Real OT / Sudden Passing

[dcowboys31]

Hello,

I do not mean to bring any dark off topic subjects here and have only posted once before, but in reading all of the posts here I realize there are some very intelligent well thought out topics so thought to start here.

On February 3rd my beautiful wife died suddenly from a heart attack after having our taxes done here in Natick Massachusetts. I missed her call at 12:39pm, called her back at 12:47pm (no answer) and took a shower. Received a call from the hospital that she had entered into the hospital and was very sick, I needed to come down. I drove there thinking she had the flu. The Dr. met me in a closed waiting room asked how she was that morning (seemed fine), why was she at Urgent Care?(I had no idea) and that her heart stopped there, and the Urgent Care, Paramedics nor the hospital could get her back.


The past three weeks have been beyond anything I could have imagined and every day seems to be worse. Physical and mental pain that has become overwhelming. Originally thought that first week would have been the worst, but I was mistaken.

What I was hoping to find was anyone here who has gone through something like this, something so traumatic & sudden, or could reach out to me to let me know how they got through this, or things they did to help. I saw a therapist for the first time this morning and know that will be a long process but it is at least a start. I know there are other forums for this but I was just seeing a lot of repetitive postings, not as much real first hand grief in the replies.

Again I am sorry for posting such a horrible second post but I find I am reaching out, trying to find someone who may have gotten through such a horrible experience.


http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/bostonglobe/obituary.aspx?page=lifestory&pid=188084145

Beth E Widisky 9/9/64 - 2/3/18

Thank You,

Jay Thomas
jasonthomas66@yahoo.com

[Gummee]

My Dad died suddenly. Expect a brief outpouring of sympathy and care, then things will drop off 'cause people won't know how to deal with things and/or don't want to offend by saying the wrong thing.

We're here for you when you need a shoulder.

M

[tommyrod74]

I lost my father suddenly 3 days before your wife passed.

He died due to a massive stroke at age 79; even after a relatively long, full life (and a recent decline of sorts) it was hard to accept and I'm still trying to work through it on a daily basis.

I can't imagine losing my wife in a similar, unexpected fashion, and am in no means comparing our situations directly. I just wanted to let you know that someone else on here is hurting due to loss as well, and understands the daily struggles.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and hope you don't feel you are alone in this. We're here for you.

[tuscanyswe]

Do not ever feel like you cant vent anything here if you want to. Like you say there are members on here with incredible knowledge and understanding of most thing in life. I have no similar experience to offer or share i just want to say that im very sorry for your loss and i cant really begin to understand what this must feel like.

You will always be welcome here and i hope you are offered some good thoughts on how to proceed best you can from here with time.

[pdmtong]

I am sorry for your loss. We have had sudden passings in our extended family and friends - cardiac events, traumatic accidents, suicide. All shocking and tragic. Very sad. My sympathy to you.

I think you will find there are experiences others have had that can offer both comfort and guidance. just remember that everyone handles grief differently - there isnt one "right way'

In times of grief, people can say the most unintended hurtful and stupid things. With that in mind, one thing that may help is to think of a short canned response to the obvious questions people and strangers will ask about what happened or how you are doing. By having thought about a short reply in advance, that will avoid spiraling into a discussion and memory that you were not planning to have at that moment (like in the supermarket for example), especially if it involves someone you really aren't close to.

Frankly, you don't owe anyone details. Its none of their business and you are entitled to that position. How are you doing? well, that's pretty dumb - how the H do you think I am doing?

[speedevil]

I looked at the obit, it appears that you have children and grandchildren. They need you as much as you need them. Talking with them if they don't live close to you (I don't know their ages), or spending time with them if that is possible, will be very cathartic for all of you.

I am truly sorry for your loss, and I can only imagine the feelings of loss and grief you must be experiencing.

Talking with a professional will help, and keeping family close will help all of you.

[Clydesdale]

So so sorry to hear about this. Can't imagine the shock and difficulty of a situation like yours. Prayers and best thoughts for you and yours.

[FL_MarkD]

First of all, very sorry for your loss.

I lost my wife last July after a long battle with pancreatic cancer. While not sudden loss, it still resulted in my being alone after 30 years of marriage.

So many things come to my mind as 'advice', but here are a few of my observations from my point of view.

1. Accept the grief, don't see it as a weakness but rather as a sign of the importance of your wife's life to yours.
2. Realize it will take time; but it does get better. Not always day over day, there will be good days or hours and then some bad.
3. Keep busy with living; embrace time with your children and friends. When someone offers to spend time with you (dinner, concert, movie, etc.) just accept. Even if you want to say no, do it and be thankful for the interaction.
4. Don't make any big decisions like selling a home, buying a car, finding a girlfriend, or anything in the first six months. Unless of course you have to for financial reasons.
5. Try to remember the good/great times when you start to feel the pain of the loss. Be thankful for all the blessings you shared with her.

