OT: Today Matters (Very Personal Rant)

[firerescuefin]

My dad is dying...combination of stage 4 lung cancer, COPD, and Prostate Cancer. He will not make it another 4-6 months.

My mother died from chronic drug and alcohol abuse.

My brother and I spent 3-4 years in foster homes growing up. My experience was good. I was blessed to live with a family that were genuinely good people. My brother was not. 2 years of his was spent in essentially a work camp where he claims he was sexually abused.

I was blessed to have great friends, 3 in particular (and their families) through junior high and high school. I am close with them to this day. They knew the deal and although they could not formally take me in, I lived at their houses and I learned what it was to be cared for, and I learned what loving families looked like through them.

When I found out my mom past away. I had no reaction other than felt sad for what she missed out on as a mother, mother in law, and grandmother. I battled with the lack of feeling of grief. To be blunt I thought I must be some sort of asshole, but at the end of the day...it was what it was.

I don't like my dad. He was an abusive/narcasistic prick. He showed no interest in me growing up, and although he has 3 grandsons, he has shown little to no interest in them....despite that we have made them available and continued to try to get him to engage in some sort of relationship with them. He is not interested....which was/is just fine with me. Fortunately my wife's parents are the world's greatest grandparents and my kids will be spared the bad and will only know the good.

I have a wonderful wife. I married up, and could not ask for more...as both a spouse and mom. I have 3 wonderful little boys...that I absolutely delight in every day.

So back to my dad. I have no feeling regarding his upcoming death. To be honest, it will be a relief on some level. I've tried to talk to him over the last 10 years about the past and set things right between the two of us. This was not about accusations and what he did and what he wasn't. He made it clear he wasn't interested. I will not carry any guilt about what we didn't talk about. Yet, I still feel like a asshole. This will be the second parent of mine that will die....that I will have no reaction either way. And there is another part of me that is pissed off because the bad/lack of real relationship with my parents has left me in a place that their deaths mean little to nothing to me. It shouldn't be that way.

So, why do I say "today matters"...because each day is a part of the mosaic of life and how you love those around you today...matters. How you love your kids and how you acknowledge them and care for them today....matters. How you choose to care and love the people in that happen in to your lives (like me in the lives of my friends and their families) today....matters.

Those relationships are not built, won, or lost, in dramatic moments. They flourish or decay in the simple moments that take place/or don't every day. Life is rarely sexy, and we don't have the perspective to see how today affects tomorrow or 30 years from tomorrow, but it certainly does.

Thanks for listening.

I need to go for a long bike ride.

[soulspinner]

Lost my mom at 68 to alcoholism. My brother took his own life at 26, an engineer with a 6 month old marriage, needless to say it was unexpected. In both cases alcohol and depression played a roll.

Hang in there and tell yourself you cant help who your father is and be proud of who you are. The hardest thing for me is to not pass on the symptoms of dysfunction observed or learned from my mother. Her impatience, anxiety, negativism.

Oddly enough when she passed I got some peace, feel love for her and forgiveness for her actions. Hope you do too. Its not you fault bro......

Peace to you and yours and stay on the bike....
Dennis

[clyde the point]

I don't think that a BR is enough. You seem like you need someone to talk to. Reconciling those feelings will keep you from repeating unwanted behavior patterns in your life.

I hear a lot of anger and grief. IMHO you need to direct those emotions with guidance.

Feel free to email me offline if you wish. I had a similar but not the same upbringing. It's taken a lot of years of recovery to find my place in life.

Best to you either way.

[fuzzalow]

Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

What happened isn't from you or due to you but put on you. The right thing was to turn the other cheek and move on which is as you have done. I hear this not as anger on your part but rueful as to wasted opportunity.

You did not perpetuate the same inhumanity into another generation of your own or your kin, the bad stopped at you and what you bore from them. You did good. Don't worry about them.

[oldpotatoe]

My dad is dying...combination of stage 4 lung cancer, COPD, and Prostate Cancer. He will not make it another 4-6 months.

My mother died from chronic drug and alcohol abuse.

