Ridng with the Better Half

[a100mark]

So here is a tough one, that I admit I have little experience with......

My better half and I both ride. Up until lately we were both pretty evenly matched on rides. (I have more weight on me than she does, so that obviously slows me down). I have since hired a cycling coach who has got me training 5 days a week, which I love. Last night, on a local group ride/training for me, I rode a faster pace than she did. Although, I was in the lead group, we never really broke away leaving those of us behind out of sight. However, we def did kick up the pace for those trying to follow.
After we stopped to allow the "dropped, but still in sight riders" to catch back on, I was in big trouble with her.

So my question is this.....How do you successfully ride with your better half, while still trying to improve, but not end up getting divorced? Thoughts, comments?

[Larry D]

a100mark,

I have a similiar situation. My wife rides, but our cycling goals and abilities are much different. I enjoy riding with her and when I ride with her, I ride at her pace. This is a much slower and relaxed pace than I normally cycle at, but I get to see more scenery and it is very enjoyable. These make for a very good recovery ride. She has no problem with my going off on club rides or centuries and I do not try to induce her very far out of her comfort zone otherwise she will stop cycling because she will no longer enjoy it. We have the same situatioin when ity comes to kayaking.

I am trying to get her to try a tandem and that way we can ride together.

Hoipefully this has been of some help.

[Onno]

Isn't it odd how such seemingly trivial matters can turn into such marriage-threatening problems? I still haven't figured this out, really--that is, I don't understand all that's at stake. Through much trial and even more error, though, I have a few suggestions. First, ride behind your wife! Or at least let her lead much of the time (it can come to seem patronizing if you always do this, of course). Also, it's amazing how great people look in lycra, ain't it? Second, go on rides just with her. Big groups have too many other complicated dynamics to deal with. If you do ride in big groups, stick with her group.

The simple deal here is that if you've gone out to ride together (or ski together, or run together, or hike together, etc.), you stick together. If you want to be competitive, enter a race. The other not so simple deal is that it helps to try to talk these things out beforehand. I remember early in my marriage entering a half-marathon that my wife and I had trained for together. At the start line I took off (it's a race, right?!). At the end, I waited for her happy as a duck. She was so pissed, she didn't speak to me for a week--she figured we'd race together (but that's not a race!?). I'm coming to know what needs to be negotiated, and what doesn't.

Onno

[Sandy]

Your solution seems excellent. Trying a tandem would be a great way of riding together even with different riding abilities.


Solution Sandy

[Smiley]

Larry D has the right idea about trying a tandem , when I ride with my wife on singles I go out using my fixee and she rides her Legend Ti and trust me I get as good a work out as anybody..... go fixed and you may never go back :)

[spiderman]

in a variety of settings...the two of us alone
with another friend or two,
on group rides...which she doesn't particularly like
and event rides which she loves.
on occasion she can tell i feel the need for speed
and go out on an interval
or catch some peleton and pass them
on the way to the next town.
she doesn't mind one bit
because we ride so much together
at other times.
...and when i do break away
she has said that it makes her feel faster, too...
...maybe she'll chime in...
and give us more insight!
rule number one: affirm her riding
rule number two: have fun
rule number three: figure out your gearing to ride at her pace.

[Bradford]

Before tandem: miserable experience that led to many arguments.

After tandem: great experience, made our relationship better.

But...tandem riding is not single riding. It is completly different. We love it, but if hangning with the lead pack or keeping to a training schedule is your bag, you may not. When on my half-bike, I ride the way I want for that day; when on the tandem, I ride the way the tandem (and the stoker) wants for that day.

[Ti Designs]

So my question is this.....How do you successfully ride with your better half, while still trying to improve, but not end up getting divorced? Thoughts, comments?


I am divorced, so my advice may not be worth the electrons that put it up on the screen, but here goes anyway...

The fastest riders I know spend 80% of their time on the bike below 15 MPH and the other 20% closer to 30 MPH. The way I see it, that means thay you're in serious training mode 20% of the time, the rest of the time you can ride with anyone you want. The seperation of these two modes of riding makes everything better. It makes the hard training really hard - which it needs to be, and it makes riding with slower riders a pure pleasure. There's no pressure at all, no reason to worry, just a nice easy ride. Put it in a smaller gear than everybody else and spin.

When it comes to riding with groups of slower riders and still getting in my own training, I'm something of an expert. I coach a cycling team which every fall is made up of lots of new riders with a few experianced racers thrown into the mix. It's a group ride, I'm not trying to get people lost in the western suburbs, so my job is to keep the group together. Most of the racers take off and ride away, going hard most of the time (in the fall???). I find that the better workout is staying with the slower group and keeping them together. Most of the ride is super slow, talking the whole way. Then there are times when I have to get up to the rest of the group which is up the road - interval time!!!

