Way OT: Choosing legal guardians for your children

[MattTuck]

Since the collective wisdom and experience in this forum always astounds me, I have a serious question about how to choose legal guardians for children. My wife and I are traveling from Boston to Seattle in August and this has raised the issue of trying to pick someone who could raise our 1 year old twins in the event of a disaster.

My sister and her husband are on the west coast, but for a number of reasons, we're not sure they'd be a good fit. Mostly because the rest of our families are around Boston/New England -- but also she has stated they don't want kids and that was a reason they are together. That leaves my parents (who just turned 70), and my wife's mom (who is 60) as the most likely short-term solutions. But, raising twins would be a huge burden at their ages.

That leaves a few close friends, that I could ask, but I feel like it is a pretty big imposition and there are only 1 or 2 that I'd consider both willing to take on the challenge and of the integrity I'd feel comfortable sending my children to.

Curious, for those with kids, any advice you have on this issue.

PS. I am aware our chances of dying were much higher last week when we drove to our monthly dinner date than when flying on a plane. But still, something about being 30,000 feet in the air makes things come into focus.

[Jaybee]

This is such a personal and intense question. My wife and I chose my parents, even though they are nearing 70 because we know that would be the best environment for our daughters in the event of our untimely demise. It would of course be a lot of work for them, but I can't imagine them going anywhere else. Maybe you have a friend or an aunt or a cousin for whom you feel this way? Sometimes people who don't really seem to be into kids would absolutely step up in the event of a tragedy.

Make a list of possibles, describe the pros/cons for each, and then have a serious discussion with that person/couple.

[oldpotatoe]

I would think the biggest obstacle would be combining those who you felt would do a good job and having them agree to take up that position..either way, tough chore, IMHO..

Travel in separate flights? If you are really concerned?

[Chris]

I'll do it. PM me.

[DRZRM]

I'd have a conversation with your sister first. My gut says that the reason not to pick her (assuming they make enough money to raise the kids and/or you two carry enough life insurance for that not to be important) would be if she were given the choice and declined. The decision to not have kids is not the same as the decision to not raise your brother's kids if he and his wife were to die. Twins for 60 or 70 year old grand-parents would be hard not only for the grand-parents, but also for the twins. I guess most importantly (and this is not really a dig, I know it is hard to talk about and plan for your own death) this is a conversation you should have had a year ago when they were born, and it certainly needs to take place now regardless of your flight. This should be a part of your wills, which should have been re-written with your lawyer when the twins were born, if not before. When do you want them to inherent what you two leave in case of your deaths? At 18? 25? 30? Who do you most trust to look after them?

[marsh]

Do your close friends nearby have kids the same age? We went through this a few years ago. Luckily I have two families that I have known my whole life, and a lot of family nearby. A little awkward because my in-laws live with us, but I just don't think they would be able to handle our kid full time. Ultimately we chose one of our best friends who live nearby. I grew up with both of them, our sons are the same age and are great fiends, they have room, and he wouldn't have to change school, baseball teams, etc. The four of us had a lot of planning talks about how care would work if one couple were to perish, drafted a plan and upgraded all of our wills. Make sure the same plan of care is in both of your wills. They are also beneficiaries on our life insurance policies, so money would not be an issue. Not fun planning for your own demise, but I feel a whole lot better knowing a plan is in place.

[Red Tornado]

I'm guessing no siblings other than sister?

Don't see anything in your post that says you & the missus have wills. Seems like your choices are limited, so may need to have some serious conversations with close friends, perhaps. The point is get it done. If not before your trip, make it priority #1 when you get back.

All of our family lives in Indiana (we're in Texas) so we ended up having close friends agree to guardianship because we didn't want to have the kids uprooted from school/friends/etc if anything happened to both of us, in addition to losing their parents. Don't feel bad for asking, worst they can say is "no". They may ask the same of you if they don't have readily available guardians to designate for their kids.

Get those wills done ASAP after deciding guardianship, and I also recommend doing power of attorney documents as well in the event one or both of you become incapacitated and cannot make your own decisions. Our attorney offers wills and POA in one combined package deal.

[verticaldoug]

Red Tornado says it all. Just sit down and plan your estate. Guardian ship, a trust for the kids, healthcare directives...etc etc.

