OT: fasting and a...

[Seramount]

GI power-purge are on tap today in prep for my first colonoscopy tomorrow.

my normal lumberjack breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast, oatmeal, fruit, coffee was replaced with a glass of juice.

awesome. it's not even lunch time and I could eat a dead skunk and ask for seconds.

warming up some chicken broth...yum, looks like dirty water and will likely be as satisfying.

the weather is perfect and I'd like to go for a short ride, but the prospect of expending calories in my already 'weakened' state seems unwise since I won't be able to eat anything afterwards.

in two hours I get to start the laxative portion of the show...should be fun.

if you have any 'funny' colonoscopy stories, feel free to share. I could use a laugh...

[superbowlpats]

after mine my Dr told me I was a perfect a$$hole :banana:

[ColonelJLloyd]

Had my first one a couple weeks back. I'm an avid cook so I always have a freezer full of pretty complex stocks and broths. I may have had one cup of stock and a few beers the day before the procedure. Honestly, the hunger pangs weren't terrible for me. Whatever I took didn't call for starting the evacuation process until 5p.

In the recovery room I woke up, looked at clock and said to my wife, "Oh, wow, I fell asleep. They were supposed to come get me 45 minutes ago."

She replied, "Dude, you're done. Let's go."

Drugs FTW.

[teleguy57]

After mine I was a little loopy as well as sleepy. After taking me home and getting me set up to nap on the couch, my wife had to go out and decided that since she wasn't sure if I was all together yet that she should leave a note on the coffee table "You just had a colonoscopy; don't leave the couch until I get home."

For some reason she thinks that is funny and takes great delight in repeating the story for folks....

That reminds me that I'm almost due for my next one.... 10 years goes fast.

[tuscanyswe]

I have gone on more colonoscopies than one should have had at my age. Not my favorite pass time either. But compared to going down the throat i will do it all day long and smile. The other way is not a pleasant feeling for me. Not being able to control the muscles that makes you swallow after they spray your throat in order for the camera tube to go down doesn't help either. Pretty nasty feeling whilst a colonoscopy is at worst a little embarrassing.

Not beeing able to feel or move your limbs can be a kinda cool feeling. Not being able to swallow is just very scary for 30 min or so until the effects wear off.

[F150]

Had my first at 23; most recent at 53. Much prefer knocked out+flexible sigmoidoscope to wide awake+rigid version ca. 1985.

If you thought you can't stand Gatorade now, just wait a few hours. Make sure a magazine or two is within arms reach of throne. Or laptop.

[Seramount]

just dropped the first round of laxatives.

have to do a second round an hour later then drink some magnesium citrate...the doc recommended combining it with margarita mix (gag!) but decided to use a lime Jarritos (mexican soda) instead...

magazines and a NYT crossword puzzle on standby in the throne room...

waiting, waiting...

[PaulE]

Make the appointment well in advance and always schedule it for the first one they do in the day - 6:30 or 7:00 AM. You go to bed tired and empty the night before and get it over with first thing the next morning, before delays start happening and pushing the later appointments back. And when you're finished you can stop and have breakfast on your way home if you're up for it.

[Louis]

I really look forward to the play-by-play on this thread...

[Louis]

By the way, instead of doing laxatives, why couldn't someone just drink "acceptable" products for several days? Seems that that would be a much more natural, less time-consuming, way to prepare and surely one could get enough calories with a liquid-only diet.

[verticaldoug]

Without a GoPro, it'd didnt happen.

[kevinvc]

just dropped the first round of laxatives.

have to do a second round an hour later then drink some magnesium citrate...the doc recommended combining it with margarita mix (gag!) but decided to use a lime Jarritos (mexican soda) instead...

magazines and a NYT crossword puzzle on standby in the throne room...

waiting, waiting...

And now, my friend, you are about to endure what was for me far and away the worst part of the entire thing.

Good luck and best wishes for boring test results.

[tuscanyswe]

By the way, instead of doing laxatives, why couldn't someone just drink "acceptable" products for several days? Seems that that would be a much more natural, less time-consuming, way to prepare and surely one could get enough calories with a liquid-only diet.

It would most likely work very well if it was practiced by the patients. Just seem like so many would not be able to do this kind of diet for enough days. Most likely easier for the medical team to just prescribe laxatives.

[Louis]

magazines and a NYT crossword puzzle on standby in the throne room...

waiting, waiting...

OK, we need to get down to the nitty-gritty details here - I hope there are also wet-wipes available to ease things a bit...

[2LeftCleats]

When the Gatorade looks the same going out as going in, you're ready.

[PaulE]

By the way, instead of doing laxatives, why couldn't someone just drink "acceptable" products for several days? Seems that that would be a much more natural, less time-consuming, way to prepare and surely one could get enough calories with a liquid-only diet.