My brother and I spent 3-4 years in foster homes growing up. My experience was good. I was blessed to live with a family that were genuinely good people. My brother was not. 2 years of his was spent in essentially a work camp where he claims he was sexually abused.

I was blessed to have great friends, 3 in particular (and their families) through junior high and high school. I am close with them to this day. They knew the deal and although they could not formally take me in, I lived at their houses and I learned what it was to be cared for, and I learned what loving families looked like through them.

When I found out my mom past away. I had no reaction other than felt sad for what she missed out on as a mother, mother in law, and grandmother. I battled with the lack of feeling of grief. To be blunt I thought I must be some sort of asshole, but at the end of the day...it was what it was.

I don't like my dad. He was an abusive/narcasistic prick. He showed no interest in me growing up, and although he has 3 grandsons, he has shown little to no interest in them....despite that we have made them available and continued to try to get him to engage in some sort of relationship with them. He is not interested....which was/is just fine with me. Fortunately my wife's parents are the world's greatest grandparents and my kids will be spared the bad and will only know the good.

I have a wonderful wife. I married up, and could not ask for more...as both a spouse and mom. I have 3 wonderful little boys...that I absolutely delight in every day.

So back to my dad. I have no feeling regarding his upcoming death. To be honest, it will be a relief on some level. I've tried to talk to him over the last 10 years about the past and set things right between the two of us. This was not about accusations and what he did and what he wasn't. He made it clear he wasn't interested. I will not carry any guilt about what we didn't talk about. Yet, I still feel like a asshole. This will be the second parent of mine that will die....that I will have no reaction either way. And there is another part of me that is pissed off because the bad/lack of real relationship with my parents has left me in a place that their deaths mean little to nothing to me. It shouldn't be that way.

So, why do I say "today matters"...because each day is a part of the mosaic of life and how you love those around you today...matters. How you love your kids and how you acknowledge them and care for them today....matters. How you choose to care and love the people in that happen in to your lives (like me in the lives of my friends and their families) today....matters.

Those relationships are not built, won, or lost, in dramatic moments. They flourish or decay in the simple moments that take place/or don't every day. Life is rarely sexy, and we don't have the perspective to see how today affects tomorrow or 30 years from tomorrow, but it certainly does.

Thanks for listening.

I need to go for a long bike ride.

Don't feel like an asshole...you can't pick your relatives. This gent had the opportunity, but pissed it away. It is the parents job to treat children 'right', not the other way around. I wouldn't get angry at him in person, just let him go to the other side, be done with it. I loved my parents(mother) but often didn't like her. Death has a way of 'solving' some things.

Learn from your biological parents, what to do(if anything positive) but mostly what not to do. My father was always uncomfortable when I wanted to hug him..so after a while, I didn't..I hug my 2 kids(34 and 36) and my 2 grand daughters all the time.

Live, learn and carry on...

[AngryScientist]

"you can pick your friends, but you cant pick your family"

i would say you should have no grief over lack of a loving relationship with your birth parents. it sounds like you have plenty of other places to invest your love and emotions. take solace in those.

[William]

Live, learn and carry on...

My wife and I both had somewhat similar experiences with our Dads. We both realized early on that we learned what not to do through our experiences. We had tried to reach out a few times over the years but you eventually come to realize it is what it is. You can't force people to change so they either want to be involved or they don't. We let them know the door was open and we carried on with our lives.

My father-in-law passed away recently and in the end, with his daughters around him, he seemed to finally appreciate what he had missed, and then he was gone. It may sound a little harsh, but it was on them in my book. They chose to be distant and uninvolved even after repeated attempts reach out and include them.

In the end, do what is best for you and your family. Don't regret the past, it's the past. Live each day to the fullest and spread the love to your family. It stops with you as long as you choose to move on.

Wishing you and your family all the best.
William

[rugbysecondrow]

My grandfather sounds like your Dad Geoff. When he passed away, out of his three children, only one showed up. I went out of obligation, but at his funeral only two people there were related to him by blood and we were essentially the only "mourners" aside from those seeking free juice and cookies. He was a prick, a real asshole. The sort of man I have not one single good memory of.

