OT: leadership/work trip for my 17yo

[indyrider]

So as every parent of a teenager has most likely experienced, mine has now decided to shut down, lie, cheat, and just become down right mean. His grades are good, holds down a part time server job, and has always been a good kid.
I'm a psych nurse and have extensive experience working with kids, but when it comes to my own :crap::crap: :crap:

My wife and I are exploring leadership or mission trips for him to see the "real" world and get his hands dirty helping to improve or rebuild a community etc in a lower socioeconomic class in hopes that a little culture and hard work will improve his attitude. Not looking for a boot camp (not yet anyway) and doesnt matter if its affiliated with a religious entity or not.

Anyone have suggestions and/or success stories? Thanks for reading!

[eddief]

got no experience myself, but sometimes having one, two, or all in a room together with a trained psychologist can make a difference. Sending him off to camp sounds like "sweeping the problem out the door" maybe.

[malcolm]

My daughter, 15, is still thankfully a good kids and I think for the most part truthful with us. She does however have confidence issues and tends to linger in the shadows and not participate unless forced. Teachers have all loved her and she makes straight As, but most have commented on how she keeps a low profile.

She is doing a NOLS course this summer for two weeks. It was her own idea after a trip last year she and I took to yellowstone and a photographer she met was telling her about doing it when he was young. We are hopeful it will inspire her and bring her out of her shell a little. If not, well hey I'm still thankful for what I've got. Anyway that may be something you want to consider

http://www.nols.edu/

[indyrider]

Good point and we're looking into that as well. I'm thinking it's more of an entitlement or invincibility thing with him and hoping that being involved in a "hands on, outside of your bubble" trip will help.

[93legendti]

So as every parent of a teenager has most likely experienced, mine has now decided to shut down, lie, cheat, and just become down right mean. His grades are good, holds down a part time server job, and has always been a good kid.
I'm a psych nurse and have extensive experience working with kids, but when it comes to my own :crap::crap: :crap:

My wife and I are exploring leadership or mission trips for him to see the "real" world and get his hands dirty helping to improve or rebuild a community etc in a lower socioeconomic class in hopes that a little culture and hard work will improve his attitude. Not looking for a boot camp (not yet anyway) and doesnt matter if its affiliated with a religious entity or not.

Anyone have suggestions and/or success stories? Thanks for reading!

I am not sure how you get him to physically go on the trip if what you describe is accurate.

Based upon this "So as every parent of a teenager has most likely experienced, mine has now decided to shut down, lie, cheat, and just become down right mean. His grades are good, holds down a part time server job, and has always been a good kid"

I would look into alternate ways of talking/relating to your child. Good grades and a job, but lies to parents sounds pretty good for a teenager. Not great. Not ideal. But pretty good.

I only have the story of how my aunt and uncle ruined my cousin by expecting him to work and get good grades like my brothers and I ( we didn't work and didn't have his learning disability). I hope he is still on the wagon...last time I saw him he had been arrested again for driving while drunk.

[oldpotatoe]

So as every parent of a teenager has most likely experienced, mine has now decided to shut down, lie, cheat, and just become down right mean. His grades are good, holds down a part time server job, and has always been a good kid.
I'm a psych nurse and have extensive experience working with kids, but when it comes to my own :crap::crap: :crap:

My wife and I are exploring leadership or mission trips for him to see the "real" world and get his hands dirty helping to improve or rebuild a community etc in a lower socioeconomic class in hopes that a little culture and hard work will improve his attitude. Not looking for a boot camp (not yet anyway) and doesnt matter if its affiliated with a religious entity or not.

Anyone have suggestions and/or success stories? Thanks for reading!


Outward Bound, great for my kid when he was 15. Raft trip in Utah.

[eddief]

one of the simplest and most interesting models I learned in my days as an HR professional was something called the Johari Window. The most amazing stuff is that stuff we are doing but are unable to see in ourselves:

http://changingminds.org/disciplines/communication/models/johari_window.htm

[gomango]

I'd highly recommend you look into Outward Bound at your earliest convenience.

Their BWCA location is right across the lake from us. I see what they do with young adults all summer long.

Take the time to look into this, I can't imagine you would be disappointed.

http://www.outwardbound.org/

http://www.outwardbound.org/blog/practices-for-working-with-troubled-teens/

[weisan]

>>mine has now decided to shut down...

What might have prompted him to make that "decision"?
When did it happen?
Might be over time...but what was the trigger?
You may have to work backwards to find out.
It may take outside help to get him to talk openly and reveal his inner thoughts without fear of being misunderstood or judged.

[Ralph]

Are you forcing religion on him....and he is rebelling? When you mention mission trips....that's what comes to my mind.

[jlyon]

Now about 14 months later she has come back better than ever.

Why because she realized if she wanted a boyfriend, to get out of the house and get a life she needed to improve in all areas.

Mine was not even passing classes; she failed 3 as a second semester Sophomore.

She went to summer school and that I think was the big eye opener of what crowd she could end up in.

She did so well that the teacher asked her what she was doing in summer school.

Now the grades are back up and she has scored well on the SAT and ACT and want s to go out of town to college.

Why all the change? I think because she landed a good boyfriend who wants those same things.

Funny she still thinks of herself as the world's greatest daughter even though we still catch her in Lies but it has much improved in the last year

I have to admit she is a much better teenager than I was and I turned out OK.
But these are tough years her younger sister is now starting on the same track she was on.

