Totally ot: having people over

[Tickdoc]

Kind of a marriage rant here. Anyone else have issues inviting people over to their house? I grew up with an open door policy at our house. Neighbors and friends kinda came and went at free will. Sometimes calling and sometimes not.

My dad was gregarious and funny and super social. We had a big pool and hosted parties all the time.

My wife has this thing where no one can come over. Ever. Our House is never clean enough. There is always evidence of us actually living that just mortifies her if people come over and see dishes out or trash and things like mail laying about.

Just finished an awesome ride today and invited my neighbor riding buddy over for a post ride beer along with another neibor also rides.

I took them out by the pool and we just enjoyed the beer and the awesome weather today and had a good visit. When they left, I get read the riot act for letting them come over unplanned.

I just don’t get it. They could care less that the house isn’t immaculate. I go to their houses all the time with no ill will and their houses are just as damn messy as mine.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Am I the only one?

[Louis]

I'm no shrink or marriage counselor, but it sounds to me like there are some deeper issues at work here.

What was your wife's childhood like in her formative years? What are your in-laws like?

[yashcha]

As a serious introvert, I also hate it when people come over to the house as I find it very intrusive.

[AngryScientist]

unacceptable.

unless you are really doing something totally ridiculous, one should never be "read the riot act" by their spouse. marriage should be a partnership. equal peers, no one gets "yelled at".

unless you were asking her to prepare a meal or something, she has no right to tell you you cant have folks over around the pool outback IMO.

anecdotally - we are very social people, and have friends and family over often.

we live in a house that is by all rights too small for us, and we have two young kids. there is ALWAYS toys strewn about, laundry in various stages of completion, snacks and half eaten bowls of cereal out, etc.

everyone gets the usual disclaimer - sorry, but we live here.

i dont jusge other parents, because i know how hard it is to live a full life and hold everything together. i recognize not everyone is perfect, and i think our friends and family do the same.

often a super clean house where everything is in it's perfect place is just a facade anyway. what's the point.

[weisan]

My wife taught me everything I know about hospitality.

My parents were hospitable. We have guests and visitors often.

But when I met my wife, she took it to a whole different level. In my entire life, I have yet to meet another person who does what she does. She is crazy! I mean, CRAZY!

It!s a lot of work. I mean, A LOT of work. She would invite like 30-40 people at one go and cook for all of them.

Totally nuts!

We do clean up our house prior, more for hygiene and safety reasons, rather than to make it presentable. Luckily, we have an army of cleaners er...I mean, 6 kids under our disposal. "You, in charge of the bathrooms. And you, the playroom. You two, go pick up your room. The older ones normally help out in the kitchen.

There were times I literally have to get on my knees to beg off another "hosting event".

Eventually, I figured it out and were able to see things from her viewpoint.
This is her "love language". This is how she expresses love and tells someone that she cares about them. Who am I to stop her from loving someone!?
The people that she invite are not people that she want to curry favor with or gain something from. They are often people who are lonely, isolated, outcast, not popular, not good looking, not rich, not well connected, sometimes the untouchables.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is not Mother Teresa. But she's "close", as far as I am concerned.

I suffered through it, I still grumbled occasionally but because of her, I am a better person. I was able to see my own selfishness. I realized the "issue" is not with her, it's ME. And so I worked on myself, I tried to address the deeper issues in my heart. It's personal growth in action.

You want to know how I survive this?

So my wife knows my "limit" and understands what I need to restore equilibrium after we had a "hosting event". After helping with the cleanup, I would go out and vent all my anger....er...I mean, all that nervous energy on the bike. If it's already dark and I can't go out and ride, she would leave me alone and also tell the kids to leave me alone by myself inside the garage...with my bikes!

So far, this arrangement had worked out for both of us.

[ultraman6970]

What you can do to entertain them is to put the lemond tour de france and watch it with them :D

[Tickdoc]

I'm no shrink or marriage counselor, but it sounds to me like there are some deeper issues at work here.

What was your wife's childhood like in her formative years? What are your in-laws like?

Yeah not the best childhood. She’s the only one in her family to go to college, first to graduate, first to postgraduate degree. Both parents dead. We are both introverts at heart but this is just a social hangup that has always been there.