Some people deal well with this sort of thing, and others not so well. My Mom has never really dealt well with why her Father was such a dick head, it really impacted who she is. You seem to have it more together and have found a way to channel your energy. Your wife sounds like a great woman too, the sort of woman who would tell you if you needed to seek outside help, so listen to her. Good women are hard to find, they really are the linch-pin to a successful life for guys like us. (my very biased opinion).

This sucks, but it also sounds like you are nearing the end of a story that has been unfolding for a long time, but it isn't your story, it is somebody elses. Yours is moving to Ft. Worth, those little kids and your loving wife. That is your tale, it is great you are embracing it.

Cheers!

[FlashUNC]

I'll echo what several others have said, and it's fairly similar to my experience; though it's my mom rather than my dad in this instance.

We've been estranged for several years now. Initially I felt a fair bit of grief over it, but I had to come to terms with the fact that in whatever relationship you're in (husband-wife, siblings, friends, parents-children) it takes effort from both sides to make it work. You can't lose sleep over what someone else won't do.

[texbike]

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad and the relationship that you've had together.

It sounds like you've made the right moves and there's really only so much that you can do. I'd give him a hug, tell him that you love him, and be there to help if you can in his last days. After all, we can only control our own actions. You can be a good man even if he wasn't.

Thanks for the reminder that each day matters. It's too easy to let life get in the way of life sometimes and not pay attention to what's important.

texbike

[unterhausen]

Bob,
It sounds like you are the one to break the cycle. So don't feel bad that you don't feel bad. I had 5 years to work through my grief before my father died. By the time the day happened, he was no longer the person that raised me. Not the way I expected it to happen, that's for sure.

[firerescuefin]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies and PMs.

It's just a weird deal. You're forced to deal with feelings and thoughts that you've either shelved or have dealt with, but re-examine given the finality/gravity of the situation.

[thwart]

Great post. Must have been tough thing to write.

Yet, I still feel like a asshole.

Guilt is a tough thing to beat by yourself---even if it's unjustified, and even with the support of a loving family. Don't hesitate to talk with a counselor.

[MattTuck]

Geoff,

It sounds like you had some bad luck early and have done everything in your power to get yourself on a more stable footing, and provide that to your wife and kids as well.

It is easy to say "screw 'em", and that is probably what they deserve. I suspect your ambivalence comes more from your inner moral compass, and your desire to live a life that is congruent with your own values. You can't help what you feel with regards to your parents, but trying to reconcile that with your perception of who you want to be, is what you're feeling.

[Tony]

Seems like we have lots in common. You sound like a decent person. If your ever in my area here in Sacto it would be my pleasure to ride with you and show you the best the area has to offer.

Wishing you and yours well on this journey.

[rwsaunders]

I'm very fortunate to have my parents live in my town, as well as my mother in law...they are all loving and caring individuals, doting grandparents and folks that you still want to share your challenges and successes with. As they are all in their mid to late 80's now, you know that each day that you have them around is special.

I've had a few friends come from homes as you described, where one or both of the parents suffered from alcoholism, and neglect ran rampant. Hats off to you for seeing the good in people and for making it, inspite of the obstacles placed before you.

If you didn't feel bad about your Dad in some way, that would probably be cause for concern. In terms of watching someone die from cancer, no matter the relationship, that's a tough disease to battle on your own. Do what you can for him and be the better for it.

[Fixed]

Yoga teaches us be in touch with the divine intelligence
we are all the miracle that is life and the universe .
Everything is perfect the way it is .
Pain is healing .
you are perfect and beautiful just the way you are
Life and death is perfection
moving from one state to the next
Much love to you and your dad
Cheers

[binxnyrwarrsoul]

What Peter said.

One thing my sorry excuse for a mother taught me was how NOT to raise my children. The difference between my upbringing and my kid's is night and day.

G, if you didn't feel some sort of guilt, you'd have no conscious. Not a fun situation, and one that I, and I'm sure many others here can relate to. Unfortunately.