You may even find that there's more to gain by this than just being able to ride with someone who's slower than you. I find it establishes a level of trust which is needed to coach riders. Novice rider logic has always baffled me. The slowest riders are the ones who don't draft and are always last to leave from any stop - it's like they are trying to get launched off the back. With a little trust I can get them past that. They start to draft, they pay attention to when the group leaves from a stop. They start to learn how to ride with a group - teach your better half that and your problems [on the bike] vanish.

As for the tandem, it's not for everyone. A bike shop that specializes in tandems should give any couple looking to purchase one a whole education on what tandems are all about. This includes taking out the captain in the stoker position to give them a feel for what the stoker's job and ride are like - I love that part. I make all the mistakes a first time captain makes, leaning the bike while standing, riding way close to things, hitting potholes without warning... Then I take out the stoker and do everything right. This gives the couple a feel for what their jobs are on the tandem, and what should or shouln't happen. Then I put them both on a tandem and let them test ride...

[slowgoing]

Sounds to me like your Better Half better let up a bit lest she become one of your Better Thirds.

[znfdl]

When my wife was an avid cyclist and racer she was quite understanding. Ceratin types of rides she excelled at while I excelled at other types. My wife was a much better crit racer than I was. My strengths were long rides and climbing. On rides where it was important to stay together we made sure that we rode at each others pace. For hard work out group rides, whoever felt better was allowed to go on their own.

There is a time place for riding together and for going it alone.

Also as other have stated, a tandem does wonders.

[Tailwinds]

The fastest riders I know spend 80% of their time on the bike below 15 MPH and the other 20% closer to 30 MPH. The way I see it, that means thay you're in serious training mode 20% of the time, the rest of the time you can ride with anyone you want. The seperation of these two modes of riding makes everything better. It makes the hard training really hard - which it needs to be, and it makes riding with slower riders a pure pleasure. There's no pressure at all, no reason to worry, just a nice easy ride. Put it in a smaller gear than everybody else and spin.



When I was racing, that's how I trained. Then, I could do my "easy" days w/my husband when he felt like riding. I'd let him know beforehand if I had a hard day planned, and he would do his own thing or we would regroup.

Now, he doesn't ride and I haven't been racing, so I just ride however I feel like on a particular day. I think I might actually be stronger riding this way, too. Go figure.

[spiderman]

[QUOTE=Larry D]a100mark,

We have the same situatioin when ity comes to kayaking.

QUOTE]

until this year
most of our paddling was tandem.
this year, though
my wife has taken over my single
current designs solstice gts...
...i can't keep up with her!!
she likes tandem riding and paddling
but enjoys the command of her own rig
whether on the road or through the water it seems...

[Too Tall]

Obvious answer, get her a coach.

Not so obvious...talk about each rides expectations hers and yours. She enjoys time together so keep it simple.

When Queen and I are on fast group rides I will either hammer the first 1/2 or the second but not both so that we can ride together at some point. Some of the MOST enjoyable and rewarding time I've spent on single bikes is watching her crush hills.

[Skrawny]

I've been on two dates on a bike. Both were with girls that had a fairly competitive side. Both girls knew I do a lot of bike riding.

First one I rode at her pace up the hill - she later complained because I made her feel bad because I made it look easy.

Second one (different girl) I said "everyone rides a hill at a different pace, whomever gets to the top first can wait for the other." I got to the top first, then she rolled up, crying.

I don't ride bikes on dates anymore.

-s

[Bradford]

I don't ride bikes on dates anymore.


One day, my wife and I were out for a ride that included a long hill. I slowed down to her pace and she was pissed. So the next time, I rode at my own pace, but when I got to the top, I rode down to the bottom and started up again. As I was passing her, she looked at me and said "we are buying a tandem." We have ridden happily ever after since.

