than you...that's a fact...lots of folks want to have kids for many different reasons...a lot of them are wrong, and many correct...just make sure they are about the new life and therein and things should be good...otherwise, give it a rest...beyond that, your 11 and 15 year old girls really don't have a say in this about how great it would be to have a sibling I would think...

[XXtwindad]

Well, I'm about to have my first child. I'm 46 and my wife is 35. When we got together 12 years ago, we were both convinced we didn't want kids. That changed gradually, and now here we are.

So I don't really have any answers, but I'll let you know in a few years...

Congrats, man!!! Welcome to the "Late-in-Life Fatherhood Club." Your "bengay" cycling jersey is in the mail...

[m4rk540]

My mom was 36 when I was born but at her first prenatal appointment she was still 35. In those days, 35 was considered advanced maternal age and I believe the unkind term was elderly pregnancy. At least that's how her dr referred to it.

[mhespenheide]

My mom was 36 when I was born but at her first prenatal appointment she was still 35. In those days, 35 was considered advanced maternal age and I believe the unkind term was elderly pregnancy. At least that's how her dr referred to it.

The term for a while was "geriatric pregnancy", and has now switched to "advanced maternal age".


Because 35 year olds love to be referred to as "geriatric".

[mhespenheide]

Congrats, man!!! Welcome to the "Late-in-Life Fatherhood Club." Your "bengay" cycling jersey is in the mail...

Here's hoping that my general fitness and work as a high school teacher have kept me as young as possible. I know I feel a lot younger, mentally and physically, than I remember of my dad when he was in his mid-forties.




:help:

[El Chaba]

Here's hoping that my general fitness and work as a high school teacher have kept me as young as possible. I know I feel a lot younger, mentally and physically, than I remember of my dad when he was in his mid-forties.




:help:

That's important....and as I mentioned in my earlier post, I think it's important for your child to see you in that light as well. I have an uncle who was born when my grandmother was 44 and grandfather was 50...That was in 1950, and was considered to be exceptionally problematic back then. I'm sure it was quite the surprise. My grandfather died when my uncle was 15. He was affected by his sickness and death and I know was quite worried about my grandmother passing and leaving him alone...I think he had a bit of a mortality complex of some sort.

[m4rk540]

The term for a while was "geriatric pregnancy", and has now switched to "advanced maternal age".


Because 35 year olds love to be referred to as "geriatric".

Yes, geriatric pregnancy! I wanted an excuse to call mom so I didn't Google.

[nalax]

I was 50 when my daughter was born and now she is starting her 3rd year in college. So that makes me 70, still working more than full time and paying tuition/board. My retirement is taken care of and if she goes to grad school we should have that covered. But I'm slowing down and my epic rides are in the past. Be realistic about your future goals and your future financial commitments.

[tony_mm]

...I know I feel a lot younger, mentally and physically, than I remember of my dad when he was in his mid-forties.





Love that one!

[El Chaba]

One other note as an older father...When you do things like volunteer to chaperone for a school field trip, you will notice that there is an unfortunate lack of male presence in the lives of many of the kids. As an older guy, you will be grandfatherly, no matter how youthful and athletic you may be for your age. You will be very "approachable" by the kids, which is great. It seems that I occupy some middle ground between adult and kid. Like I wrote earlier, we are having a great time...

[tony_mm]

Sorry to be the party pooper.....but guys it is not only about the father it is also about the children...

What would be also interesting is to have the feedback of guys who have much older father than the norm....Do they like it? Do they dislike it? Do they feel indifferent towards it? Etc....

Maybe some of these persons with older dads will write some post here.....

[Ken Robb]

My sister had her SEVENTH kid at 46 and her husband was about 50. I mentioned this thread to her last night and she had nothing but good things to say about having kids at ANY age. All her kids are wonderful and joys to be around. I will make an obvious suggestion: just be sure you have PLENTY of insurance "just in case". :banana:

[redir]

Just to add another interesting story to this mix. My grandmother was 32 when they had their first child and they had a total of 11 :eek:

My grand father who was a Navy doctor came home from the war and well...