[redir]

Yes indeed you cannot pick your relatives. It doesn't sound easy firerescue but you are not an a-hole simply because some one who happens to be your father is/was. I have to deal with this on my inlaw side so I <kind of> know what you mean. Honestly I always think it's pretty amazing that families stay together as they do. You are thrown into a situation where you have very different people forced to sort of behave at their get togethers.

[oldpotatoe]

I've always said that most families are dis functional, this thread shows this.

[ColonelJLloyd]

My mother had a terrible childhood of abuse and neglect. While she has never said as much, it's apparent she made a conscious decision at a very young age that any family she had would be much different and that nothing would ever be more important to her. My parents are exceptional and I am so very grateful for them both.

I write this just to to reinforce what you know and have showed; that a cycle of abuse/neglect/dependence can stop with one person. Your children will appreciate the love and care that you show them. On most days I'm sure knowing that is all the solace you need.

[josephr]

my dad passed away last year after battling and finally giving in to leukemia/lymphoma....he was a jerk too...its been a year now and whenever I think of the a-hole stuff, I try to think of the funny stuff too -- like the time his coffee was too hot so he drove home with it on the hood of the car without spilling. (it was too cold, he poured it out).

the pending demise might be an opportunity for forgiveness and relief....a chance for everyone to grow a little closer.
Joe

[eddief]

It sounds to me like you have a ton of feelings. And that is good stuff right there. Good info on how to guide your own life and relationships you treasure moving forward.

[learningtoride]

...

[bikingshearer]

I agree with Clyde the Point - seeing a counselor/therapist could be a big help in sorting out these feelings.

One thing I have learned in this life is that there will be times when you cannot let someone else, no matter who they are, drag you down with them. I suspect this is one of those times.

[snah]

Well, Ill say this... I feel less alone right now than I have in quite a while, knowing that there are SO many others in this world who have to deal with feelings that arent always the most positive in regards to those who put us on this planet. Your parents were shmucks Geoff- but they did ONE thing right... I can say this because of every interaction I've ever had with you and how obviously all these fine people here feel about you. YOU are a man of quality and substance. YOU landed, either by the stroke of genetic luck or by rising above and learning your way, the best that either of those two people had to offer. Give yourself closure in that you represent for them all they could not be as people. You love your wife and your kids and your friends and YOUR LIFE-
That is the ONLY gift you really needed from them. Because everything else that we hope our parents will give us, you found on your own- and thats more wealth in a person and a life than any silver spoon of emotions or riches inherited could ever give. Live well, live happy and know... no... KNOW that you ARE A SUCCESS IN LIFE- and I for one respect you and am glad to have our forum in which to have known you all.
That's all. Have a nice day. :)

This, this and more of this!! Very well said!!

[1happygirl]

As others have said, your ability to give to others and carry on in a loving, gracious way is indeed wonderful.
My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

[eBAUMANN]

This forum never ceases to amaze me in the quality and character of its members, I cant think of anything else like it really, you guys are an inspiring bunch.

Those relationships are not built, won, or lost, in dramatic moments. They flourish or decay in the simple moments that take place/or don't every day. Life is rarely sexy, and we don't have the perspective to see how today affects tomorrow or 30 years from tomorrow, but it certainly does.

Words to live by, beautifully stated, thanks for sharing.

[plattyjo]

Kudos to you for maintaining just a positive spirit despite what you're been through in the past; it's very inspiring. Your family is very lucky to have you as a husband and father!

[wooly]

Those relationships are not built, won, or lost, in dramatic moments. They flourish or decay in the simple moments that take place/or don't every day. Life is rarely sexy, and we don't have the perspective to see how today affects tomorrow or 30 years from tomorrow, but it certainly does.

Geoff - these words hit home. As a father of three, and who's father died when I was 7, I've always subscribed to the quantity of time versus quality of time debate. It's during those slow, quiet moments that the real important questions or topics come up in a conversation with your son or daughter. My thoughts are with you.

RC

[pinkshogun]

sometimes its not that people CAN'T or WON'T (act kind/sincere) its that they aren't CAPABLE.

this helps me when i deal with the weirdness around me.