I tell people my marriage counselor's name is Doug Mackenzie and he works at Belmont Wheelworks. It may have cost us as much as traditional therapy, but at least we got a bike out of the deal. :banana:

[Fixed]

bro what ti said... and get her a coach too ..you do all the pulling .
cheers

[jkap]

My wife got into riding a couple of years after I did, the result of her getting me (us) a Backroads trip for a milestone birthday. She came along and sorta fell in love with the roads, and I soon secured an entry level road bike for her. She was "drafted" into riding an MS150, and now has done so for 5 years and has completed 2 centuries! She graduated to a very nice mid-level road bike which is perfect for her and she seems to love it. She rides to her own drummer, so to speak, (meaning specific weather only, no pre-ride agengda on pace, route, time, whatever) and I to mine, but despite what she'll tell you, most of the time I really enjoy our "group" rides, which I try to make happen at least one day a weekend, the other day being when I ride with my club. At first, we tried everything, from me leaving earlier, doing a bit longer loop and catching up with her to finish togther, to her leaving earlier and me catching up....same finish, to riding together. Leaving together worksbest, and here are some ground rules which have worked for me/us. 1. KEEP MOUTH SHUT ABOUT TECHNIQUE, ETC! Enjoy the time together, ride at the slower rider's pace (it COULD be the man, you know!) this is about being together and doing something you both enjoy. It's about the journey, not the destination. TEACH BY EXAMPLE, RATHER THAN BY MOUTH. If one starts calling out obsticals, doing hand signals, shifting at "proper" times, setting a suitable pace for a draft, etc., sooner or later the other catches on (or just thinks you're a total dork!) 2. When one apoligizes about pace (usually the slowness of) repeat "I'M HERE FOR THE COMPANY AND TO BE WITH YOU---SLOWER MEANS MORE TIME SPENT TOGETHER!!" Try to sound sincere when saying it. Before you know it, you might actually mean it. 3. If the urge to pick it up on a hill or a straight overcomes one, plan on a regroup at the next stoplight, sign, or "designated" rendevous spot.4. END ALL RIDES (AM) WITH A COFFEE STOP at your favorite venue, hopefully one where other couples will see you, know you've been together, and you wind up being a role model. END ALL RIDES WITH A POST-RIDE KISS, no matter what kind of good natured bickering may have taken place along the way. Be happy that you and your sig other have found something you both enjoy that's good for you that you can do together. The act of being together will be remembered long after the quality has been forgotten. Happy pedaling!

[Silverthump]

Wy wife and have been married 36 years and together 6 years before that.

I am a TYPE A overachiever and she is just the oppositie.
I love our rides together as I ride ahead (she enourages) and then I will circle back behind her. I do this untill I start to fatigue and then I ride with behind her or pull in my draft.

Enyjoy and ecourage her!
Unless you plan to win the TDF and sacrifice your family for training!

I heard that nobody dies wishing they worked more, wonder if the same thing could be said for our compulsive training? (Of which I am guilty)

[jckid]

My ex-husband and I always rode together. He was a bit faster than me, but we always stayed together on rides. He always rode in front, which allowed me to draft behind. I could maintain a pace about 3mph faster when drafting. It worked out pretty good, because he got a good workout being in the lead, and I didn't get worn out. Now that I do most of my riding alone, I find that I can't maintain the speed I could back then. I think it's probably because I have no one to draft behind, but maybe it's just that I'm older now!

My new husband is not a cyclist, but he does like to go on a couple of short rides during the week. I always go at his pace when I ride with him. I think he would be discouraged if I took off and left him in the dust! I do my faster riding when I ride alone, and I enjoy our shorter slower rides together. When we ride together it's more about spending quality time together than it is about having a quality workout.

[shoe]

skrawny's story --funny-- when the date starts to cry that is usually a good sign that it may not be going so well. i think the key is what many have said. communication and know each others expectations - things will change and how do you find a way to make it work....dave

[Ozz]

Was she ticked at the whole group that went ahead, or just you? Was the understanding that you and or the whole group would ride together?

You are training 5 days per week...it sounds like she is not. Is she ticked at you, or at herself cuz she couldn't keep up?

Or, did she think you were going to ride side by side the whole day?

It sounds like she needs to understand your goals when you head out on rides together. On a group training ride, she should know if you intend to push the pace.

If she wants to improve at the same pace, she should get a coach too.

BTW - I don't ride with my wife. But if I did, I would not drop her...ever. ;)

[Ginger]

This sounds drastic, but if you guys can't talk about expectations for your riding and the only answer you hear is "I'm mad because I thought we were riding together" on a group ride...a counseler may be in order. You need to discuss just what the issue was without placing blame from either side on either side. There's some insecurity there that isn't being admitted.

You've got a new coach, a new love (cycling) that's eating your time. Is your wife afraid you're going to "ride away from her" both on the ride and in life?


Personally, I tell guys that I ride with to do hill repeats or intervals if I'm slower than they are. Does two things: 1 gets them more of a workout 2 lets me watch them go up the hill again or past me. If it's a good hill, it's good entertainment...especially if they've got nice calves...or the hill is good enough to cause some pain...but if your wife isn't that confident to suggest it herself, it probably won't work as a solution, and certainly not on big group rides.

