cockney dude walks in...

[manet]

cockney dude walks in on his wife in bed with three men...
"well, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello", he says.
wife looks up at him and responds, "wha', no 'ello for me?!"

[jerk]

e-richie help me out with this one.

that joke is not kop it is mp.

bro.

jerk

[Bill Bove]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "so, why the long face?"

[csm]

a termite walks into a tavern and asks "is the bar tender here?"

[e-RICHIE]

e-richie help me out with this one.

that joke is not kop it is mp.

bro.

jerk


it was a duxiana bed.
that's the joke part.
only a dux could handle the abuse.
in sweden, people put their duxiana
beds in their wills so the heirs can
continue using them. they're that
good. how do i know? i one of joan hamburg's
radio family (wor 710 am) and she's mad
for duxiana. i always say if it's good enough
for joan hamburg, celebrity interviewer and
new york's best consumer guide, it's worth
knowing about.
again: 4 at a time? make it on a duxiana.

[Bill Bove]

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. the bartender kicks him out saying we don't serve your kind here. The string walks dejectedly out to the parking lot where he see's a couple of thugs who he asks to beat him up and twist around. He walks back into the bar and orders another beer. the bartender says hey aren't you that piece of string i just through out of here? the string replies no, i'm a frayed knot :banana:

[Dr. Doofus]

In 1968, Vaclav was a young revolutionary in Prague. Luckily, he escaped after the Russian tanks rolled in. His wits kept him one step ahead of the KGB, until he was nearly cornered on a London street. He saved himself by dashing into a bank and asking the teller,

"can you cache a czech?"




www.monkeyphonecall.com

[scrooge]

Grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopeper says, "You've got a drink named 'Steve'?!"

[scrooge]

Two men walked into a bar.
The third one ducked.

[paulh]

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "so, why the long face?"

[ergott]

This guy has a room in a boarding house. He wants to take a shower and yells downstairs to the landlady, "There's no soap." To which she replies "No soap, radio."
Source: Bill Sanders, late 1940s

A woman was sitting in a bathtub and and man walked in. No soap radio
Source: Susan Bonhomme, late 1940s/early 1950s

Two elephants were sitting in a tub and one elephant said, "Where's the soap?" The other elephant says "No soap radio"
Source: S. Harding, New York, NY, 1952

Two bears were sitting in a bathtub. One bear said to the other bear, "Please pass me the soap." The other bear replied, "You don't want the soap, you want the radio!"
Source: Marty Payton, Republic, MO, 1954

What did one elephant say to the other in the bathtub? "No soap, clock radio."
Source: Anita Bigelow, 1958

Two elephants are sitting in a bathtub and one elephant says to the other, "Please pass the soap." And the other elephant replies, "No soap, radio."
Source: Jonathan Daniel, Riverdale, NY, 1961

Two polar bears are on an icecap at the North pole. The ice cap breaks apart and the pieces drift apart - one drifts down Atlantic, the other the Pacific. The polar bears think they're lost forever. Then at the South Pole they see one another. One calls "Hey!" and other says, "No soap, radio!"
Source: JSchuylerB@aol.com, Pelham Country Club, 1962

There were two elephants sitting in a bath tub and one turns to the other and says "Pass the Soap" and then the other one says, "No Soap. Radio"
Source: Ron Rosen, San Mateo, CA, 1962

Two lions were taking a shower together. The first lion said, "Pass the soap." The other lion said. "No soap radio".
Source: jw@bway.net, 1963

Two bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No soap, radio!"
Source: Gwillim Law, Cambridge, MA, 1966

Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One penguin says to the other, "Please pass the soap." The other penguin replies, "No soap. Radio!"
Source: Paul Perocchi, N.Andover, MA, 1966

A monkey and a bear sitting in a bathtub. The bear says, "Pass the soap." The monkey says, "No soap, radio!"
Source: davisanddavis.geo@yahoo.com, Keene, NH 1967

Two bears were sitting in a bathtub. One says, to the other, "Pass the soap." The other says, "No soap, radio"
Source: Jay Rosen, Englewood Cliffs, NJ, 1967

