OT: Kids growing up, no one warned me

[Keith A]

That is, no one warned me that an empty nest is not all that it's cracked up to be :(

We have three girls that are now grown and each of them are married. One is teaching in South America, one is finishing school out West and the other lives near us. This past Christmas was the first time that all three girls have been together for this holiday, and it has reminded me how much I miss spending time with them. One daughter has already left to start her final semester for her bachelors degree, and my other daughter is getting ready to leave on Saturday.

I have loved spending time with them and am not ready for the last one to leave. I know it's challenging caring for them when the are little and then you start getting into the teen years...and things can get a little crazy then. We certainly had our share of rough patches (some really rough ones), but we worked through it all. When our last one was in high school, I started fully realizing what it was going to be like when they were all gone, and we spent as much time with her as we could before she left for college...I'm really grateful for those years.

So what's my point? I guess I just wanted to whine a little, and also to remind all the parents who have children at home to take advantage of the time you have with them...because they won't be there forever. It may seem like the time will never come when they leave (and sometimes you might be ready for them to be gone), but it will...and you don't want to regret rushing through the years you had with them.

[Mikej]

I feel you - my boys are 14 and 17 -holy cow it flew by! As far as an empty nest, haven't had that experience yet...I take it still costs a lot even though they're out?

[oldpotatoe]

I feel you - my boys are 14 and 17 -holy cow it flew by! As far as an empty nest, haven't had that experience yet...I take it still costs a lot even though they're out?

Yup, called 'dependent independents'..relax, they'll boomerang, at least once.

Mine are 38 and 40..glad they are on their own.

[Keith A]

I feel you - my boys are 14 and 17 -holy cow it flew by! As far as an empty nest, haven't had that experience yet...I take it still costs a lot even though they're out?Yes, it can cost a pretty penny...but at least them being married helped with that part.

[gasman]

Keith-
I agree with your sentiments !! It's really a huge change to have an empty nest and it hit me and my wife hard the other day. Our daughter lives in town but she works full time and lives with her boyfriend so we see her only every other week roughly. Our son graduated from college this last year and works in Silicon Valley. He was home for Christmas but when he left the other day we realized we likely won't see him again until this summer.

We also hit some really rough patches with both of them when they were in their teens and now they have established their independence and are delightful adults. We would love to see them more often but recognize that's not how the world works when your kids grow up.

Thank goodness we text with them frequently (daily) so there still feels like some contact.

I'm not sure what my point is either, maybe just that life changes can be difficult and that you should enjoy your kids as much as possible.

[Ralph]

Keith...Well said.....many of us are there with you. Couldn't wait for them to be gone and on their own.....and now can't wait to see them again. At the same time we're proud of them in doing whatever they do......having their own lives....and wouldn't want it any other way. My wife calls it the life cycle.

[Tickdoc]

I feel you - my boys are 14 and 17 -holy cow it flew by! As far as an empty nest, haven't had that experience yet...I take it still costs a lot even though they're out?

I'm with you, 17 and 14 here. I'll respond back to this post in 5 or six years with some whining of my own;~)

Question though....are you getting along better or worse with you SO now?

[Keith A]

Thanks for the comments. I completely agree with gasman "life changes can be difficult and that you should enjoy your kids as much as possible". Texting is a good way to still feel connected to their daily life and we use this too. My oldest used to teach in South Korea, and it was challenging with her schedule being the exact opposite as ours...but texting certainly helped.

[EDS]

That is, no one warned me that an empty nest is not all that it's cracked up to be :(

We have three girls that are now grown and each of them are married. One is teaching in South America, one is finishing school out West and the other lives near us. This past Christmas was the first time that all three girls have been together for this holiday, and it has reminded me how much I miss spending time with them. One daughter has already left to start her final semester for her bachelors degree, and my other daughter is getting ready to leave on Saturday.

I have loved spending time with them and am not ready for the last one to leave. I know it's challenging caring for them when the are little and then you start getting into the teen years...and things can get a little crazy then. We certainly had our share of rough patches (some really rough ones), but we worked through it all. When our last one was in high school, I started fully realizing what it was going to be like when they were all gone, and we spent as much time with her as we could before she left for college...I'm really grateful for those years.

So what's my point? I guess I just wanted to whine a little, and also to remind all the parents who have children at home to take advantage of the time you have with them...because they won't be there forever. It may seem like the time will never come when they leave (and sometimes you might be ready for them to be gone), but it will...and you don't want to regret rushing through the years you had with them.