[cuwinbs]

Thanks for all the replies and info on this subject. It's been great to read from other peoples experiences. It always surprises me with the response on OT subjects and is the reason I love this forum.

[paredown]

My long-time friend who was best man at our wedding married late to a younger woman. That was surprising in and of itself--and then she convinced him that they should start a family.

So he is my age, with two sons in high school. He has recently retired--but he has found the experience of being a father wonderful--although he was making jokes about the lack of sleep working much better if you were younger when they were toddlers.

The families that I know with the late baby (either afterthought or a blended family like yours have treasured them--and the kids get the benefit of the fact that the adults are much calmer than they were in their twenties!

[HenryA]

Just to add another interesting story to this mix. My grandmother was 32 when they had their first child and they had a total of 11 :eek:

My grand father who was a Navy doctor came home from the war and well...

Daaaayaaaaam.....

[weisan]

http://alicehui.com/bike/family/IMG_1465.jpg

http://alicehui.com/bike/family/IMG_8451.jpg

http://alicehui.com/bike/family/IMG_1588.jpg

http://alicehui.com/bike/family/IMG_1472.jpg

http://alicehui.com/bike/family/IMG_6512.jpg

Oldest: 22

Youngest: 6

I am 49.

When my six-year-old commands me to jump, I promptly reply "how high!?"

I would not have it any other way.

[beeatnik]

http://alicehui.com/bike/family/IMG_8451.jpg

Oldest: 22

Youngest: 6

I am 49.

When my six-year-old commands me to jump, I promptly reply "how high!?"

I would not have it any other way.

Weisan, your oldest looks 15 and you look 32.

[weisan]

Weisan, your oldest looks 15 and you look 32.

Hi Al pal!

That's what everybody says!

[Dekonick]

My wife and I were a little older when we had kids - my universal response to the kid question, if you can - do it, especially since your girls are old enough to help!

Built in babysitters!

[redir]

Daaaayaaaaam.....

I know right?

My sister and I are what is colloquially known as Irish Twins. My grandmother put that into perspective.

[kramnnim]

May have already been posted, but a 73 year old Indian lady just gave birth to twins...her husband is 82.

[josephr]

I've done my thing with kids and at 50, my two girls are 26 and 19, and its been a good opportunity for me to undertake a career change which has been a challenge. I'd think at 50 if my career situation was groovy, I'd be open to having another kid, but at the same time, my gf is is my age with no kids and doesn't really want any, so it works out. I'd go for it....she may say its "ok" but that wouldn't be one of those things I'd let turn later into a regret if I could help it. Really good of you to discuss this stuff before getting married!

[pdonk]

Late to respond as I have been thinking about what to say.

TLDNR - if you are in a relationship spot, financial/career spot and it fills a hole in both of your hearts - definitely do it, if the hole in the heart and relationship spots are not aligned, then maybe rethink.

Had my first at 45 - nearly 3 years ago, it has been a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly in terms of emotions, relationship things and balancing things out. Like others here my wife is 10 years younger than me.

The smile and love I get from my daughter everyday is amazing and I would not trade it for the world. I would definitely regretted not having my daughter, she fills a hole in heart I kind of knew was there, but not fully aware how big it was.

The first few months were tough in terms of balancing work, sleep my wife's needs and the changes to my "selfish" pursuits have been impacted (riding, concerts, dining out, vacations), but replaced with time spent with someone who wants to learn from me and for the most part wants to share time with me. I think all in all I am ahead.

My big concerns are that I will be retiring later in life (in my 70's vs 60's) in order to make sure she gets the opportunity to get through school as close to debt free as possible and that I may miss important milestones in her life when I am not around.

I think having her later in life was good, as when I was younger I was not in the financial position I am in now or a head space to be calmer and more deliberate in the way I communicate and act with and towards her. Really it is a different level of maturity and mindset I bring.

[livingminimal]

I really like this thread. I am 43 with a ten year old and a seven year old both of which are turning out to be amazing, amazing human beings. I am so proud of both of them and cant wait to see the adults they become.

That said, for me, I am glad that is all we have. Two days after we came home from the hospital, I made an appointment for a vasectomy. Two months later, I could never have a kid again.

