View Full Version : jokes : offtopik

12-14-2012, 05:17 AM
my daughters


why did little sally fall off the swing ?

because she had no arms

knock knock ?

who's there

not sally -

12-14-2012, 06:23 AM
Too funny, that's one of my oldest dead pan jokes.

True story:
My freshman year in college I went out for the Crew team. It was a couple of weeks in and I had been mostly keeping to myself since I didn't know people that well. We had been out on the water for a couple hours and were coming back in. When we were close to the docks the coxswain starts telling jokes. Pretty soon everyone is throwing them out. There is a lull as we're getting out of the eight so at that moment I throw out a dead pan: "Why did the little girl fall off the swing?"

......"Uh, I don't know, why."

"She had no arms." There was a moment of quiet as everyone turned to look at me....and then everyone was rolling on the dock LTA'sO. It probably had more to do with that fact that I hadn't said much up to that point, and then all of a sudden dropped that bomb. Dark joke I know but that memory makes me laugh every time.


12-14-2012, 06:37 AM
Dirty ones ok? I mean tis the season and all....:fight:

12-14-2012, 06:48 AM
Guy loses his job, packs up his desk, and at 10:30am dejectedly ducks into a bar down the street to drown his sorrows.

He sits alone at the bar, orders a drink, bartender brings it. He takes a sip, and hears a tiny, high-pitched voice say "Nice tie!"

He looks over at the bartender, who is busy washing glasses. Takes another sip. "You look really handsome" says the little voice.

He looks around; the bar is empty except for him and the bartender.

"You seem really smart" says the voice.

The bartender sees the guy looking confused and tells him "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

12-14-2012, 12:53 PM
your momma is so short she does backflips under her bed

12-14-2012, 01:01 PM
A guy get's a job as a door to door tooth brush salesman. He knocks on doors all day and can't seem to sell any tooth brushes.

One day, he runs into another sales man for the same company, who seems to be doing well. He asks the successful salesman for his secret.

"well, I usually bake some cookies, give them to the customer, and then tell them about cavities and sugar, and how brushing their teeth will help. I create the need in their mind for a tooth brush."

So, the guy nods, thanks the successful salesman for his tip, and gets to thinking.

The next day he knocks on a door, a woman answers. "Ma'am, I'm a tooth brush salesman, but before I get to that, would you like to try one of my home made brownies?" "Why yes, that would be wonderful." But as soon as she takes her first bite, she spits it out and exclaims, "This brownie tastes like ****!" To which the salesman replies, "it is ****. want to buy a tooth brush?"

Mr. Squirrel
12-14-2012, 01:08 PM
a squirrel scampers into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but clear cellophane plastic wrapped around his body. the psychiatrist takes one look at him and exclaims; "clearly, i can see you're nuts." nuk nuk nuk!

mr. squirrel

12-14-2012, 01:24 PM
for all my fellow Vermonters:

how do you tell if a girl from the Northeast Kingdom is having her period?

she's only wearing one sock...:eek:

12-14-2012, 02:03 PM
A guy with a bad stutter finally gets a job selling Bibles. But the owners aren't very sure he will be successful. He starts slow but suddenly after 2 months he is selling more Bibles than rest of the saleforce combined. He's called into corporate.
" How are you so successful they ask ?"

" Wwwwhhh... en thhhey annnnswwwer. I ask- Ddddooo yyouuu waannt ttooo.. Bbbuy a Bbbiible ? Ooorr do yyouuu waant mmmme to rreaad it too you ?"

12-14-2012, 02:17 PM
My daughter must go to the same school.

Her other joke:
Where did Susie go when the bombs fell?


my daughters


why did little sally fall off the swing ?

because she had no arms

knock knock ?

who's there

not sally -

12-14-2012, 05:41 PM
for all my fellow Vermonters:

how do you tell if a girl from the Northeast Kingdom is having her period?

she's only wearing one sock...:eek:

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in vermont ?

Anywhere else and it wouldve been called a "teethbrush"


What do a hurricane, tornado, and vermont divorce have in common ?

By the time its over you know someone is going to lose a trailerhome.


In kansas you can see your dog run away from home for three days.
Five days if you stand on your roof.

12-14-2012, 06:04 PM
vermont birth control:

"daddy, you are crushing my smokes..."

12-14-2012, 06:16 PM
Why arent vermonters able to get into SeaWorld ?

No fishing poles allowed

Why do vermonters have TGIF. On their shoes ?

Toes Go In First

12-14-2012, 06:31 PM
vermont birth control:

"daddy, you are crushing my smokes..."

haha, laughed out loud

12-14-2012, 06:34 PM
My favorite dirty joke...

Guy is standing on an elevator next to an attractive worm. He then looks at her and asks "can I smell your pu$$y?"

Offended, she says, "of course you can not!"

"Well, it must be your feet then", he says.