My nineteen month old daughter puked three times last night and was generally very crabby (she is teething). Also had to have a talk with the 5 year old because her teacher said she was talking too much in school (she talks constantly, so no surprise). That made for a rough night. However, I love them dearly. I will miss being their hero when they are grown. I will miss the excited screams of "daddy" when I come home. I will miss holding their hands, and picking them up (they like it when I pick both up in the morning and bring them into my bedroom to say good morning to my still sleeping wife). I will miss our daily conversations (including the two word sentence conversations with the little one). I will miss so many other things as well, but I know it will be fun watching them grow up too.

[Keith A]

Grandchildren help too. I know I'm prejudice, but we have the sweetest granddaughter who will be one in March, and we love spending time with her. Fortunately, they live in town and my wife watches her at least one afternoon a week. It was so fun to see my other two daughters fall in love with their niece.

[Tandem Rider]

Kids grow up?? Huh? Thank god I don't have to change another diaper tonight.

Wait.. what? College? Job? HOLY COW!!! When did THAT happen?? :confused:

[soulspinner]

Here ya. Wife is a lawyer and works ridiculous hours and our nest is very empty.....Its sure is different..........

[Nooch]

This hits me hard (in fact, tearing up a little here at work reading it).

I'm lucky -- because it's not too late -- my girls are two and four right now. But I work -- all the time, as much as I can, because we have two kids, we just bought a house, we've got debt associated with it and I don't want to be under that for the rest of my life.

I do nights at a restaurant -- looked back at my records and saw that I worked 126 shifts last year. 126 nights I didn't put the girls to bed. 126 days that I really didn't see them at all, because i spend 15 minutes with them between them waking up and me going to my day job, and then they're asleep (my wife, usually, too) by the time I get home.

And while it's a huge blessing, their grandparents, all of whom are divorced, constantly vie for their time on the weekends. So the girls will spend many a friday/saturday night with various grandparents..

But while it's great for them -- I miss out on the good stuff, I feel, sometimes..

[marsh]

We only have 1 kid, I can't believe how fast the time goes. My wife and I both
have turned down career/business advancement opportunities so we can spent the most time possible together. I get out of work early enough to enjoy afternoons with him. I am enjoying the crap out of it, I know he will be too busy for us soon enough. 6 years old, already took over the trainer and some of my gear.

http://i.imgur.com/roCjfRPl.jpg

[Keith A]

Grandchildren help too. I know I'm prejudice, but we have the sweetest granddaughter who will be one in March, and we love spending time with her. Fortunately, they live in town and my wife watches her at least one afternoon a week. It was so fun to see my other two daughters fall in love with their niece.What's not to love about this little one?

[parco]

Having kids was the hardest thing I ever did and the best thing I ever did. They made me a man. Cycling is hard but not as hard as raising kids. My kids are the bright spot in my life. I can't imagine life with out them. On those rare occasions when they are both home together they become 10 years old again and chase each other around in the house. I think of them every day.

[merlinmurph]

No kids here, but have watched many friends go thru it. It's tough to watch, you can see it in their eyes. I just make really positive comments about their kids and tell them they did a great job raising them.

Good luck, Keith, they sound like great kids.

[SpokeValley]

Having our grown kids home for the holidays, and then leave, reminded me that empty nesting was really an adjustment for Mrs. Valley and me.

Now, just me and the dogs in the house most times.

[bking]

Yep, i know what you mean. Our baby--last of six, left home about three years ago, now married. Six kids it was always like a traveling circus, that's how it felt moving around with them, or just watching them at home. But, they get married, have kids, and are around often enough that while we joyfully anticipate their arrivals, really love having them home, we also look forward to the peace upon departure. It's all good, in fact, it's all very good.

here's the latest from last summer, one more though since the photo was taken:

https://photos.smugmug.com/Boats/2016-Lake-Powell-Chads-photos/i-tVzKVXk/0/X2/KF8C5783-X2.jpg

[Kirk007]

Our son is 24, in an aviation technology program nearby and we sit his dog when he is in class. He is one day 3 of the flu, has hence missed the first 3 days of the quarter and FAA regs require that he now withdraw for the quarter as he will have missed 18 hours of class time. It's still hard to have a sick kid, even when 24, and his frustration and disappoinment of being sidelined and thrown out of sync with his program is felt by his mom and me as if it was happening to us. I concluded last night that the highs and lows of parenthood don't have a termination date. He'll always be our boy we worry about and this doesn't seem to change whether he's off in Hawaii or here nearby. The physical nest may be empty but the emotional one remains fully occupied.