I wish you all the best.

Mark

[makoti]

I am so very sorry for your loss. My father died suddenly & very unexpectedly about 12 years ago. I was numb. My dad, however, was 79. Even healthy, death comes to people at that age. I can't imagine losing my wife so young.
Therapy is good. Talking is good. Keeping up with things she may have wanted to do around the house may help. Keep friends around. Stay busy for a while. Ride. It all may help a little.

[jimcav]

was to not "fight" it and in fact "schedule" it. Now, this was in losing my mom last summer, but it was hard for me as I had/have extreme guilt about not noticing things that in hindsight were clear and which might have changed things. Regardless, I think grief for a loved one is similar, and I would put on a favorite song of hers, morning and evening, and just let the emotion come over me. I started doing that late in week 2. Before I did that, my sleep was awful, and I'd have to suddenly (and frequently) stop whatever I was doing and leave the room because something, nearly anything, could set me off (basically tears). After only 2 days I was much more composed and slept better. I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me. The thoughts and prayers of others did not help, although intellectually I did appreciate that my friends (and even acquaintances/co-workers) were trying to be kind and helpful. Talking to my boys about good memories they had with her also helped.

[batman1425]

Very sorry for your loss. 5 Days after your wife passed, we lost a close friend to a sudden brain aneurism. A wonderful woman, devoted spouse, Mom to 4 boys - the oldest in college, the youngest in middle school. A kinder, more generous, and thoughtful person you would be hard pressed to meet. She would give you the shirt off her back in a snowstorm.

The viewing lasted over 5 house to accomodate all the visitors. Over 300 came to the service. She lived more her 50 years than most do in lifetime and touched 1000's of lives through her volunteer work. We are heartbroken for the loss, but proud to have known her and call her and her family our friends. She lived every day deliberately.

Lean on those who love you as much as you need. Take the time you need to process and heal.

[biker72]

My wife passed away 3 years ago after 54 years of marriage. I'm still not totally over it.

I think you'll have to find your own way. Some people find church a big help. Others go to a therapist or some kind of grief therapy.

Cycling and going to work have been good outlets for me. My boss asked if I wanted to take a few days off. I did take one and spent the day cycling. Next day I was at work.

Every now and then I think for just a second she's still in the house. This will take some time.

[johnmdesigner]

I will send you a little tough love and say that it’s really up to you to get through this. You didn’t get a chance to say “goodbye” and that is the hardest part of your suffering. Suffering makes us who we are and as a member of the human race it is up to you to LIVE. Your wife would want you to live. Your children want you to live. You have to do the work. You won’t regret it.

Before you can grieve you must say “goodbye”.

I’ve walked out into a blizzard under dressed and there are two ways you can face it. One is to suffer and push back at the pain and hopelessness of it all and the other is to let the cold and snow surround you and embrace it and accept that you are a part of the storm. Then perhaps you can find peace. We all approach it in our own way.

Time and reflection will make it all clear to you. Just embrace it.

[jumphigher]

Really sorry to hear about your wife's passing, OP. Wish you the best and hope you find some comfort.

[dustyrider]

Hey! Please reach out and get in touch if you’d like.

I’ve been there and done that... it does get easier, but there’s a lot of dark before the light.

Find something that brings meaning and purpose slowly back into your life. At first it helps to align that meaning and purpose with someone else. Preferably more than one person. For me it was easy to blow off promises I made to myself, but I would keep them for others. It won’t be easy. There isn’t a lot that can feel meaningful right now but eventually there will be.

For me meaning really didn’t come for almost a year. I actually got used to just going along...I can’t point to any one thing and say that helped. Knowing you’re not alone and that people around you sympathize/empathize can only take you so far. You’re going to have to push yourself when you don’t think you can and give yourself time off when you don’t think you need it. It really is a completely confusing situation. And your path will not be the same as anyone else’s, you just got to believe “if you go along straight enough, you’ll end up wear you were.”

Losing someone I love has taught me that there is nothing more important than the moment. You can’t change the past and you can’t predict the future, so you need to make this moment the best that it can be. Of course fighting through agony and remorse doesn’t seem like the best moment in life, but if you believe that it will eventually lead to great moments than it has to be “worth” it.

For real, reach out and we’ll be there!

[MattTuck]

Oh man. Not even sure where to begin. Everyone walks their own path, and it seems your path for the next few years is not the one you were hoping for or expecting.

My words seem pretty hollow, so I'm not going to say much more than I am sorry.