Didn’t used to be this way. We used to be very active in our church and our kids school when they were young, and while it was always a chore to have things presentable, we hosted dinners and had people over more. Bunko, poker, her sorority girls, stuff like that. It gets worse the older we get. Hermitization as my friend calls it.

I like my house warts and all and could give a f%ck what others think of it.

[Burnette]

Kind of a marriage rant here. Anyone else have issues inviting people over to their house? I grew up with an open door policy at our house. Neighbors and friends kinda came and went at free will. Sometimes calling and sometimes not.

My dad was gregarious and funny and super social. We had a big pool and hosted parties all the time.

My wife has this thing where no one can come over. Ever. Our House is never clean enough. There is always evidence of us actually living that just mortifies her if people come over and see dishes out or trash and things like mail laying about.

Just finished an awesome ride today and invited my neighbor riding buddy over for a post ride beer along with another neibor also rides.

I took them out by the pool and we just enjoyed the beer and the awesome weather today and had a good visit. When they left, I get read the riot act for letting them come over unplanned.

I just don’t get it. They could care less that the house isn’t immaculate. I go to their houses all the time with no ill will and their houses are just as damn messy as mine.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Am I the only one?

I posted this in the beer shower thread and it's worth repeating here:

"And especially in Paceline, personal relationships are like Fight Club and you know the rule. "Don't post about relationships on Paceline". It's the same as rule number two, "DON'T POST ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS ON PACELINE!". Ha!"

Hope it all works out for you.

[FlashUNC]

Partnership goes both ways. If she doesn't want people over, the "well people should be able to come over whenever" policy ain't for her to like or lump. It's worth having a conversation about what would work best for both of you.

Compromise and all that.

[msl819]

I agree with Louis, it’s probably not about the house being presentable or not. I would think that a mature conversation about the subject when neither of you is wound up about it may prove to be a productive way to find some common ground you both can agree upon.

[Tickdoc]

I posted this in the beer shower thread and it's worth repeating here:

"And especially in Paceline, personal relationships are like Fight Club and you know the rule. "Don't post about relationships on Paceline". It's the same as rule number two, "DON'T POST ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS ON PACELINE!". Ha!"

Hope it all works out for you.

Yeah that’s why it’s an ot thread. I don’t have any shame or anything to hide here, and I love hearing responses from this great group. Always had a bit of post-diarrhea on forums and I don’t see that changing.

Just wondered if it is only me.

[Tickdoc]

Partnership goes both ways. If she doesn't want people over, the "well people should be able to come over whenever" policy ain't for her to like or lump. It's worth having a conversation about what would work best for both of you.

Compromise and all that.

After 20 yrs of marriage and over 30 as a couple we do compromise and have found a way to make things work. But there are still things to work on, even after all those years.

It’s the kind of thing we bitch about on group ride therapy sessions, and this is my virtual group ride.

[vqdriver]

methinks you guys are arguing about a symptom, not the cause.

and if it's real for her, it's legit real because she's your wife. not to be dismissed just because we can't relate. for her it can be quite distressing. as her husband, try to be her advocate even if you also bear the brunt of it.

[Tickdoc]

methinks you guys are arguing about a symptom, not the cause.

and if it's real for her, it's legit real because she's your wife. not to be dismissed just because we can't relate. for her it can be quite distressing. as her husband, try to be her advocate even if you also bear the brunt of it.

Sounds good. It is definitely legit real.

For the record, I blame hgtv. I mean maybe home and garden magazine did the same for some back in the day, but I feel we are being brainwashed into today’s housing trends from the constant remodeling shows. Spend a good chunk of your money on a house and then borrow more so you can have a sliding faux barndoor in your living room. I’m not a fan of sterile rooms, I find comfort in clutter and enjoy a “homey” house.

[joosttx]

What is the advice for picking your significant other? "Do not choose a partner by how much you love her best qualities but by how much you can tolerant her worse qualities."

Seriously, if she wants to work at fixing it I would suggest going to a cognitive behavioral therapist. If she does not I would suggest you accept it and all the other phenotypes associated with the underlying pathology. Regardless, being supportive is the best thing you can be.

[pdmtong]

far be it for people here to impart their paradigms on you.

if you and your wife disagree, it's up to you to work it out. people here taking sides one way or the other is irrelevant to how you resolve your situation.