[bking]

Our son is 24, in an aviation technology program nearby and we sit his dog when he is in class. He is one day 3 of the flu, has hence missed the first 3 days of the quarter and FAA regs require that he now withdraw for the quarter as he will have missed 18 hours of class time. It's still hard to have a sick kid, even when 24, and his frustration and disappoinment of being sidelined and thrown out of sync with his program is felt by his mom and me as if it was happening to us. I concluded last night that the highs and lows of parenthood don't have a termination date. He'll always be our boy we worry about and this doesn't seem to change whether he's off in Hawaii or here nearby. The physical nest may be empty but the emotional one remains fully occupied.

I'll throw in an Amen! on this one.

[Rpoole8537]

When my son was two, I was traveling as much as three weeks each month. It was the most "prestigious" job I ever had, if you are into that sort of thing. I decided that I was not into that sort of thing. I took a job traveling zero weeks each month, and I had a good career none the less. My son and I went camping with Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts and Indian Guides. We played basketball in the driveway almost everyday after school. I coached basketball teams at the YMCA. (He was a much better basketball player than me, and I was more than a little envious, but thrilled to see him experience success!) We went to baseball games, basketball games, the beach and bicycle races together. We rode mountain bikes together. (I was sad when he showed no interest to ride a road bike.) When he finished college, I couldn't afford to give him a car, or a house, but I think I gave both of us something more. Special time together.
BTW, my mentor on that first job, died of a heart attack last year at age 72, while at work. I loved that guy for what he taught me, but I never understood that "success at all cost" thing.
Last year, my son left his job; too much travel. I hope he spends good quality time with his children when they arrive. Fingers crossed.

[Frankwurst]

We love it when the Kids are home and it still tears my heart apart when they leave. I know that's the way it is. I'm happy for them because they're doing what they want and that's how we told them to live their lives. Didn't think they'd listen during that conversation. God knows they didn't during alot of the others. They're our best friends.:beer:

[Mikej]

I'm with you, 17 and 14 here. I'll respond back to this post in 5 or six years with some whining of my own;~)

Question though....are you getting along better or worse with you SO now?

We're great

[scho74]

I have a 3.5 year old girl at home and these past 3.5 years went by toooo fast. This post makes me realize that they DO grow up way too fast. Gotta make the most of it! :beer:

[onsight512]

Mine are 7 & 9. At the time our second son was born I was working slightly less and it was only then that I realized just how much I had missed with our first.
It goes by so quickly. I endeavor to be present to that reality every single day.
Language fails me when I try to describe how I feel about them.

[carpediemracing]

Mine is 4-3/4 years old. I quit my job when he was 2 months old to care for him. Worked for 6 months in 2015 but then quit again to care for my dad, and therefore Junior as well (we reduced his daycare hours since I'd be at home).

I started working a pretty hectic schedule a few weeks ago. I haven't done a 12 hour day in a while, definitely not since Junior has been around, and my work is 30-35 minutes away (previously I worked either 8 or 22 minutes away). It seems that many of my days are 9-10 hours (today was 10), and 11-12 hours won't be too uncommon. There's a lot of upsides to the job but the big downside is that I miss Junior quite a bit and I think vice versa. A couple times I got home and he was still up. He'd tell me all about whatever for a good 60-90 minutes non-stop before he passed out.

I think it helps me that his daycare sends out pictures pretty regularly. Right now it's 3 pictures a day and I can view them on an app on my phone at work (generally speaking there's no browsing at work, but the daycare app Tadpoles makes it easy to view images).

[tkbike]

Empty nester for 3 years now! Took a little getting used too but my wife and I love it, we have grown closer each and every year😍
My daughter moved to Pullman Wa 3 years ago and we are helping my son move to Atlanta at the the end of the month(he was local)...so he will be the close one...only 1100 miles away!
The minute my son was born(he is the oldest), I decide I wanted a job and not a career. My son played baseball and basketball, my daughter played volleyball and basketball, from CYO through college We missed a total of 1 game between the two of them!
Anytime you get together with your children is special and a holiday, it doesn't have to be a designated holiday. My mother-in-law passed away the end of November and my daughter came home for the service but was not able to come home for Christmas. We face-timed with her on Christmas, watched her open her gifts and it was just as special as her being here.

[bmeryman]

Hmmm...I should probably call my parents.

[onsight512]

Hmmm...I should probably call my parents.

Yeah. It wasn't until I had kids that I realized what my parents must have felt like when I left Philly and moved to Las Vegas (twenty years ago).

[shovelhd]

26 and almost 21. Our nest wasn't empty for long. They come back when they need a rest before their next journey. I've been going through earplugs since they both have been back, but I love it.