However, here's an invitation to action. When the weather warms up, and you feel like you need to get a break from your local surroundings closer to Boston, you should come up to my neck of the woods (about a 2-2.5 hr drive). I'll create a great ride (or rides) that are tailored to your ability level and desire.

[josephr]

thanks for opening up...helps to remember how delicate our lives can be. dark, quiet times ahead and there will be times where words of consolation will have no effect. I hope these are times when you ride your bike solo and you think of your awesome wife and how much you miss her and at the end of the ride, you hug your children and realize its going to be alright.

[AJosiahK]

This in incredible Jay. Im so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing it honestly.

I think at such difficult and dark times its most difficult to reach out and express what we are feeling and thinking, as well as needing.

My most sincere thoughts are with you and your family.

By the way, I am just a few miles away. please don't hesitate to reach out to any of us!

_drew

[Mikej]

I hope you find a good way or method to deal with this- sorry for your loss. As others as here, I too lost my father suddenly almost 2 years ago. He passed at 67 and was alone at his kitchen table for several days. Some family members made it so difficult that it took some of the ability to reason and deal and accept what happened. Again you’re always welcome to post it here.

[mbrtool]

I am sorry for your loss..taking care of the rest of your family is the most positive thing you can do..I wish you and your family the best.

Ray

[juliussharpe]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and commend you for reaching out for help. It’s difficult but so important.

I lost my father, with whom I was very close, 7 years ago and suffered extreme emotional and physical symptoms.

One book that helped immensely was “Hope and Help for Your Nerves” by Dr. Claire Weeks. I still listen to the audio book whenever life feels like too much.

[NHAero]

So sorry to hear of your loss and suffering. My wife is a bereavement therapist at our local hospice and both sees individuals and facilitates bereavement groups. I imagine your local Hospice organization may have these services and they can really help. Please take good care of yourself and those around you.

[mars]

Hi Jay,

I hope you don't mind that this is my first post, but I felt compelled to reply.

I'm very sorry for your loss. A loved one passed suddenly 16 months ago, and it was a huge a shock. Like someone else mentioned, there was an outpouring of sympathy in the beginning, and when "normal life" resumed a few weeks later, it was all crickets; it was a painful time. Perhaps this is something you're experiencing now, since it has been almost 4 weeks.

The first 2-3 months were the most difficult for me. I am relatively young, so most of my peers could not relate to loss, and had no idea how to comfort me. I was depressed, felt guilty for not recognizing signs, and angry that no one could console me. At work, I felt like I was walking around like a zombie. The pain of loss doesn't really get better, but my heart/brain/body have learned to live with it - to deal with it. There's no magic solution. This can only happen with passing time. It was around the 8-10 month mark when I was no longer "in" it, no longer thinking about it 24/7.

If I could pass on some advice: Breathe. When things become too overwhelming, just stop and breathe in and out. Let the tears out, it is okay to experience the grief. Talk about her and your feelings. Her memory lives on in you and in your children.

Take care of yourself: eat and sleep regularly. Keep busy with any hobbies you have. (I got on the saddle. It's amazing what natural endorphins and fresh air can do.)

My deepest condolences during this difficult time.

[Matthew]

Mars, for a first post that's a standout. Lots of great advice here. To the OP, so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and family. If you feel like crying, let it flow. It can actually be of help to just release lots of emotion. At least it has for me. It's ok to smile or laugh sometimes. Talk to others that have experienced similar tragedies, if that means a group or just family. It can do wonders. There are many great folks here with excellent advice. Take care. Matthew

[clyde the point]

Yeah man that's as tough as it gets. Grief and the process of reconciling it cannot be understated. I was very young when my parents passed one month apart, living separate lives and having hated one another. I never learned what I suggested above and I pay the price for it whenever there is grief in my life, even a movie can reduce me to sobs; and tragedy dredges up what I have stuffed and presents itself for me to re-live in much greater proportion than it deserves.

I am terribly sorry for your loss. Nothing will ever make it right. The post about your family, children, grandchildren, was spot on. You must continue with your role of father/grandfather and spread the love that lives within you.

[dcowboys31]

I just wanted to thank everyone who reached out and gave very sincere and thoughtful replies and emails. A lot of what was mentioned mirrored what I am going through. My wife was having an issue with spasms that started in her neck that went down to her elbow (right side) for about 5 to 6 weeks prior to her passing and was quick to seek help from her primary doctor. She sent her to a nerve test on which they did shock treatment and she was scheduled for a follow up with an orthopedic Dr. as well. The guilt and remorse I have been dealing with has not allowed me to grieve. I saw quite a few of these episodes and now feel so much guilt that we never sought additional opinions or treatment.