I love kids, a lot. I am a baby whisperer. However for me, I don't want to be a dad to a baby, toddler, etc anymore.. There is a lot of work left to do on my two kids, as amazing as they are, and I also don't want to start the clock over on reclaiming certain elements of my life.

My son started snowboarding last season and it basically changed my life, or may have been one of the best things thats ever happened to me. I was a really good snowboarder (and an ok surfer) when I was in my late teens, early 20s and I let it get away from me. His connecting to it was my reconnecting. Instead of raising a new little one, I am out on the mountain every Saturday (or was last year and will be this year) chasing him around and teaching him. We already have two trips booked this next season to Mammoth and Tahoe and I have a solo trip to Utah booked.

I have him to thank for it, but I also have my decision to stop there to thank for it. I also have them to thank for keeping me off the bike. Sounds weird, but I am not interested in dying and I do not regret cutting my bike time very significantly. I will probably pick up Mountain Biking next year to offset it.

Do your thing. Kids are amazing. Having more wasnt for me, but at the same time, kids are literally the best thing ever. Be well.

[XXtwindad]

Late to respond as I have been thinking about what to say.

TLDNR - if you are in a relationship spot, financial/career spot and it fills a hole in both of your hearts - definitely do it, if the hole in the heart and relationship spots are not aligned, then maybe rethink.

Had my first at 45 - nearly 3 years ago, it has been a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly in terms of emotions, relationship things and balancing things out. Like others here my wife is 10 years younger than me.

The smile and love I get from my daughter everyday is amazing and I would not trade it for the world. I would definitely regretted not having my daughter, she fills a hole in heart I kind of knew was there, but not fully aware how big it was.

The first few months were tough in terms of balancing work, sleep my wife's needs and the changes to my "selfish" pursuits have been impacted (riding, concerts, dining out, vacations), but replaced with time spent with someone who wants to learn from me and for the most part wants to share time with me. I think all in all I am ahead.

My big concerns are that I will be retiring later in life (in my 70's vs 60's) in order to make sure she gets the opportunity to get through school as close to debt free as possible and that I may miss important milestones in her life when I am not around.

I think having her later in life was good, as when I was younger I was not in the financial position I am in now or a head space to be calmer and more deliberate in the way I communicate and act with and towards her. Really it is a different level of maturity and mindset I bring.

Really psyched to see all the "Autumn Dads" on the site. And, to echo the previous comments, it's a great OT thread. Both civil and meaningful. It would be nice if there were some more threads in that vein...

To add to pdonk's astute comments: I was terrified of having kids. For many years, I led a very self-centered bachelor existence. My long-term partner (we had separated for many years) delivered an ultimatum: kids or the "highway." No amount of bartering would suffice. No extended trips. Not a dog or a cat or a frog.

It was the best decision I ever made. Or had made for me. I'm totally in love with my twin girls. They teach me something new every day. And I'm certainly becoming less selfish (although perhaps not at the rate my partner would prefer...)

That being said, the people who assure you that having kids is nothing but Sunshine and Lollipops are LYING. It's immensely difficult work. Emotionally and physically draining. There are numerous studies out there that show marital discord is at its highest within the first few years of having a kid. You don't know "until you know." My advice to the OP is to make sure that you have a deep level of friendship and respect for each other before taking the leap. Those qualities will get you through a lot of turbulent times...

[Jaybee]

Really psyched to see all the "Autumn Dads" on the site. And, to echo the previous comments, it's a great OT thread. Both civil and meaningful. It would be nice if there were some more threads in that vein...

To add to pdonk's astute comments: I was terrified of having kids. For many years, I led a very self-centered bachelor existence. My long-term partner (we had separated for many years) delivered an ultimatum: kids or the "highway." No amount of bartering would suffice. No extended trips. Not a dog or a cat or a frog.

It was the best decision I ever made. Or had made for me. I'm totally in love with my twin girls. They teach me something new every day. And I'm certainly becoming less selfish (although perhaps not at the rate my partner would prefer...)

That being said, the people who assure you that having kids is nothing but Sunshine and Lollipops are LYING. It's immensely difficult work. Emotionally and physically draining. There are numerous studies out there that show marital discord is at its highest within the first few years of having a kid. You don't know "until you know." My advice to the OP is to make sure that you have a deep level of friendship and respect for each other before taking the leap. Those qualities will get you through a lot of turbulent times...