[texbike]

Thank you for this thread and all the perspectives. The timing couldn't be better. I have an 8 and a 10 year old. Life moves FAST! Each day that passes, it becomes increasingly apparent that I need to seize this time with my kids and family and enjoy it. I need to take the time to contribute mightily to their memories and building our relationships.

Texbike

[thwart]

I'm lucky -- because it's not too late -- my girls are two and four right now. But I work -- all the time, as much as I can, because we have two kids, we just bought a house, we've got debt associated with it and I don't want to be under that for the rest of my life.

I do nights at a restaurant -- looked back at my records and saw that I worked 126 shifts last year. 126 nights I didn't put the girls to bed. 126 days that I really didn't see them at all, because i spend 15 minutes with them between them waking up and me going to my day job, and then they're asleep (my wife, usually, too) by the time I get home.


This makes my heart hurt. Because of what I do (thankfully now semi-retired) I had a similar schedule when my kids were little.

Hope you find some way to change this soon.

[Kobe]

Three teenagers 17,16 and 13, I just can't wait until I get my intelligence back.:)

The oldest will be going away in August and I already miss her.

[Ray]

Mine are in their late 20's, both doing well, one of them's even a doctor already... Parenting was the best and by FAR most important full time job I ever had - the other one was primarily to pay for that one. Then as they slowly left home (one boomeranged for about a year), it became a consulting job where we were only called in occasionally, but we were still really important. By now, they're fully adult and handling it and we just enjoy the hell out of them when we get to see them. Fortunately, although they're each about an 8 hour drive from us (and in opposite directions), they both really like to spend time with us.

They used to come to us almost all the time, but now we're retired and they're busy as hell, so we go to them. Spent a week in Maine with one daughter at Thanksgiving (and then she and her BF came home at Christmas) and now we're spending a couple of months in North Carolina near the other one and to enjoy a milder winter. I think the doc and her BF are gonna make it down here for a week in February so all of us will be together. That's less and less frequent, but really sweet when it happens. And they're close to each other too - they've seen each other independent of us a few times and go out of their way to stay close despite distance.

I've loved and am loving every stage of it, from when they were babies to little kids to tweeners to teens to young adults to full on independently functioning people. Not to say that various stages weren't difficult - when they're young you're always exhausted and when they're teens you're always worried. But I wouldn't trade a minute of any of it. And I wouldn't want them back either - they're where they're supposed to be, we're still very tight with them and them us. And someday, maybe we'll be lucky enough to have some grandkids, but it seems like it's still a few years away.

Enjoy or at least appreciate each stage as much as possible, even through the tough times. Don't wish it away when they're with you and then you won't really miss them when they're gone. It DOES happen incredibly fast. I was just carrying my first out of the delivery room a few days ago, but that was really almost 30 years ago. So you've gotta savor it every chance you have. But that's really true of everything in life - kids, parents, friends, the works. You only get one shot - make it count...

-Ray

[kgreene10]

Thanks for posting this. My five year-old is just about to get home from kinder, but he was about a year old only yesterday. I don't know if time passes differently for others, but I'm an academic and I realized the other day that I've been working on the same damn project since before he was born. And will likely be working on it until he's in middle school. That is a sobering thought. (BTW, it's not like I'm curing cancer or anything.)

[Llewellyn]

Even for a non-parent like me this is a nice thread.

[Keith A]

I originally hesitated to make this post, but I have really enjoyed everyone's input. Some really good information and experiences shared. Thanks!!!

[Black Dog]

Mine are 6 and 10. I have learned one lesson in life that guides so much of what I do: Time is the most important thing, not the only thing, but the most important. We have made many changes in our lives to give us as much time to spend with our kids as possible. Every sacrifice we made, and make, is worth it. We only get one chance to raise our kids and we don't want to miss it. Our kids will, one day, blame us for a lot of things, but not spending enough time with them will not be one of them. :D

[Elefantino]

Ours are (holy crap!) 34 and 25. We live in Oakland; they live in Brooklyn and DC, respectively. They were home for 10 days for Xmas and it was wonderful. However ...

Although we love them and miss being on the opposite coast...
Although we wish we saw them more often because FaceTime is a poor substitute...
We actually love the empty nest because, having had the first kiddo 13 months after we were married and thus having kids around for the next 28 years, it was and is refreshingly wonderful to have just the two of us.
That said, when we have grandkids, all bets are off. We will be moving back to the East Coast, quite likely in close proximity to both ... and in a good cycling area!

[oldpotatoe]

Ours are (holy crap!) 34 and 25. We live in Oakland; they live in Brooklyn and DC, respectively. They were home for 10 days for Xmas and it was wonderful. However ...