I made a major mistake on Tuesday by reaching out to her primary care Doctor. Her dad also had the same primary care and he told me they told him they were doing heart testing during this time. For some reason I needed to know if this was correct, that somehow this would have given me some relief, but it did not happen. I understand they could have opted not to call me back under the circumstances, but the conversation could not have gone worse, causing me further despair. While looking for some relief, there was no mention of heart testing, just that they needed to review their files.

At this point I can hardly keep myself together and as I mentioned earlier things just keep seem to be getting harder each passing day. I am here alone with an 11 year old Old English Sheepdog who has not moved from our couch since this happened. She eats and goes out with me but she is waiting for Beth to come home and will not let down her guard. My 20 year old step daughter was doing a semester in Florence Italy and was only there for 8 days before having to come home for the funeral. Thankfully she went back against her wishes but having been here the last three weeks I know it was the right decision. Her older 26 year old sister lives an works in Boston and her 31 year old sister went home to Florida with her two kids.

It is quite amazing how quickly people do disappear after the shock wears off. I understand it and hold no ill will, but like people mentioned it did seem to happen all at once. There are parts of me that cannot even consider my life without her, how empty, sad, depressing, dark and cold it has been since she has gone. But what are the other options? We lived week to week, I cannot afford to not work and to not let myself fall apart is actually something I can and need to control. I was in great shape, went to the gym four days a week, ran and rode my bike. I ended up losing 15 lbs. since this happened.

Again my life has forever changed and will never be the same. My wife gave me everything, picked me up when I was down and stuck with me through all of the bad crap that came up as is does and never looked back. Please, if you have a good life, a great home, someone who makes you happier than you could ever imagine, NEVER take this for granted. Do not fight over dumb stuff, do things outside your comfort zone, never miss an opportunity to just say you love them, appreciate all of little things that make them smile and live in that moment.

Jay

[donevwil]

...... Please, if you have a good life, a great home, someone who makes you happier than you could ever imagine, NEVER take this for granted. Do not fight over dumb stuff, do things outside your comfort zone, never miss an opportunity to just say you love them, appreciate all of little things that make them smile and live in that moment.

Jay

For all the feelings I've experienced reading this thread this statement is the most poignant for me.

My mother's most vivid memory of my father was the last thing he said to her before passing, "You're still the most beautiful woman in the world". She hangs on those words whenever she's down.

I haven't allowed myself to think what my life would be like without my wife, but I need to.


Jay,

Starting this thread took real courage and strength, that says a lot about you. You will make it through and we are here to help in any way we can.

Evan

[93KgBike]

I went through something similar seven years ago. The emotions that I experienced during the first six months after were a burden that I still need to be very careful about engaging. And I did not have the capacity to truly function while reliving the what-ifs and whys - pretty much every night. I wanted to annihilate all of the surgeons and raze the hospital.

After six sleepless months, I became pretty ill.

I went to grief counseling. They perscribed fluoxetine for me, which really helped me to stop the nightly film-loop of fury and grief. Sleep returned to me after a week or so, and my health rebounded within a month. I stayed on it for about a year. Around year two I stopped taking it.

Therapy gave me the perspective I needed to stay healthy. Religion gave me the philosophical perspective I needed to endure my new reality.

I'm not over it. Not at all. But I have the ability to be loving and grateful again. Those desires to externalize onto others or grind myself down to nothing have subsided.

There was no need for me to make myself so ill. And its only great fortune that going to bed drunk every night only harmed myself.

Reaching out to others was not what I did. You are. If you have the ability, get some professional counseling. For me, it was like a custom fitting for my grieving mind.

I genuinely wish you all the best.

[marsh]

Guys, do this while you still can: Life Insurance. In my early 40s and lost a few friends and a brother in my age group. My friend/insurance agent jokes that I'm worth more to my wife dead than alive.

[EPIC! Stratton]

Afraid I don't have any advice, but wanted to say how sorry for your loss.

[shinomaster]

I'm so terribly sorry. My brother was tragically killed on a bike ride four years ago, and it hit me like a ton of bricks like you might expect it would. Just reach out to friends and family and don't be afraid to ask for help. FWIW I wound up drinking way too much IPA which didn't really help..

[572cv]

The OP deserves huge credit for sharing his experience, and I, like many paceliners, have had this in mind since reading of it. First, my sympathies and wishes for your strength... When I lost my dad, we knew it was coming but the event was unexpected. I still think about it, not being able to get there to visit, my Mom, all the what ifs. But your situation is so much more poignant, so hard.

I am grateful for your admonition to tell the people you love that, indeed, you do. I am grateful for this reminder to live each day. And I am moved by the comments of others on their own experiences, and offers to help. I hope that this community and its experiences have in some small way contributed to doing just that.