View Full Version : Floyd is so tough.....

07-21-2006, 07:57 AM
Floyd is so tough, he can race with testosterone patches plastered all over his back side.

Floyd is so tough, he can force his manager to make crank phone calls about pedophiles to former Tour Winners.

Floyd is so tough, he can fire said manager in front of packed court rooms.

Floyd is so tough, he can make his ties change colors by pure force of will (depending on his mood of course and whether a person is "dead" to him).

Floyd is so tough, he won't cry if his Tour title is ever taken away from him.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Floyd Landis.

Floyd Landis doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Floyd Landis has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Floyd Landis.

Floyd Landis does not sleep. He waits.

Floyd Landis is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Floyd Landis is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Floyd Landis counted to infinity - twice.

There is no shim on Floyd Landis' cleat. There is only another fist.

When Floyd Landis climbs a mountain, he isn’t riding up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Floyd Landis is so fast, he can ride around the world and slap himself in the back of the head.

Floyd Landis' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Floyd Landis was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Floyd Landis can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Floyd Landis doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Floyd Landis gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Floyd Landis can slam a revolving door.

Floyd Landis does not get frostbite. Floyd Landis bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching Floyd Landis ride his bike on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Floydtatorship.

When Floyd Landis calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Floyd Landis once ate a whole cake in a feed zone before his team mates could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Floyd Landis likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only events where Floyd Landis has beaten everyone to different shades of black and blue.

When Floyd Landis was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he side kicked the store with his bike so hard it became a Wendy's.

Floyd Landis can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims he leaves strewn along the race course. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Floyd Landis-delivered sprint is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Floyd Landis rides through water, Floyd Landis doesn't get wet. Water gets Floyd Landis.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1FLMTSrT (Floyd Landis mountain top sprint)

Floyd Landis house has no doors, only walls that he rides through.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Floyd Landis? ...All of it.

Floyd Landis doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Floyd Landis CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, one revolution of Floyd Landis' cranks could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

07-21-2006, 07:58 AM
Floyd Landis can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Floyd Landis has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Floyd Landis come back is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to one revolution of Floyd Landis' legs.

When stage 17 of the Tour was aired in France, the French surrendered to Floyd Landis just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Floyd Landis is easily capable of welding titanium.

When Floyd Landis attacks, everybody watches. And dies.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Floyd Landis calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Floyd Landis to go around.

Floyd Landis always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Floyd Landis" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Floyd Landis invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When you're Floyd Landis, anything + anything is equal to 1. One Tour win.

Floyd Landis has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Floyd Landis randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Floyd Landis.

Floyd Landis doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Floyd Landis throws down!

In the beginning there was nothing...then Floyd Landis rode that that nothing in the off his wheel and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Floyd Landis has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Floyd Landis grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Floyd Landis"

Floyd Landis ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Floyd Landis and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Floyd Landis getting his *** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Floyd Landis can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Floyd Landis doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Floyd Landis. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

It takes Floyd Landis 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream winning the Tour, then Floyd Landis will find you and kill you.

Floyd Landis has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way in front of the finish line.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Floyd Landis rode the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Floyd Landis is in France.

Floyd Landis doesn't believe in Germany.

When Floyd Landis is in the peloton, he doesn't ride around people. He rides through them.

Floyd Landis once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Floyd Landis to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Floyd Landis can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Floyd Landis came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Floyd Landis played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

07-21-2006, 08:00 AM


07-21-2006, 08:03 AM


Doh!! :crap:

Missed that one I guess. My participation on the forum has been spotty as of late. Though, I did change a few....


07-21-2006, 08:05 AM
If you found these somewhere, then good on you for sharing them with us!

If you made them all up yourself, then you're a genius--a terribly twisted genius with too much time on his hands and no useful life--but a genius, nevertheless! :beer:


07-21-2006, 09:59 AM
I'm a loyal watcher of the tour. I avoid the web as best I can so I'm up for the surprises shown on the evening rerun. Last night I had to attend a business dinner and got home too late to watch. The NYT today writes, "Paul Sherwen, a former professional cyclist who is now a race commentator for OLN, which is televising the Tour in the United States, said that he could not recall a performance like that of Landis." Futher, “I’ve been on the Tour for 28 years, and I’m racking my brain trying to think of something I can compare it to,” Sherwen said. “I think many people would also think of Claudio Chiappucci” — the Italian cyclist who became part of race lore largely thanks to long breakaways in the 1990 and 1992 editions of the race."

Did I just miss the grand slam?

07-21-2006, 11:25 AM
If you found these somewhere, then good on you for sharing them with us!

If you made them all up yourself, then you're a genius--a terribly twisted genius with too much time on his hands and no useful life--but a genius, nevertheless! :beer:


yer killin' me :rolleyes:



Ahneida Ride
07-21-2006, 11:31 AM
Uncle William,

Medication time !!! ;) :D :p :) :rolleyes:

07-21-2006, 01:41 PM
Did I just miss the grand slam?
If you haven't figured it out by now, yes, waaaaay missed it. Buy the DVD. Epic to say the very least.


07-21-2006, 06:57 PM
I could probably put up a 4GB ISO of it.

It would take a long time to DL, but could be done for those who have DVD burners.

07-23-2006, 09:38 PM
Mike Tyson has a poster of Floyd Landis on his wall.

07-24-2006, 07:07 AM
Floyd is so tough that he's already turned down 110 requests to fight the casts of Silver Spoons, The Brady Bunch, The Partridge Family, Family Affair, The Facts of Life, and Beretta all at one time on Celebrity boxing.

From Floyd's Agent: "Sorry, maiming former child stars just ain't cool in Floyd's book."

William :rolleyes:

07-24-2006, 10:53 AM
Hmmm, Floyd or Jack Bauer???

07-24-2006, 01:03 PM
When Clark Kent takes off his suit, Superman has a picture of Floyd Landis on his chest.