" yo, wife, a few dozen of my virtual forum friends call BS on your behavior"
that will not go over well.

you have to live with her. we do not.

for the record, my wife is more introverted that I am. we have learned how to work together...

[Ralph]

My first wife was like that. We lasted 15 years. That and some other things just destroyed our marriage. We were not a "team" going thru life. Will never forget the time when Christmas season came, she refused to go to the bosses home for the annual party....she said "you work for them, I don't" (I was a VP). Best you seek help on this IMHO.

[Peter P.]

I'm no shrink or marriage counselor, but it sounds to me like there are some deeper issues at work here.


I agree. Her degree of concern seems irrational. If it's not hormonal due to aging (she should see her doctor, or perhaps you can schedule an appointment with HER doctor and explain your problem-her doctor may have suggestions or can obtusely address the issue with your wife), and she's resistant to a discussion, suggest marriage counseling.

If that's too harsh, then here's what I suggest: Next time you invite people over in a similar situation, pre-brief your friends on the issue. Ask them to go out of their way, before leaving, to thank your wife for allowing them to spend some time in your home. They should use phrases like "your home is very comfortable place to relax", "it's inviting", or "it's nice of you to share your home with us"; you get the idea. I'd like to think a few rounds of this should take the steam out of her argument. If not, there's something truly deeper going on.

I'm inclined to deduce your wife has few, if any, friends, and I don't mean that maliciously, just a hunch. And that in itself would raise other related issues.

[ripvanrando]

Kind of a marriage rant here. Anyone else have issues inviting people over to their house? I grew up with an open door policy at our house. Neighbors and friends kinda came and went at free will. Sometimes calling and sometimes not.

My dad was gregarious and funny and super social. We had a big pool and hosted parties all the time.

My wife has this thing where no one can come over. Ever. Our House is never clean enough. There is always evidence of us actually living that just mortifies her if people come over and see dishes out or trash and things like mail laying about.

Just finished an awesome ride today and invited my neighbor riding buddy over for a post ride beer along with another neibor also rides.

I took them out by the pool and we just enjoyed the beer and the awesome weather today and had a good visit. When they left, I get read the riot act for letting them come over unplanned.

I just don’t get it. They could care less that the house isn’t immaculate. I go to their houses all the time with no ill will and their houses are just as damn messy as mine.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Am I the only one?

I could not live with an open door policy with friends and neighbors.

Knowing your wife's position and bringing guests over without letting her know is inconsiderate and only makes matters a lot worse.

I don't agree with your wife's view either. There has to be a middle ground but that's for you two to find.

[weisan]

tick pal, just as a quick follow up...

don't fret too much over this.

love is patient.

divert the spotlight away from your wife.

she's not the only one who had 'issues'.

We all do!

if we are honest. just comes out and manifests themselves in different ways.

hers happens to be "this" and is being brought into the open.

just relax.

go for a ride.

don't make this into too big of a deal.

it's really not.

unless you want it to be.

sometimes, stepping away is enough to create space for opportunities and change.

[Tickdoc]

tick pal, just as a quick follow up...

don't fret too much over this.

love is patient.

divert the spotlight away from your wife.

she's not the only one who had 'issues'.

We all do!

if we are honest. just comes out and manifests themselves in different ways.

hers happens to be "this" and is being brought into the open.

just relax.

go for a ride.

don't make this into too big of a deal.

it's really not.

unless you want it to be.

sometimes, stepping away is enough to create space for opportunities and change.

Thanks weisan pal. I feel better now. No more riding for me until tomorrow though. My riding buddies wore me out today and it was glorious.

Just felt like a rant.

I’ll go back to talking about bikes now :)

[MattTuck]

home, germs, security, safety, etc.... you're dealing with some potentially VERY strong emotions and thoughts.

If you have the means, and desire to host more, perhaps you could build a carriage house or barn with an entertaining space that would be separate from the main house, and you would take responsibility for it, and it would reflect on you....

Just an idea.

[moobikes]

I am the same as you and my wife is the almost the same as yours. Feels some shame about various things. It's not entirely about how the place looks. Don't stress too much. Negotiate an arrangement, where you can have friends over once or twice a month and do something for her in return that will help her feel better about stuff that's important to her.




I like my house warts and all and could give a f%ck what others think of it.

[Tickdoc]

home, germs, security, safety, etc.... you're dealing with some potentially VERY strong emotions and thoughts.