[Avispa]

This sounds drastic, but if you guys can't talk about expectations for your riding and the only answer you hear is "I'm mad because I thought we were riding together" on a group ride...a counseler may be in order. You need to discuss just what the issue was without placing blame from either side on either side. There's some insecurity there that isn't being admitted.

Could not agree more with Ginger....

...After we stopped to allow the "dropped, but still in sight riders" to catch back on, I was in big trouble with her.

....How do you successfully ride with your better half, while still trying to improve....

I am glad I don't have a riding partner of any kind!!! Not, that I don't like riding with the ladies, anyway...

I believe that it is very important to talk about the ride BEFORE hand, and that includes guys, not just women. I have had situations when I go riding with someone and they say: "Let's go easy..." but they just try to take off on me! Then, when I drop them, they get angry!

I have had girlfriends that raced/rode and we got to ride with a lot of the women of the CU Boulder Team and the local women teams. These tough women, however, knew very well that the guys abilities [on the bike, needless to say] were far more than theirs, so we only rode with them on our easy days and lower intensity days. By doing this we achieved the best of both worlds. They got a nice hard workout and we learned to pace ourselves on easy days. More than anything, we wanted to remain gentlemen and impress the ladies! ;) so... no attacking or dropping them. In the same token, these ladies told us that if they had non-racing boyfriends/husbands, they would not train with them to avoid problems.

Now, riding with a wife/girlfriend can be even harder to explain sometimes, because some of us fail to undertand the needs of the other when we exercise. This has created divorces and brake-ups... I used to have a girlfriend that could not understand why I needed more than one pair of cycling shorts!

[Ginger]

I'm pretty good about being dropped, I'm not a racer and I understand sometimes my buddies just need to get out there and hit it. But I will admit to being pissed off when someone says "Lets go for a ride together" and he winds up riding about 30' out in front and keeping that same distance during most of the ride...and obviously coasting once in a while to continue going that slow, but not slow enough to ride *with* me...even though he's riding the same speed as I am...staying just in front of me but not letting me get close enough to draft. ***

Dude...If I wanted to go ride by myself, I'd pick better scenery. :)

[shaq-d]

ya..what she said.. just ride with her. otherwise you can't call it riding "with".

sd

[znfdl]

I tell people my marriage counselor's name is Doug Mackenzie and he works at Belmont Wheelworks. It may have cost us as much as traditional therapy, but at least we got a bike out of the deal. :banana:

That is why my wife got a tandem instead of a diamond ring to celebrate our engagement, which was 14 years ago.

[Ti Designs]

I tell people my marriage counselor's name is Doug Mackenzie and he works at Belmont Wheelworks.

I feel like such an idiot now...

[mwos]

My SO got me into riding 25 years ago. I thought we were going to ride "together" but he was so much stronger than me that it was a losing battle. I accepted the fact that we were riding the same route but not together. We didn't do much group riding back then and I didn't feel comfortable with club groups anyway. So for years I rode by myself with him checking on me from time to time.

Mostly, I accept this arrangement but three years ago he started riding with the local club and had a riding partner. She was supposed to be a slower rider, slower than her boyfriend so he was mentoring her. They had been riding together for 2-3 months (he's retired and she didn't work full time). I worked full time and had about half as much time in the saddle as they did. He invited me to ride with them, the way he described her I thought I would have someone to ride with. They took off and left me, only stopping at turns to wait to make sure I made them (I didn't know the route very well). It was a very windy day and I struggled in the wind, by myself, while they were so far ahead of me I couldn't see them. When I caught up they would speed off. I felt like his tag-along little sister. I asked him why he invited me and he said he thought I could ride faster! Once again, I was better off riding by myself. :mad:

Sometimes we ride in the same group together and I don't ride with him, expect him to wait for me or depend on him for any reason. I try to stay close to the ride leader and sometimes he gets in front of me which hurts me because he slows my pace and I end up losing the leader.

When we ride together he will ride very fast ahead of me or get in front of me and slow down! Then my speed and cadence drops, but if I say something he speeds way ahead so I can't possibly catch him!

Riding a tandem is totally out for us. We'd not be able to agree on anything. Drafting is also impossible, he's very inconsistent, one minute 2-3 mph slower than my pace, or he speeds up and loses me! Then he tells me I'm to slow!

He is also known for changing the route without telling me. We'll start on a 30 mile ride and end up doing 50 because he decides at the last minute to go another way or gets lost.

Fortunately for me I've been able to find groups that I fit into without depending on riding with him all the time and I have routes that I can ride by myself.

He also used to critize me for wanting to do training rides when I'm out riding. I've solved that problem by doing my workouts on the trainer after I come back from a ride.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Kathi