[binouye]

I am, once again, impressed by the thoughtfulness of people on this forum. The post certainly helps me put my current work/family/life balance issues back in perspective! Wishing you a pleasant, peaceful, and safe ride.....

[firerescuefin]

Thank you again for the myriad of thoughts and responses. I am still digesting a few of them. Some really good takes.

There are some great folks here, many of whom I've been fortunate enough to meet and/or ride with in person, and I look forward to meeting and getting to know more of you.

Thanks for hearing me talk out loud today. Not what you'd typically share and trade ideas about on an internet bike forum…but this isn't an ordinary place from my experience.

Geoff

[learningtoride]

.

[tiretrax]

My father died a few years ago. To his first wife (my mother) and children, he was mean spirited, spanked first and hard before assessing the situation, and an alcoholic that put us in serious jeopardy many times. It was only just after his divorce from my mother and in his later years that he squeezed out I love you a few times. Everything I did - visiting him after his heart attacks, on vacations, and attending his funeral (which entailed a cross-country journey) - was an illustration to my children of what is the right thing to do. I try to let the anger pass immediately when I think about him. In its place, I feel pity for him that he didn't take the time to fix his issues and get to know his children (and grandchildren). He had lots of friends (several hundred at his funeral), and lots of folks that liked him. But, I heard many comments about what a wretched father he was. That was strange.

If I read the post from Rugby correctly, you're moving to Cowtown. If so, PM me - I'm in Dallas. I suck at riding, but I love to get out.

[sales guy]

Geoff,

I understand completely what you are going thru. I have a similar situation with my father, minus the current health issue.

My father was verbally, physically and emotionally abusing to my mom and I. My sister, never got a negative word or action. In fact to this day, she and he are close-ish. She is hanging around as he is leaving everything to her. About a 5 million dollar estate completely paid off of course.

I was on my moms side during their divorce vs my sister who didn't even show up.
My father and I are still involved in a lawsuit/restraining order case since 2004. And every year he brings up some other garbage to drag me to court and we fight it out and I waste money and he chases, follows, harasses and threatens me. And about six months goes by and then he does it again.

For me, I have three kids, three grandkids my father has never seen. Doesn't talk to. Doesn't send presents or cards to. Could care less about. And honestly, we don't mention him. My sister is Unmarried and has no kids so my father has nothing to worry about. Nothing to behave for. Nothing to miss when he dies.

Personally, I can't wait for the day he goes away and leaves all of us alone. When we don't have his life and wealth and possessions thrown around us. And hopefully a day and more of peace and not worrying about him chasing me in his car while I have the kids in mine.

When he is gone, no one will weep. No one will say anything other than what he missed out on and what kind of massive a$$hole he was. How he skated on the cointerfeiting charges he blamed on me. How he skated on the kiddie porn that was found on disks at his house. How abusive he was to his family. How he threw money around so he would have friends.

My father was and is a pretty bad guy.

While I feel bad for you and the situation you're in, the facts are he made it that way. It was his choices that made you who you are, how you act, how you care about and for others and he will miss out on everything in your life you could have shared with him.

In the end, it's his loss.

It is what it is. And that's all you can say. It's all you can do. Killing yourself over it isn't going to help. Like I said, I'm in a similar situation. And I have other issues personally with my wife right now. So I try and blow it off and say it is what it is. I try and ride, which my wife stops me a ton. But....it is what it is. And that's all I can say at times. Just like when my father says or does something else stupid or against me.

It is what it is.


Sorry you're going thru this. It isn't something I wish on the worst people in the world.

[1centaur]

About feeling like an asshole because you feel nothing...it's important to realize that you feel "nothing" because of your childhood. You are not an asshole because your parents were lacking; you were damaged by what your parents were lacking and the circumstances that flowed from that.