If you have the means, and desire to host more, perhaps you could build a carriage house or barn with an entertaining space that would be separate from the main house, and you would take responsibility for it, and it would reflect on you....

Just an idea.

Wow. Good insight ( hit nail on head with her other neuroses )

Funny you mention that, because if and when we ever move, it will be to our land where we could build just such a place. Of course, no one will want to drive all the way out there, but still a great solution.

[Tickdoc]

I am the same as you and my wife is the almost the same as yours. Feels some shame about various things. It's not entirely about how the place looks. Don't stress too much. Negotiate an arrangement, where you can have friends over once or twice a month and do something for her in return that will help her feel better about stuff that's important to her.

So I’m not the only one!

Maybe we can start a support group. At your house.:)

[jimcav]

my wife does the same thing. doesn't keep the house day-to-day a certain way, and so I can't invite anyone over unless she says ok because she has to clean up--to a level that is silly since it is people we know. Luckily i don't car that much as they are "parent friends" ie our kids' friend's parents. But i think it important to try to be sociable with them. Nothing impromptu. bummer and weird since she grew up with the hang out house. she has no issues with the kids' friends coming over, just adults.

[Ken Robb]

I have known people who only wanted friends over when the house was PERFECT and the food/drink were PERFECT because they felt they were being judged by the visitors and/or had a reputation to uphold.

With a sly grin let me ask: could you get some of your friends to invite you and your wife over when they deliberately had their homes and refreshments mediocre at best? If your wife saw imperfection as acceptable in your circle she might relax about having people over to your home.

[bironi]

People are very different. The spectrum of personal space and privacy is very broad as well. Compromise for what is most important. I'm still working on it and I aint young.

[R3awak3n]

but the thing might be, the way you are about bikes, maybe she is about the house. You nitpick the color of your handlebar tape, what group you use and amongst other things. She nitpicks how the house looks and how its presented.

We are not going to understand, my wife is the same. She tells me, you are not going to bring your friends over I hope, the house is a mess. And it is a bit sometimes but the last thing any of my friends cares about is how the house looks (for just like you said, theirs looks the same).

This is a perspective I am trying to change since we get into arguments about stupid stuff like this all the time. The solution, I am not sure but yall need to work on that. In her mind the solution is to clean the house, I bet you

[d_douglas]

Ha - funny thing in this discussion is that my wife is the messy one and I am the one who is sometimes embarrassed about the mess. She couldn’t care less!

We’ve had many a discussion over this, but in the end, I didn’t marry her for her cleaning skillz, so we met a compromise - with much bitching, she is a bit cleaner and with much bitching, I am a bit more laid back about clutter.

We have two messy young kids, so in the end, I will never win...

[OtayBW]

but the thing might be, the way you are about bikes, maybe she is about the house. You nitpick the color of your handlebar tape, what group you use and amongst other things. She nitpicks how the house looks and how its presented.
HAR! I originally thought that the OP has kind of a difficult situation - or at least one that I would not be comfortable with in a relationship. You have given me a new perspective and have completely turned my thinking around....:rolleyes:

[jmoore]

I have known people who only wanted friends over when the house was PERFECT and the food/drink were PERFECT because they felt they were being judged by the visitors and/or had a reputation to uphold.

With a sly grin let me ask: could you get some of your friends to invite you and your wife over when they deliberately had their homes and refreshments mediocre at best? If your wife saw imperfection as acceptable in your circle she might relax about having people over to your home.This. Exactly this.

My wife stresses about having people over if the house isn't perfect. We went to a friend's one night for dinner and she commented in how clean and perfect their house was. The next day we were at a baseball tourney with the same family and my wife told the wife the same. The wife laughed and said something like "well you didn't go in the spare room where we just bulldozed all the clutter into and locked the door behind hoping you wouldn't go in". :)

I think we all get twisted up when we feel like we are being judged, even if we aren't.

Give your wife a little heads up even if you think you might have someone over.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

[zennmotion]

This thread is useless without pictures. Of course, posting pictures of the "real" condition of the house could end up in divorce... But, keeping in mind that this is a largely male audience, I suggest you ask elsewhere. How do you share the housework? Actually, never mind- just go clean the house, make a mutual list of what needs cleaning, organizing and fixing. Get it done then ask again about guests. I suspect there's another side to this story-