12-14-2012, 06:39 PM
An old farmer was sitting on his rocking chair when Billy walked by carrying jar. The old man asked, "Whaere are you going with that jar, Billy?" Billy replied, " to get some honey from the Honeysuckle!" The old man told him you can't get honey from honey suckle, but a little while later Billy returned with some honey.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with a larger jar. The old man asked, "Where are you going, Billy?" Billy replied, "Yesterday I saw some milkweed down there so I brought this jar to fill up with milk" The old man told him you can't get milk from milkweed, but a little while later Billy returned with some milk.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time the old man asked him" Billy, what are you looking for today?" Billy replied, "yesterday, while getting milk from the milkweed I noticed you had some pussywillow".

"Hold on, son, I'm coming with you!"

12-15-2012, 06:47 PM
Question: Johan Bruyneel and Lance Armstrong are crossing a street; which one do you run over first?

Answer: Bruyneel

Business before pleasure ...

12-15-2012, 06:56 PM
deleted at request/demand of dave thompson...

Bruce K
12-16-2012, 05:31 AM
Um, yeah

Some of these are ok with some folks and a bit over the line for others

Let's try to stay on the cleaner/PG rated side of things


12-16-2012, 06:27 AM
A girl from Vermont and a girl from New york city were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Vermont being friendly and all, said, "So, where you from?" The NY girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Vermont sat quietly for a few moments and then replied,... "So, where you from, bitch?"

12-19-2012, 07:34 AM
A mad scientist had been working diligently in his basement laboratory trying to create a clone. The professor himself was very introverted, and he felt as though he'd been missing out on a lot. So he wanted to create a clone of himself, but with opposite personality attributes. After months of painstaking experimentation, he finally succeeded. He created a clone who loved to go out and raise hell. He went to parties, got drunk, danced on the tables, pinched women's bottoms, and generally made a spectacle of himself.

Finally, it got to be too much for the scientist. He decided he must take action. He found out where the clone was going to be attending a wild party, and he followed him. The party was being held at a seaside mansion that had a long, sweeping sward of a lawn that swept down to a cliff that had a 300 foot drop to the rocks below. The scientist peeked in through the French doors and saw his clone making an absolute fool of himself at the party. He sneaked in through the French doors and persuaded the clone to come with him to see something truly amazing and tittilating. The scientist escorted the clone to the edge of the cliff, and directed his attention to a bedroom window in the house on the adjoining property. The shades were open, and an absolutely gorgeous young woman was in the process of disrobing. The clone became extremely aroused, and while his attention became totally focused on what he was watching, the scientist sneaked up behind him and pushed him over the edge of the cliff. The clone fell 300 feet to his death on the rocks below, and the mad scientist returned to his home, satisfied that his problems were over.

The next day, his doorbell rang, and he was confronted by a plainclothes detective, who announced that he was under arrest. "Under arrest? For what," he wanted to know. "For making an obscene clone fall."

12-19-2012, 10:35 AM
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a
personal experience with my friends and family about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have
brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a
"social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several
cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over
the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it
was a cab they waved me through, and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab
before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't
know what to do with it.

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays

12-19-2012, 10:59 AM
What is the difference between a woman jogger and a sewing machine?

A sewing machine has only one bobbin.

12-19-2012, 12:31 PM
A doctor is walking around doing his rounds when one of the nurses stops him and says "Excuse me doctor but you have an enema behind your ear"
"That's ridiculous" he says, and carries on about his business

He walks to another floor to continue doing his rounds and a nurse stops him.
"Sir, there seems to be an enema behind your ear"
"That's preposterous" he exclaims

Almost done his rounds, he walks to the last floor and a nurse stops him again
"Excuse me but is that an enema behind your ear"
Exhausted, he finally reaches behind his ear and pulls out an enema and says
"Looks like some bum's got my pencil"

12-19-2012, 03:08 PM
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

. . . or how about . . .

A terrorist walks into a bar. He's covered in plastic explosives from head to foot. The bartender doesn't bat an eye.

"What'll you have?" he asks.

"I'll take a martini," says the terrorist.

The bartender fixes the martini and sets it down in front of the terrorist.

"That'll be $16.50," says the bartender.

The terrorist nods and takes a $20 bill out of his pocket, puts it on the bar, and sips his martini.

"Y'know," says the bartender, "we don't get a lot of terrorists in here."

"At these prices," says the terrorist, "you won't get many more."

12-19-2012, 03:17 PM
A penquin takes his car into the shop to have it checked out.

While he’s waiting, he decides to go across the street for an ice cream cone but he has trouble holding it in his flippers and drops it on his feet.

So he goes back to the shop and the mechanic says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin looks at him and says, “No, that’s just a little ice cream.”

Jeff N.
12-19-2012, 03:30 PM
They say you never know what you've got 'til it's gone. So I threw everything away so I could find out.