Wouldn't a lot of the general population still have a lot of stuff in their intestines even after several days of not eating?

[Louis]

Wouldn't a lot of the general population still have a lot of stuff in their intestines even after several days of not eating?

That's exactly what I'm wondering. Not to get into too graphic detail, but in my case I think the process works faster than that.

[OtayBW]

The worst part of it for me was going into the store to purchase enough laxative to stop the Roman army. I was more comfortable trying to buy condoms as a teenager.....

[Louis]

BTW, we having heard back for the OP in a while.

I hope everything is coming out alright...

[Seramount]

BTW, we having heard back for the OP in a while.

I hope everything is coming out alright...

been an hour since the Mg citrate cocktail...nuttin' happening so far.

having some yummy broth and jello while I wait...

[559Rando]

I have a couple things to look up to make you snicker:
1) David Sedaris had a great piece about how much his sister loves her colonoscopies
2) some comedians get their colonoscopies together. I think that came up this season or last in Comedians in Car Getting Coffee...but I can't remember details right now.

[OtayBW]

been an hour since the Mg citrate cocktail...nuttin' happening so far.

having some yummy broth and jello while I wait...
I would take some more. Seriously. If it's not working, I would seriously take more. You don't want to be caught with your pants down on this.

[Louis]

I would take some more. Seriously. If it's not working, I would seriously take more. You don't want to be caught with your pants down on this.

Were you provided with instructions on how to use the stuff and what to expect?

I'd follow those. I'm sure it will all work out in the end.

If that doesn't work there's always this method:

http://www.coloncancer.lv/mape/postoperative_colonic_lavage_engl.jpg

[Seramount]

I would take some more. Seriously. If it's not working, I would seriously take more. You don't want to be caught with your pants down on this.

the prep guide says wait 1-3 hrs for results, only been 2 so far.

but, went out and bought a second bottle of citrate just to 'cover my azz' so to speak...

[Louis]

Whatever you do, don't think of this:

http://www.civileblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/brick-types.jpg

[Louis]

Think of this:

http://world.new7wonders.com/content/themes/maxx-wp/functions/thumb.php?src=http://world.new7wonders.com/content/uploads/2011/10/iguazu068.jpg&w=611&h=420

[Ken Robb]

The worst part of it for me was going into the store to purchase enough laxative to stop the Roman army. I was more comfortable trying to buy condoms as a teenager.....

Well there was more to look forward to then.:D

[Ken Robb]

Broth and Jello? Lucky you! I didn't get to have anything but water before I started the purging.

[oldpotatoe]

I have gone on more colonoscopies than one should have had at my age. Not my favorite pass time either. But compared to going down the throat i will do it all day long and smile. The other way is not a pleasant feeling for me. Not being able to control the muscles that makes you swallow after they spray your throat in order for the camera tube to go down doesn't help either. Pretty nasty feeling whilst a colonoscopy is at worst a little embarrassing.

Not beeing able to feel or move your limbs can be a kinda cool feeling. Not being able to swallow is just very scary for 30 min or so until the effects wear off.

I got both ends done last time BUT was given something, and didn't remember anything, did the one down the throat first. Semi conscious...

[fellowpicker]

If a picture is worth 1000 words then ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI1go72c5H8

[summilux]

Good luck on this. After the laxatives, I had to drink 4 liters of some liquid in 2 hours or something like that. That was the really tough part. I hope your TP is super soft because you are going to be using it a lot.

I got offered the choice of anasthetic or not. I took the anasthetic.

[merlinmurph]

the prep guide says wait 1-3 hrs for results, only been 2 so far.


Wow, my last one was within the year. I remember how fast the first prep worked. Like, about 15 minutes REALLY fast. And very effective.

Good luck with the results.

[tuscanyswe]

Good luck on this. After the laxatives, I had to drink 4 liters of some liquid in 2 hours or something like that. That was the really tough part. I hope your TP is super soft because you are going to be using it a lot.

I got offered the choice of anasthetic or not. I took the anasthetic.

I dont understand this. I wasn't offered anesthetic nore would i have needed it. One is barely able to feel this procedure for the most part imo.

anasthetic is a risk, why would they offer this for this kind of procedure?

[MikeD]

Is this the origin of the term "asplosion"?