Although we love them and miss being on the opposite coast...
Although we wish we saw them more often because FaceTime is a poor substitute...
We actually love the empty nest because, having had the first kiddo 13 months after we were married and thus having kids around for the next 28 years, it was and is refreshingly wonderful to have just the two of us.
That said, when we have grandkids, all bets are off. We will be moving back to the East Coast, quite likely in close proximity to both ... and in a good cycling area!


What he said. Both my kids are local, we see them often. Best news is we get to nanny the 3 and 5 year old grand daughters, which is rewarding, challenging, tiring. Look forward to it, fun(small 'f') when we nanny them, glad when we get to go home.

[Vonruden]

Great thread! This helps validate my decision to leave my job in NYC for about 1/4th less pay. I was leaving for work from the Jersey Shore to catch the 5:40am bus and getting home between 7:00-8:00pm (4 hour daily commute).

My new job is much closer and allows work from home and values family time for their employees. I have 3 boys that are 12, 9, & 9 and I was missing most of their basketball game and other important school activities. In the last 3 months I have seen more games then I had in the last 6 years at my previous company. So far, it was the best decision I ever made. You can't put a price on the quality time with your kids.

:beer: To more rides like this with my oldest
http://i1266.photobucket.com/albums/jj533/vonruden1/CE8B5C1E-5598-4FE0-9A22-217BAFC58897_zpsk1ggsto8.jpg (http://s1266.photobucket.com/user/vonruden1/media/CE8B5C1E-5598-4FE0-9A22-217BAFC58897_zpsk1ggsto8.jpg.html)

http://i1266.photobucket.com/albums/jj533/vonruden1/21DD89F7-9ECE-467D-899F-C416D09613E0_zpsg7crb4np.jpg (http://s1266.photobucket.com/user/vonruden1/media/21DD89F7-9ECE-467D-899F-C416D09613E0_zpsg7crb4np.jpg.html)

[soulspinner]

Stayed home and worked weird hours to be a primary parent for both of mine. Ive been ridiculed by some of my male coworkers but every female thought it was a positive. It was invaluable to me but it still stings when they leave home to live their own lives..

[2LeftCleats]

I was ambivalent about becoming a father and unprepared (not sure anyone is truly prepared). Trying to balance professional demands, family life, and personal time was a struggle for us in the beginning. I am humbled by my wife's selflessness. It's different now at home without them, but we're both active, enjoying life, and planning for retirement. We are fortunate to have 3 adult children, all happy and well-adjusted, living in Raleigh, Portland OR, and Japan. We communicate frequently. 2 are avid cyclists. Though they're self-sufficient, my wife and I never stop worrying about them. It's the nature of the worry that has changed through their lives. Currently, we wonder about relationships, repayment of educational loans, and what kind of world our generation will leave for them.

[hokoman]

This hits me hard (in fact, tearing up a little here at work reading it).

I'm lucky -- because it's not too late -- my girls are two and four right now. But I work -- all the time, as much as I can, because we have two kids, we just bought a house, we've got debt associated with it and I don't want to be under that for the rest of my life.

I do nights at a restaurant -- looked back at my records and saw that I worked 126 shifts last year. 126 nights I didn't put the girls to bed. 126 days that I really didn't see them at all, because i spend 15 minutes with them between them waking up and me going to my day job, and then they're asleep (my wife, usually, too) by the time I get home.

And while it's a huge blessing, their grandparents, all of whom are divorced, constantly vie for their time on the weekends. So the girls will spend many a friday/saturday night with various grandparents..

But while it's great for them -- I miss out on the good stuff, I feel, sometimes..

My kids just turned 3 and 2 in November, I was working late hours at my job and had multiple days a week I would leave before they woke up and got home after they were asleep even though my office was about 2 miles from home.

A year and a half ago I quit my job and have taken the time to spend with my kids. My wife works from home so we spend a lot of time together. I am super grateful I am able to do this right now... but I will say my life has been pushed to 2x on the remote.... time flies.

[Rpoole8537]

I am somewhat surprised by the number of young parents on this forum. Surprised because of the wisdom and maturity of the conversations.
Wishing a great 2017 to all.

[djg]

To the OP, yep, and what-are-ya-gonna-do?

We're not empty nest-ers -- two just started high-school and one is a sophomore in college who, thus far, has been home every break (she's in school out of town but it's relatively close and easy as travel goes). It's easy enough to see it coming already. They still need us for a great deal -- food and shelter, among other things -- but the larger part of their time and attention is elsewhere.

It's odd how the whole of it flies, even if individual minutes here and there seemed to take forever. We've done some cool things and we're looking forward to more -- from travelling to everyday life moments. I'm grateful. And this much is certain: it's still interesting.