Two elephants had been captured by hunters and packed in a wooden crate for the long trip across the ocean. Because of how they were packed, head to tail, they had no chance to converse during the whole voyage. Now, you must realize that they had gotten very dirty during the trip...[here expand upon the dirt in great detail]. Finally they arrived and were unpacked and led into a huge shower and left alone. They were both embarrased by this enforced intimacy, and were rather shy, wondering how to start a conversation. Finally one elephant turns to the other sand says "Please pass the soap." The other elephant replies "No soap, radio."
Source: Allan Goldhammer, 1968

There were two little kids, brother and sister, five or six years old, taking a bath together. The girl said to her brother, "Pass me the soap." He said, "No soap, radio."
Source: Les Luhring, Pompano Beach, FL, 1968

[While playing Bridge] One club. One no trump. Two spades. No soap radio. Pass. Pass. Pass. West leads the four of diamonds, north ruffs the six, and the rest is history.
Source: paker@warwick.net, Rutgers, NJ, 1968

Once there were three bears. They lived on a lake that was shaped like a mitten. Between the thumb and pointer finger was the woods. Across the lake was a radio staion. One day they were taking a bath in the lake. One bear said to the other, "Please pass the soap". The other bear said, "No soap, radio".
Source: Nan Wefler, Milwaukee, WI, 1969

There were two penguins in a bathtub. One said, "Pass me a bar of soap." The other one said, "What do you think I look like? A typewriter?"
Source: grape_1961@yahoo.com, 1971

Two bears are sitting in the bathtub. The first bear says to the second bear: "Pass the soap." The second bear says, "No soap. Radio."
Source: George Thuronyi, Silver Spring, MD, 1971

Two hippies are sitting in a bath. One says, "Hey man, pass the soap." The other says, "No soap! Radio!"
Source: Dave Benjamin, Wilton, CT, 1972

There were two elephants sitting in a bath tub and one turns to the other and says "Pass the Soap" and then the other one says, "No Soap. Radio"
Source: John Treffeisen, New York, NY, 1973

There were three polar bears on an iceberg. The first one runs down the iceberg and jumps into the frozen Sea and yells "Wheee!" The second one comes running after him and jumps into the frozen Bering Sea yelling "Wheee!" The third polar bear comes running after them, jumps into the frozen Bering Sea and yells "Radio!"
Source: Virginia Dodier, Carlsbad, NM, 1973

A penguin and a polar bear are sitting on an iceburg. The penguin yells, "Radio!" and they both jump in the water.
Source: Lynette Hays, Spokane, WA, 1975

Once upon a time, there was a purple king and purple queen who lived in a purple castle. One day, the purple queen said to the purple king "I am going to take a bath." The purple king then turned to the purple queen and said "No Soap Radio!"
Source: Peter Sklar, Palo Alto, CA, 1975

Three penguins are sitting in a bathtub, and the first one turns to the one on the right, and says "Pass me the soap", and the other one says "No soap, radio!"
Source: Chris Hartleben, 1981

A giraffe is taking a bath, and an elephant walks in. The giraffe asks the elephant for soap, and the elephant says 'No, soap...radio."
Source: Cary Kaplan, Toronto, Canada, 1984

Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No soap, radio!"
Source: Daniel Lipkin, Stanford, CA, 1988

Three monkeys are sitting in a bathtub. The first monkey says to the third monkey, "Please pass the soap." The third monkey says, "What do you think I am, a typewriter?"
Source: Richard Allen, Palo Alto, CA, 1994

A hippo and a penguin are taking a bath together. The hippo says, "Pass the soap" and the penguin says, "No soap. Radio!"
Source: Matthew Gordon, Princeton, NJ, 1996

Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One penguin says to the other, "Please pass the soap." The other penguin replies, "Not soap. Radio."
Source: Daniel Sandler, Houston, TX, 1996

There are two ducks in the bathtub. The first one says, "Hey, gimmie the soap." The second says, "Radio!?! What Radio?"
Source: Laura Bennett, Lawrence, KS, 1996