[d_douglas]

Yes, we went though this a few years ago as well. Chances are sooooooo slim that anything will materialize, but planning is always better than reacting to tragedy.

I have two sisters and one sis-in-law - two with kids and one without. They’re all loving people, but we concluded that none would provide an environment in which we felt comfortable leaving our kids to grow up in, for various reasons)

We asked our good friend (with a single child 18 months older than our oldest) and she said very matter of factly “it would be my honour” - we knew we had make the right choice. She is older, but we figure we need to get our kids to adulthood (roughly 12yrs for the youngest) and our friend is a good candidate for doing that (knock on wood!)

[FlashUNC]

I'll do it. PM me.

It takes a village. Paceline will raise the kids. It'll be like Three Men and a Baby with more discussion of frame material and geometry.

We got you.

[echappist]

I'd have a conversation with your sister first. My gut says that the reason not to pick her (assuming they make enough money to raise the kids and/or you two carry enough life insurance for that not to be important) would be if she were given the choice and declined. The decision to not have kids is not the same as the decision to not raise your brothers kids if he and his wife were to die. Twins for 60 or 70 year old grand-parents would be hard not only for the grand-parents, but also for the twins. I guess most importantly (and this is not really a dig, I know it is hard to talk about and plan for your own death) this is a conversation you should have had a year ago when they were born, and it certainly needs to take place now regardless of your flight. This should be a part of your wills, which should have been re-written with your lawyer when the twins were born, if not before. When do you want them to inherent what you two leave in case of your deaths? At 18? 25? 30? Who do you most trust to look after them?

Yes to this. This is what term life insurance is for.

[commandcomm]

When my wife and I made this decision, we considered who would raise our children as we would have...as close as possible. We also considered who would be willing and able. There is also a financial component to this as are they going to be able to afford it.

[weisan]

I'd have a conversation with your sister first.

The decision to not have kids is not the same as the decision to not raise your brothers kids if he and his wife were to die.

It's true.

[vqdriver]

we were in the same boat years back when doing our own estate planning.

ultimately, you have to come to terms with the fact that likely no one is going to be a perfect candidate to raise your kids in your absence. it comes down to practical reasoning and some things you have to accept as a reality. here's some things to consider:

-who would raise them with the children's best interests at heart? people who care about you or people who care about them?
-who will the children know and trust? an aunt/uncle may be the best candidate, but if they're across the country and you only see them maybe during the holidays or vacation, your children will view them as little more than strangers.
-who will be around when/if calamity strikes? remember, you're planning for the future. that could be next month or in 10 years. a 70yo now will be 80 then. conversely, a 6yo now will be 16 then. consider that you're planning on their parenthood up to college age, it's not forever.
-we all plan on things in current circumstances, but most people do not update their estate planning regularly. close friends or coworkers now often drift apart or move on.
-it's a PITA, but estate planning should be done, and regularly revisited. not just for custody, but also for POA, medical directives, insurance, trusts, etc... imo, it should be a priority if you have kids. we all make time for their sports and activities, but this could be so much more important. and a half day or so every couple years isn't that big a deal.
-if you ask someone to raise your kids you should be prepared to pay for that. dunno if you already have it, but insurance is critical. easiest to establish a trust and make it the beneficiary
-not to be all dramatic, but the urgency is real. it doesn't take a natural disaster or terrorist attack. it could be as simple as a texting driver. i'm sure there's a story of someone dying on the way to their attny's office to sign these documents.

depending on your situation, there could be no ideal family to take them on. it's a tremendous responsibility and life changing event, both for the caretakers and their own children as well as yours.

every family is different and all that... but best of luck in this process. there's some hard questions to answer.

[MattTuck]

Thanks all for the comments, definitely some useful ideas and also makes me reflect on some assumptions I may have had.

[saf-t]

When the kids were little (they're adults now), we designated a close friend as the guardian in case anything happened. We opted not to have siblings take that role for a variety of reasons that we spelled out in the will to eliminate (to the extent possible) any legal wrangling.

[Ken Robb]

Assuming you are young and so are many of your friends and relatives when you first make this decision it's very important than the people selected be quite emotionally mature and financially secure so you may want them to be older than you. As years go by you may want to replace the original people with someone younger who will still be capable to perform the duties when/if they become necessary.