There are two ways for a child to absorb that blow. One is to be emotionally damaged in an obvious way to all around you for the rest of your life, fragile, volatile, and tiresome to deal with. The other is to be stoic, internal, tamping it down as best you can (a guy thing, in many cases) while consciously dealing with life in a more productive way. One of the gifts to others from this path is that you know what you are giving when you give love, affection and caring. It's very conscious, not just "the way my family always was." That consciousness can be very positive for you and those you love. That's a silver lining. But underneath it all, there is still the hurt, the fear, the loss of what could have been. Years of coping have built up walls around all that so you feel "nothing," and that form of nothing is OK - there's no point to break down the walls for this event - it won't help you or him. There's nothing to be had by feeling a bunch; you've mined the intellectual content and put it out here. Good job.

BTW, if we believe we are products of our childhood at our cores, then the same is true for damaged parents. Forgive, understand, move on, be better. It's all you should expect of yourself.

[firerescuefin]

My dad passed 2 weeks ago. I was able to see him for 3 days when he was placed in hospice. Seeing a figure, such as your father on his literal deathbed is a mind f-ing experience. Not that I am tellling many of you something you haven't already been through and experienced yourselves. I was able to make peace with him and let him know that although I wish things would have been very different, that we were "good"...and somehow meant it. I felt genuine sympathy, empathy, and even love for him in our last visits. I was able to help the nurse take care of him, and was genuinely glad to be able to do so. He seemed comforted to have me there and helping him.

My own mortality and the whole circle of life deal has been rattling around in my head quite a bit. I'll be heading back to Florida in a week to collect his ashes and drive his truck back to Texas. I am not fond of driving, but am looking forward to the drive in some sort of weird way....thinking somehow the drive will help close some things out in my mind.

[thegunner]

geoff - i can't say i fully understand what you're going through in terms of the guilt, but from what i can tell - there's nothing you should feel bad about (not saying it's possible).

in my experience, passing of certain family members just didn't affect me, while others absolutely crushed me. relationships aren't a one way street, if you don't feel anything - there's probably a reason. glad that you were able to get a sense of closure in this experience though.

[soulspinner]

My dad passed 2 weeks ago. I was able to see him for 3 days when he was placed in hospice. Seeing a figure, such as your father on his literal deathbed is a mind f-ing experience. Not that I am tellling many of you something you haven't already been through and experienced yourselves. I was able to make peace with him and let him know that although I wish things would have been very different, that we were "good"...and somehow meant it. I felt genuine sympathy, empathy, and even love for him in our last visits. I was able to help the nurse take care of him, and was genuinely glad to be able to do so. He seemed comforted to have me there and helping him.

My own mortality and the whole circle of life deal has been rattling around in my head quite a bit. I'll be heading back to Florida in a week to collect his ashes and drive his truck back to Texas. I am not fond of driving, but am looking forward to the drive in some sort of weird way....thinking somehow the drive will help close some things out in my mind.

God bless man. Sounds weird, but my mothers passing seemed to balance the negative (alcoholic and abusive) with love and sympathy. Be good to yourself and know you are not him and never will be. And keep the rubber down........

[Climb01742]

I'm glad you and he were able to make some peace with each other.

My parents and I had a difficult relationship. But I'm not sure I ever fully understood what they had been through earlier in their lives to become the adults and parents they were.

I think love is learned. I'm not sure my folks ever learned it from their folks and lives. So today I try to be more forgiving of people, not knowing how they came to be who they are.

Being a prick is never excusable and shouldn't be. But maybe it can be understood a little. And kindness is never wasted, I don't believe.

Helping your dad leave this world with a little peace was a kind and beautiful gift you gave him. To close a life that way was a step forward for your family and I hope you feel good you were caring enough to take it. Well played, sir.

[OtayBW]

My dad passed 2 weeks ago. I was able to see him for 3 days when he was placed in hospice. Seeing a figure, such as your father on his literal deathbed is a mind f-ing experience. Not that I am tellling many of you something you haven't already been through and experienced yourselves. I was able to make peace with him and let him know that although I wish things would have been very different, that we were "good"...and somehow meant it. I felt genuine sympathy, empathy, and even love for him in our last visits. I was able to help the nurse take care of him, and was genuinely glad to be able to do so. He seemed comforted to have me there and helping him.

