View Full Version : This just in--Landis declared public menace!

07-26-2006, 12:40 PM
Just got this, e-mailed from an aquaintance . . . no idea where she got it, but it sounds SERIOUS! ;)



Seattle, July 26 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) - Representing more
than 2500 enthusiast cyclists, attorney Al Maviva, Esq., today announced
that he would be suing Floyd Landis for irresponsible behavior that
enticed his clients to imitate his "miracle stage" in the 2006 Tour de
"On Thursday, July 20, 2006, Mr. Landis, fully aware that cameras were
trained on him, engaged in any number of dangerous, ill-considered
activities that can be categorically called "attractive nuisances," said
"As a causal result of imitating Landis during the week following his
so-called 'miracle stage,'" continued Maviva, "My clients have
physical and emotional trauma, and in one case: death. Landis must pay
for the harm he has done."
Grievances Enumerated
According to the suit filed by Maviva, the following damages have been
(allegedly) caused by Landis' (allegedly) heroic ride:
* Strategic Blunders: Since Landis' audacious Stage 17 attack,
early, ill-considered attacks have reached epidemic proportions,
appearing in nearly every race and usually by multiple people. The suit
mentions one race in particular where at the beginning of the 200 mile
race all 450 entrants left the start line at a sprint, all
believing-apparently-that they were Floyd Landis. Maviva notes that 448
of the race participants had collapsed within two miles, and that the
remaining two racers coasted to a stop during the next mile. "Clearly,
these people suffered physical, emotional, and financial harm," notes
Maviva. "If Landis had shown the courtesy to at least put a disclaimer
on the screen that he was doing something that nobody else in the world
could do, perhaps we wouldn't be seeing this rash of crazy attacks in
club races."
* Crashes: Hospitals across Europe, Australia, and America have
shown a steep rise in cycling-related accidents since Landis's dramatic
Stage 17 ride. "Evidently, riders are trying to emulate Landis's
time-trial-on-a-road-bike pose," notes Dr. Mike Young. "They rest their
elbows on their handlebars and clasp their hands together, laying their
backs as low to the ground as possible." Dr. Young then concluded, "And
then of course, they inevitably fall off their bikes, usually landing on
their chins because their still-clasped hands are trapped in their brake
* Death: Noting that Floyd Landis was almost constantly dousing
himself with water during his massive solo attack, racers across America
have taken to doing the same. Unfortunately, taking the American "more
is better" philosophy a little too far, one enterprising Cat 5 racer got
his wife to drive a pace car he had specially equipped with a
compressor, a complex network of hoses and nozzles and 250 gallons of
water. His plan to be constantly misted as he biked went horribly wrong
as the compressor ran amok, giving the rider the dubious distinction of
being the first person to ever drown while riding on a bike on dry
* Lots and Lots of Embarrassment: "The most prevalent and common
harm caused by Mr. Landis," notes Mr. Maviva in the suit, "is that
everyone now both wants to be Landis, and recognizes the folly in others
as they try to emulate him. Upon seeing a friend crack, it is almost
universal to hear another rider say, 'Yeah, you're Floyd Landis all
right. Too bad you're the Stage 16 version."
Expert Analysis
Dr. Dan Richardson notes that there is precedent for this virus-like
mass mimicry among cyclists. "For years," says Richardson, "Cyclists
have been suffering from Lance Armstrong Syndrome." Dr. Richardson
continues: "However, the symptoms of Lance Armstrong were much more
benign-a tendency to try to hold a fast cadence, a propensity to give
rivals the stink-eye as you attack, that kind of thing."
"The Landis version of this disease," concludes Richardson, "is a
bit terrifying."
Landis Contrite, Expresses Concerns for Future Mimics
For his part, Floyd Landis has expressed regret that he has not to this
point adequately explained that he is superhuman, and did not give a
"Don't Try This At Home" warning. "I'll try to be a little
more clear
about that in the future," said the Tour de France champion. "I've
already lost some sleep worrying about what other hip replacement
patients are going to go try to do when they see me destroy the field
again next year."

07-26-2006, 12:50 PM
'Yeah, you're Floyd Landis all
right. Too bad you're the Stage 16 version."