My daughters are so worth it, but the bolded quote above is 100% true. Kids are so demanding in terms of time, emotional and financial resources that it's immensely difficult to not have your marriage/relationship become a "raising kids together partnership". No matter what you do, please make time for your SO and yourself to be a couple. It can be challenging to make the time, but one of the best gifts you can give your children is a model for healthy adult relationships.

[Ozz]

May have already been posted, but a 73 year old Indian lady just gave birth to twins...her husband is 82.

great....good chance the parents will both be dead before the kids are 15.

Don't mean to throw a bucket of cold water on the joy of being a parent, but it is hard work.

My wife and I had kids later (I was 38 with first)....my wife is 7 yrs younger that me, so maybe not so late for her. The boys are 18 and 15 now and pretty self sufficient, but the early years took a lot of energy.

As it is, I will be retiring about the same time my youngest finishes college...I would be worried if he was just starting.

good luck....

[livingminimal]

My daughters are so worth it, but the bolded quote above is 100% true. Kids are so demanding in terms of time, emotional and financial resources that it's immensely difficult to not have your marriage/relationship become a "raising kids together partnership". No matter what you do, please make time for your SO and yourself to be a couple. It can be challenging to make the time, but one of the best gifts you can give your children is a model for healthy adult relationships.

Dude, TOTALLY. What you can have on the other end of those turbulent times with your partner is truly frickin rad though.

[David Tollefson]

I affectionately tell people that my older daughter left me woefully unprepared for my younger daughter. They are SO completely different. My older daughter is much like me -- introverted, basically compliant with authority, can spend days within herself reading and such, but is on the verbal rather than physical end. Younger one os almost a polar opposite (and much like me wife) -- the definition of extrovert. She gets her energy from people, we often say that people are her favorite toys. She gets easily bored and will flit from one thing to another, and never wants to do anything alone (except watch her shows). And tends WAY more towards the physical end than the verbal.

It get draining. But she also has a thirst for knowing things, and when I explain things like tides, plate tectonics, engineering concepts, she will listen. And later when the subject comes up again, she'll remember how we talked about it before.

[Drmojo]

me 58
ex 58
wife 42
oldest girl 21
next girl 18
youngest 5
with 2nd wife

blended family did NOT happen
All these females/ girls/ women do not
get along
at all
but I love them all dearly and always will
Fatherhood is the most bittersweet experience
I have ever had

[Polyglot]

My father-in-law (who I never met as he had already passed before I met my wife) was born in 1903 and was 17 years older than his wife (born 1920). He had three daughters, respectively born when he was age 49, 55 and 57. The first daughter unfortunately passed away shortly after birth. They were living a dignified middle-class life in San Francisco until suffering a business turn-around when he was in his late 60's. They weren't completely destroyed but it did mean that there was a rather drastic tightening of the belts in the home and they ultimately moved back to Italy as the cost of living was substantially cheaper. My father-in-law had always been a rather successful entrepreneurial type who had seen a few ups and a few downs but rather more ups than downs. The problem was that at such an advanced age, there was simply not the necessary time to ever make up for the financial hole created. My sister-in-law was able to leave the parental home before he passed, but at about the same time as he had started to suffer the first signs of dementia. My wife was not that lucky and ended up needing to care first for her father, then in 1988 once he had passed (at age 85) the real financial plight of the family, that had remained hidden by my father-in-law became known. So after years of looking after her father with dementia, she had to then start looking after her mother (then 68 years old) financially. Surprise, surprise, my mother-in-law is now a few months shy of 100 and still in reasonably good physical shape but with severe dementia. My wife continues to be her prime care-giver. I am writing all of this to point out that having a child late in life can often mean that you simply don't have the time necessary to make up for unexpected events that can easily be rebounded from at a younger age. So make sure that you have a much bigger rainy-day fund and understand your future financial requirements before undertaking parenthood. My wife just celebrated her 60th birthday and has spent well over 60% of her life looking after her elderly parents. That is not fair.