My own mortality and the whole circle of life deal has been rattling around in my head quite a bit. I'll be heading back to Florida in a week to collect his ashes and drive his truck back to Texas. I am not fond of driving, but am looking forward to the drive in some sort of weird way....thinking somehow the drive will help close some things out in my mind.
I just saw this thread for the first time. It is definitely out of the 'norm' not to love a parent, but contrary to the 'normal prevailing wisdom', circumstances differ and sometimes it is just simply the correct action. I get it. We all have our different stories, but I wish you all the best as you move forward.

[oldpotatoe]

My dad passed 2 weeks ago. I was able to see him for 3 days when he was placed in hospice. Seeing a figure, such as your father on his literal deathbed is a mind f-ing experience. Not that I am tellling many of you something you haven't already been through and experienced yourselves. I was able to make peace with him and let him know that although I wish things would have been very different, that we were "good"...and somehow meant it. I felt genuine sympathy, empathy, and even love for him in our last visits. I was able to help the nurse take care of him, and was genuinely glad to be able to do so. He seemed comforted to have me there and helping him.

My own mortality and the whole circle of life deal has been rattling around in my head quite a bit. I'll be heading back to Florida in a week to collect his ashes and drive his truck back to Texas. I am not fond of driving, but am looking forward to the drive in some sort of weird way....thinking somehow the drive will help close some things out in my mind.

Good for you, GOOD for you..Just reading this make me feel good, not sure why, I guess I like 'happy' endings.

[Scooper]

The children of Mona Vanni had some choice words to say about their mother.

http://image1.findagrave.com/photos/2008/276/30254761_122305599742.jpg

[Saint Vitus]

Good for you, GOOD for you..Just reading this make me feel good, not sure why, I guess I like 'happy' endings.

I'll second that, and a beautiful ending to what seemed like a rough beginning and middle. Cinematic if you would, I think the driving part is especially poignant. Thanks for sharing your story.

[texbike]

Helping your dad leave this world with a little peace was a kind and beautiful gift you gave him. To close a life that way was a step forward for your family and I hope you feel good you were caring enough to take it. Well played, sir.

Perfectly stated.

Geoff, good on you for showing your father that level of kindness and love when he probably needed it most.

Texbike

[Keith A]

...
Helping your dad leave this world with a little peace was a kind and beautiful gift you gave him. To close a life that way was a step forward for your family and I hope you feel good you were caring enough to take it. Well played, sir.Well said and I agree.

We too are dealing with another death in our family as my wife's father passed away yesterday morning. I'm very sad for my dear wife and her struggle to deal with these emotions -- especially given the fact that her relationship with her dad was not what she desired and he was never really a father to her.

[MattTuck]

Geoff,

Glad that you felt more connected and at peace in the end. Living a life that is congruent with your values is the best way to feel complete.

Good luck on the drive. It sounds like a good time for reflection and contemplation.

[54ny77]

helluva thread.

some good folks here.

:)

[bikingshearer]

Helping your dad leave this world with a little peace was a kind and beautiful gift you gave him. To close a life that way was a step forward for your family and I hope you feel good you were caring enough to take it. Well played, sir.

Agree 100%. I would only add that it was a kind and beautiful gift that you also gave yourself and all you encounter in life.

My relationship with my parents was very different from what you and some others here have described. My brother, sister and I all agree that we hit the Parent Lotto. We all were there in our parents' last days and weeks, actively part of their lives to the very end. I would not trade those times for anything; the bonds with my parents and my siblings was strengthened beyond anything I thought possible. It sounds like something like that happened with you, too. Good. I would wish that for you and all of us who, inevitably, will deal the loss of loved ones.

[jmeloy]

Geoff, my dad died when I was 4 so I grew up without him in my life. I was lucky that my mom had a very close group of friends who always set an example for me as to what a dad should be. That helped me figure out how to raise my girls and we are exceptionally close. I've seen past posts by you about your kids and you "get it". Enjoy the long drive back from FL... You're a very good man.