[Seramount]

the second citrate didn't do much, so I googled it found several mentions of drinking lots of water. the prep guide I was given had no such recommendations...kinda odd.

downed a quart of water and within 15 min, things were jumping. stayed up until midnite answering the 'call' about every 20 min...finally went to bed and made it thru the nite with 3 or 4 additional pit stops.

at the clinic, I was told I would be 'sedated' and had to sign a form allowing them to administer such. they wheeled me into the procedure room, hooked up to the machinery, and I kept waiting for them to put me under, but nothing happened...

the tv monitor fired up, doc inserted the probe, and I watched the entire procedure. virtually no sensations associated with it and it was over in 10 min. completely uneventful, no polyps detected and nothing required removal which was good.

in the recovery room, got dressed, signed some release forms, and was dismissed. nurse said I was good for another 10 years. she said I wasn't to drive or do any strenuous activity for the rest of the day...I may not drive, but pretty sure I'm getting on the bike in a few hours. it's 70F and gorgeous.

making a GINORMOUS breakfast now...!

[bking]

When you think your're done, you're not done. If you're able to get off the throne at all, sleep in something you can throw away and on a sheet of visquine (plastic). Don't sleep in your bed!
Read the following carefully, yes i know it's long, but you'll be glad you did and he's not kidding:
OK. You turned 50. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven't. Here are your reasons:

1. You've been busy.

2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family.

3. You haven't noticed any problems.

4. You don't want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt.

Let's examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let's not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human, even a medical human, becoming deeply involved in what is technically known as your ''behindular zone'' gives you the creeping willies.

I know this because I am like you, except worse. I yield to nobody in the field of being a pathetic weenie medical coward. I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone. It's much worse when I come into physical contact with the medical profession. More than one doctor's office has a dent in the floor caused by my forehead striking it seconds after I got a shot.

In 1997, when I turned 50, everybody told me I should get a colonoscopy. I agreed that I definitely should, but not right away. By following this policy, I reached age 55 without having had a colonoscopy. Then I did something so pathetic and embarrassing that I am frankly ashamed to tell you about it.

What happened was, a giant 40-foot replica of a human colon came to Miami Beach. Really. It's an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote awareness of colo-rectal cancer. The idea is, you crawl through the Colossal Colon, and you encounter various educational items in there, such as polyps, cancer and hemorrhoids the size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ''Whoa, I better find out if I contain any of these things,'' and you get a colonoscopy.

If you are as a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it. So I went to Miami Beach and crawled through the Colossal Colon. I wrote a column about it, making tasteless colon jokes. But I also urged everyone to get a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the Colossal Colon, signed a pledge stating that I would get one.

But I didn't get one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was practically a member of Congress.

Five more years passed. I turned 60, and I still hadn't gotten a colonoscopy. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my brother Sam, who is 10 years younger than I am, but more mature. The email was addressed to me and my middle brother, Phil. It said:

``Dear Brothers,

``I went in for a routine colonoscopy and got the dreaded diagnosis: cancer. We're told it's early and that there is a good prognosis that they can get it all out, so, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that. And of course they told me to tell my siblings to get screened. I imagine you both have.''

Um. Well.

First I called Sam. He was hopeful, but scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ``HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!''

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.

''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

''Ha ha,'' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking ``Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .''

. . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

But my point is this: In addition to being a pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a decade I avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my life for nothing.

If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was -- if, when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and avoided getting screened -- he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn't have known. And by the time he did know -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his situation would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Sam is now recovering and eating what he describes as ''really, really boring food.'' His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.

Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn't-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here's the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don't. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don't have cancer, believe me, it's very reassuring to know you don't. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done.

I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 3511 NW 91st Ave., Miami, FL, 33172. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and suitable for framing if you don't mind framing a cheesy certificate, stating that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this certificate will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper with an image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in whatever other way you deem fit.

But even if you don't want this inducement, please get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don't put it off. Just do it.

Be sure to stress that you want the non-Abba version.



©2008 Dave Barry
This column is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary links to this column at www.miamiherald.com may be posted or distributed without written permission.


Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html#storylink=cpy

[bking]

deleted. sorry.

[soulspinner]

I need to get this done and I keep putting it off.

[summilux]

I dont understand this. I wasn't offered anesthetic nore would i have needed it. One is barely able to feel this procedure for the most part imo.

anasthetic is a risk, why would they offer this for this kind of procedure?

It seemed to be the SOP for the procedure here in Canada. They did explain the risks and the one they gave me didn't fully put me to sleep. No real after effects. Laid in bed for about 20 minutes after the procedure and then was good to go.

[summilux]

If you haven't done this, you should.

The down sides are 24 hours of fasting and several hours of diarrhea. It's not pleasant but not really horrible either. For me, the procedure was painless. I took the anaesthetic and had no issues. Total time in the clinic was 2.5 hours.

The real upside is peace of mind. At 50, knowing people younger than me who have had health issues and who have passed away, I sometimes feel like a ticking time bomb. Having done this has bought me a little bit of calm. Totally makes up for downsides.

Oh and no one is going to make you do any household chores for AT LEAST 24 hours.

[YoKev]

If you're prepping and you think you have to fart...

Don't.

It's not a fart.