It is hard for those of us with the "let go and let God" philosophy to actually practice it with or own kids.

[likebikes]

sign him up for the marines.

[verticaldoug]

So as every parent of a teenager has most likely experienced, mine has now decided to shut down, lie, cheat, and just become down right mean. His grades are good, holds down a part time server job, and has always been a good kid.
I'm a psych nurse and have extensive experience working with kids, but when it comes to my own :crap::crap: :crap:

My wife and I are exploring leadership or mission trips for him to see the "real" world and get his hands dirty helping to improve or rebuild a community etc in a lower socioeconomic class in hopes that a little culture and hard work will improve his attitude. Not looking for a boot camp (not yet anyway) and doesnt matter if its affiliated with a religious entity or not.

Anyone have suggestions and/or success stories? Thanks for reading!

I'd be quiet, watch him like a hawk, but let him work out whatever it is by himself. Boys might be different than girls (I have girls), but when we see changes, we usually just watch at first, but do speak to other parents in the school/friends to see if anything is going on in a broader sense.

Sometimes we just asked, but in your case, the son has shutdown so seems like he is pissed about something. You don't think it is some nasty peer group issue?

I agree a NOLS/camp/something else is just kind shipping the problem out.

[Birddog]

I sent my son to Outward Bound when he was about 15. He didn't have any negative issues but I thought he lacked confidence. If I had it to do over again, I would opt for NOLs as would he. In any case, it was a very positive experience for him. He is an avid camper hiker, outdoorsman to this day almost 20 years later. There were some misfits in his outfit, but he thought they all learned something positive about team work and getting along. Hiking 15 miles a day for 2 weeks will do that for you. Last year he hiked the Colorado trail, so the desire is still there.

[shovelhd]

Both of my kids have worked at leadership programs and volunteered at others. They are pretty motivated.

Which brings up how you would present these opportunities to him if he's shutting down. If it's a leadership position that pays, it could be a trade for the server job, but it's late in the game for this summer. OB is great but he has to want to go. How do you sell it? Is he looking at college? Is he concerned about getting into his top choice schools? What motivates him?

[Dude]

I was a good kid but I did the Student Conservation Association. I had to apply/get accepted but it was free for my parents (except airfare and whatever gear I needed) and lived in the mountains of Colorado for 5 weeks. Hard work, self sufficiency and social skills were the biggest things I gained.

It's similar to NOLS but different.

The big thing for me was that I was the driver and it was what I was interested in. My parents knew that they couldn't make me do something like that if I didn't want to.

I highly highly recommend it.

[sg8357]

sign him up for the marines.

That is what my Austrian grandfather did for my Dad,
at 17 signed him into the US Army, during the Korean War,
Eastern Europeans have interesting ideas of parenting.
Merchant Marine used to be a good choice too.

[fuzzalow]

Doing a specific action, in this case a work/leadership program, that is invoked as an action of redress rather than as a supplementary life experience? I don't think there is anyone that could tell you how that could possibly work out.

I have always viewed parenting as lifelong, front loaded, minutely incremental, cumulative and parental exemplary-based. Under these guiding precepts on how I've approached parenting, at 17 years old it would be very late to expect an dramatically oblique correction from current trajectory based solely on exposure to a leadership/work program. Know that this statement only reflects my view, my assessment, my child, my responsibility.

Which is not to say it may make a positive difference for you. Every circumstance has different and unlimited variables. Nobody could tell you otherwise what best to do. Good luck.

[indyrider]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. Lots of great advice and ideas, but more than anything else, it's good to read opinions and views outside of our bubble....Josh

[giverdada]

obviously, you're looking for ideas and therefore taking everything with a grain of salt, so i don't have to put up the usual disclaimer about not being expert at anything other than eating with a spoon. but: i'm not an expert and my girls are still approaching the teen years. goodness gracious.

that said, and assuming that figuring out the 'why' of the shut-down and everything else will happen, if you're just looking for a cool venue for pulling 180s in personality and self-confidence/awareness and all of that good stuff, i can't recommend camp highly enough. and that said, you're likely not in canada, but we've got this amazing thing here called Easter Seals, which is camp for kids with disabilities. my dad used to say, 'if you want to meet good people, go where good people go.' his take was that anyone with a fake ID could get into a bar, but only a certain kind of people could cut it in certain places. like others have suggested, those kinds of places are places like NOLS or the Marines or any military service, etc. my place was Easter Seals. met a lot of amazing people there, and it's not a service that is remotely for the faint of heart. really. i'll spare you the details, but suffice to say it does a whole lot to a person to take care of people his/her own age, who can't speak with their mouths or wipe their own butts or walk or eat or whatever. and to do that over a summer was the hardest and most enriching thing i'd ever done. i signed up because i knew it was a good place full of good people. there's no money in it but there's richness abounding.

note: i was the driver and had the varying duties of driving around a van full of wheelchairs and their occupants, and driving unsuitable individuals to the bus station with their one-way tickets outta there. not everyone who gets there is 'good', but the likelihood is huge.

anyway, i hope you and your kid figure things out for the better. hard times, parenting, and pretty much always worth it as far as i can tell, as a guy who has no answers and a lot of questions. best of luck.

nick.