Two nuns are in a bath. The first one says, "Where's the soap?" and the second one replies, "Yes it does, doesn't it?
Source: waughs@netcom.com, 1996

Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. The iceberg splits into two pieces, and the penguins start to drift away from each other. Just as they are about to lose sight of one another, one of them yells, "Pizza!"
Source: David Goss, Seattle, WA, 1996

Two lions were sitting in the tub together. One lion said to the other lion, "Pass the soap." The other lion said. "No soap radio".
Source: Sara Jansyn, 1998

Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says,"Pass the soap." The other one replies, "What do you think I am - a Radio?"
Source: Steven Carter, Chicago, IL, 1998

An (insert ethnic group member here) is flying in an airplane. He points out the window at the countryside below and exclaims, "No soap...radio?"
Source: Ross Knights, 1998

The co-pilot of a plane shouts "Nose up!" The pilot replies "Radio" and obediently pulls on his yoke at which point the plane flips over and crashes. In heaven, the pilot blames co-pilot for the crash. "Why did you say 'Nose up'?" he asks. "I didn't," replies the co-pilot, "I said 'No soap.'"
Source: Jim Cowdery, 2003

Two penguins are in a bathtub. One says "Pass me the soap." The other says "What do I look like, a lightbulb?"
Source: theYellowDart@attbi.com, 2003

Two panda bears are sitting in a tub. One said to the other, "Please pass me the soap." The other replies, "What do you think I am, a radio?"
Source: JtM1327@aol.com, 2003

There's two aged radicals sitting in a bathtub discussing their life achievements. One is a delusional revolutionary; the other is a bloodthirsty terrorist. The revolutionary says to the terrorist, "Hey Yasser, pass the soap." And the terrorist replies, "Sorry Fidel, no soap, radio."
Source: Jayme Pena, Stockbridge, MI, 2004

An ape was taking a shower... No soap radio
Source: Richard Phelps, 2004

There were two elephants in the shower, one says "Eh! Could you pass the soap?" And the other says, "Radio? What radio?"
Source: Kali Burnette, 2004

Two penguins are taking a bath. The first one says to the second one, "Hey, could you pass me the soap?" The second one gets all angry and snaps back, "What do I look like, a TYPEWRITER?"
Source: Laura Johnson, 2004

Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. The iceberg splits into two pieces, and the penguins start to drift away from each other. Just as they are about to lose sight of one another one waves and calls out, "No soap, radio!"
Source: James Irwin, 2004

A very young polar bear is sleeping on the edge of a large ice shelf when it breaks off as a small ice berg and begins to move out to sea. He awakens just as his ice berg passes very closeby another tiny ice berg, on which is sitting a very large, ferocious, and menacing polar bear. The small polar bear is shaking in fear as his ice berg comes closer, closer to the huge polar bear. Just at the large polar bear is within striking distance of the small bear, the large polar bear sternly roars, "NO SOAP RADIO!"
Source: G. Carroll, 2004

[MallyG]

I went to a zoo.

The only animal there was one dog.

It was a ****zu.

[Ken Lehner]

A rabbi, a duck, a horse, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

[jonesy]

A man with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and asks,
"Can I buy a pair of flip flips?"

[Too Tall]

*Hey CSM. Yes.
*So who got the one about the nuns?

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fk the cat."

[BumbleBeeDave]

. . . between a nun and a woman in a bubble bath?

Well, the nun has hope in her soul . . .

BBD

[oldguy00]

A pirate walks into a bar, and has the ships wheel attached the the front of his pants.
Bartender says: " Hey, you've got a ships wheel attached to your pants!

Pirate says: Aye, its driven me nuts!

[Roy E. Munson]

A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth", he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" asks the owner. "A female horth," the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes and puts him down again."Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth and
puts him down."Nithe teeth... may I now thee her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the
dwarf to show him the horse's ears and then puts him down.
"Nithe eerth," he says. "Now... can I see her twot?"
"With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the
scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep
inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds
before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhapth I thould weefwaze that: Can I thee her wun awound?"