I went to a convenience store to get some beer. The clerk was outside, locking up the store as I was walking up.
"The sign says you're open 24 hours!", I said.
"...yes, but not all in a row", the clerk said.

-Steven Wright

Bob Ross
12-19-2012, 03:34 PM
I went to a convenience store to get some beer. The cleark was outside, locking up the store as I was walking up.
"The sign says you're open 24 hours!", I said.
"...yes, but not all in a row", the clerk said.

-Steven Wright

I heard that joke over 25 years ago and it's still one of my favorites.

Jeff N.
12-19-2012, 03:44 PM
I never get no respect...no respect at all! I mean even when I was BORN I didn't get any respect! The doctor told my mother when I popped out, "I'm so sorry...we did everything we could but he lived anyway".

...and my old man, hey, he was a winner...he used to take me hunting...he'd paint a target on my back and give me a 5 minute head start!

...and just last week I had to fire my psychiatrist because he told me I was crazy...I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, "OK, you're UGLY too!"

12-19-2012, 04:36 PM
My wife is such a bad cook the flys chipped in to fix the screen door.

I went to the dentist I said doc.. my teeth are yellow. He said
"wear a brown tie"

12-19-2012, 05:07 PM
So, Jesus walks up on this group surrounding a girl they believe is a prostitute, and are just about to stone her to death when he says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" A moment later an old lady picks up a big rock and hits the girl straight in the head killing her instantly. Jesus looks at the lady and says, "You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off!"

12-19-2012, 05:33 PM
What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the car?
Robin, get in the car.


A duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks what'll it be? The duck doesn't say anything because he's a duck.

12-19-2012, 05:37 PM
So one balmy day in heaven St Peter comes by and sees Jesus sitting
on a rock. how about a game of golf? sez St Peter. Sure replies Jesus
So they head over to the heavenly golf course.
They get their clubs and head out to the first tee.
Jesus sez Who should go first? Well sez St Peter You're the Son of
God, why don't you go first.
Ok sez Jesus. He tees up a ball and takes a big whack. The ball goes
straight up in the air, hits a tree limb, bounces straight back down,
hits a rock, bounces back up. An eagle is flying by. It grabs the ball
in its talons, flies over the hole and drops the ball in.

St Peter looks at him and sez "are you gonna fool around or are you
gonna play golf?"

12-19-2012, 05:38 PM
dyslexic guy walks into a bra

12-19-2012, 07:34 PM
2 apples are baking in an oven. One says to the other, "boy it's getting hot in here." and the other one says, "holy sh1t, a talking apple!"

12-19-2012, 07:35 PM
A married man, having spent the evening getting quite looped with his buddies, shows up at home very late. He looks quite disheveled and has a live chicken under his arm. His wife was waiting inside the door with her hands on her hips and steam coming out of her ears.
The husband slurs, "Here is the pig I've been screwing."
The wife says, "That's not a pig, you drunk idiot, it's a chicken".
The husband replies, "I was talking to the chicken."

12-19-2012, 07:52 PM
A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish ?" ...The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?Or if I had asked for a taco wouldyou ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? " The clerk says, "Well, no." "And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk says, "Well, I probably wouldn't." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well,all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot".

12-19-2012, 09:04 PM
This thread sharpened up pretty well after post # 20, IMHO. ;)

12-20-2012, 07:07 AM
How can you tell if someone in the room you're in is an Ironman....

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs in the window?

Curt and Rod.

Jeff N.
12-20-2012, 07:46 AM
What do you get when you mix pizza and lasagna?


12-21-2012, 11:06 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The paddy replied, "These are Carols."

12-21-2012, 02:41 PM
This young kid walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a bottle of gin.

The bartender looks down at him and asks, whaddayawant, nitrogen, hydrogen, or oxygen?

The kids looks up at him and says, yea right, next you're going to tell me there are three kinds of turds, mustard, custard, and you you dumb ****!

I know, it's an old, old joke. Like me

12-21-2012, 02:48 PM
How do you get a twinkie pregnant?

Put it in a box of ding dongs...............

What does an elephant use for a tampon?

A sheep..............

12-22-2012, 01:24 PM
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says to the dentist "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist, puzzled, says, "It sounds like like you need a mental health professional. Why are you telling me?"

Guy says "Your light was on."

Jeff N.
12-22-2012, 02:03 PM
Guy tells his doctor, "My memory is shot, doc! I can't remember ANYTHING anymore!". "How long have you had this problem?", the doctor asks. "What problem?", the guy says.:rolleyes:

Jeff N.
12-22-2012, 02:05 PM
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control pills? A trip without the kids.

12-23-2012, 06:18 PM
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. 
 The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" 
 The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." 
 "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." 
 The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. 
 Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." 
 The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. 
 The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" 
 The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." 
 The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. 
 They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." 
 The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"