[Too Tall]

Had to post one of my all time favs. by Emo Phillips. This guy breaks ribs for a living :)

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So i ran over and said, "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

No soap, Radio.

[Serpico]

A cement mixer collided with a prison van off I-55 this morning.

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

[Lost Weekend]

What do you call a guy who picks up a bag cement with a pitchfork?
A motar forker. :banana:

[christian]

only a dux could handle the abuse.


Dux is ok, but if you're looking for sleeping perfection, Hästens is what you want. http://www.hastens.com/

A king size costs about the same as a Meivici with full Record, though...

- Christian

[Jeff N.]

Whats the difference between 25 years with your wife and 25 years on the job?..........after 25 years, the job still sucks. :banana: Jeff N.

[Sandy]

Sign on the window of a health club:

IF YOU ARE FAT AND UGLY, COME TO OUR CLUB. YOU WILL LEAVE UGLY.

[flydhest]

a guy in Alaska rides his snowmobile into town with black smoke billowing out of the tailpipe. He stops at the service station and the attendant looks at him and says, "did you blow a seal?" The guy wipes his face and says, "No, really, that's just frost."

[Tom]

A penguin takes his car to the shop. While he's waiting he sees an ice cream store across the street. He goes over and gets a cone, but having just a beak and flippers he's a little sloppy. He goes back to the shop and the mechanic comes out. "Dude, it looks like you blew a seal."

"No, man, that's just ice cream."

[Ozz]

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says: "I'm looking for the man....who shot my paw."

[flydhest]

New born moles are trying to make it out into the fresh air for the first spring of their young lives. The first one gets up and says, "I can smell trees and grass," the second one says, "I can smell flowers and fresh air," the third is blocked by the first two and says, "I can only smell molasses."

[Jeff N.]

"Last week I fired my psychiatrist 'cause he told me I was crazy! I told him I wanted a second opinion! He said, 'OK, you're UGLY too!'"-Rodney Dangerfield

[keno]

Three guys walk in to a bar; a pedophile, a... Then again, maybe they don't.

keno

[ergott]

www.yourmom.com

[sevencyclist]

What's the similarity between elephants and Seiko watches?

They both come in quartz.

[flydhest]

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife left him.

[Marco]

Is there an economic algorithm to describe the elasticity of that concept? :)

[yeehawfactor]

the only joke i can regularly remember:
did you hear about the geography professor that was fired from the university?



his problem was incontinence

wah wah

[gasman]

What's the difference between Methodists and Baptists ?


Methodists wave to each other in the liquor store.

[hybridbellbaske]

Why don't Methodists have sex standing up?

Because it might lead to dancing.

[shinomaster]

Dux is ok, but if you're looking for sleeping perfection, Hästens is what you want. http://www.hastens.com/

A king size costs about the same as a Meivici with full Record, though...

- Christian

How do you people know this stuff?

Q, WHat did the elephant say to the naked man?

A, how do you breath through that thing?
:banana:

[flydhest]

Mickey Mouse's lawyer says, "let me get this straight, you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because you think she's crazy?"
Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fvcking Goofy."

[Sandy]

A woman finds her rich husband lying on the ground, withering in pain, screaming and hollering, blood everywhere... What does she do??

She shoots him again!


Shotgun Shooting Sandy

[William]

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

[Too Tall]

Sandbox rules Sandy. No shooting.

[flydhest]

Little Johnny was kicked out of CubScouts because he was caught eating a brownie.

[keno]

Mother Superior Calls All The Nuns Together And Says To Them,

"i Must Tell You All Something....
We Have A Case Of Gonorrhea In The Convent."
“praise The Lord," Says A Blonde Nun At The Back.

"i'm So Tired Of Chardonnay."

[flydhest]

The rules for that sort of interaction with nuns is often misunderstood. Apparently, men can have "relations" with nuns occasionally as long as they don't get into the habit.

[ClutchCargo]

and the bartender says "What'll ya have?" and the skeleton says:

"A beer and a mop!"

:D

[keno]

True, and occasionally a disciplined nun will simply drop a habit.

keno

[ClutchCargo]

in the Home Depot restroom and had to be unbolted by the EMT's was taken to a doctor to remove it, and the doc said, "Well, I've seen a lot of these, but never a framed one." :)

[flydhest]

two peanuts were walking through the Bronx and one was a salted . . . peanut.

[Sandy]

Are all your posts in this thread part of your economic research that you do, for which we pay you the big bucks?? If so, are your posts the statement of the problem or the solution. I need to know. :) :)


Uncle Sam

[Sandy]

two peanuts were walking through the Bronx and one was a salted . . . peanut.

Is that how they make crunchy peanut butter? :)


Slightly Salty Slightly Sane Serotta Sandy

[Spinsistah]

On Saturday morning, a roadie gets up early, as he has
for so many Saturday morning rides, and softly slips
out of the bedroom.

He dresses quietly in the next room, grabs his helmet
and water bottles, and goes out to pump the tires. As
the garage door opens, he's confronted by an icy,
windswept rain.

He's ridden before in these conditions. He doesn't like
it, but when it's Saturday morning he never misses. He
ponders the dismal conditions and then retreats to the
kitchen to tune a small TV to the Weather Channel.

The forecast only sounds worse. This is one Saturday
when he just can't summon the determination.

With a sigh, he slips off his shoes, quietly returns to
the bedroom, undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers,
"The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my
husband went riding in that crap?"

[Spinsistah]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step in the showers before they
realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to
the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall
and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment
on how lifelike he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he
drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun...It's a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls his tool ... and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once,
then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she tries once more and, to her delight, she
yells.... "Hand lotion!"

[ClutchCargo]

Either one, you know somebody's gonna lose a mobile home. :p

[Fred D]

Your mama's so big she can bend light.

Fred D

[keno]

Here is the father-son conversation of a pair of monkeys. Handing his son Darwin’s "Origin of Species", the father monkey said, “Read this, son, it will make a man of you.”

keno

[DRZRM]

A duck walks into a pharmacy to buy a tube of Chap Stick.

The pharmacist says "Will that be cash or credit?"

and the duck says..."Just put it on my bill!"

:banana: :banana: :banana:

[flydhest]

Here is the father-son conversation of a pair of monkeys. Handing his son Darwin’s "Origin of Species", the father monkey said, “Read this, son, it will make a man of you.”

keno

Then the father was arrested by the Kansas State Troopers.

[rpm]

Why don't Episcopalians have group sex?

Because it's too hard to write all the thank-you notes.

[Ginger]

.

[ClutchCargo]

Then the father was arrested by the Kansas State Troopers.

eliminated statewide graduation exams. Senior students will now be tied up in burlap bags and thrown into a pool. Those who float will be recognized as intended by God to graduate and will be issued diplomas. :D

[William]

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.....She had no arms.

[manet]

.

yes ginger, did you have something you wanted to share

[vaxn8r]

2 kids in the hospital for surgery the next day. Both pretty scared.

"What are you here for?"

"I gotta get my tonsils out."

"Oh, that's not so bad. It only takes about 15 minutes, they give you this medicine that makes you feel funny and then you get to eat ice cream for a few days."

"How about you? What are you here for?"

"I gotta have a circumcision."

The boy winces as if in serious pain.Oooooh! That's a tough one! I had that done and I couldn't walk for a year!

[vaxn8r]

Q. How is a flood like a divorce in Corvallis?
A. Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer

That one's for you BCM :D

....Civil War week....

[William]

Q. How is a flood like a divorce in Corvallis?
A. Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer

That one's for you BCM :D

....Civil War week....

Put the Bong down and slowly step away from the keyboard Vax. ;)



William (Beaver Alum)

[Wayne77]

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the Medical Examiner and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, as he pulls the cork out again. It’s playing music "...On the road again..."

The Medical Examiner is totally unimpressed. "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the Medical Examiner, "Any a**hole can sing country music!"