OT: leadership/work trip for my 17yo

indyrider · #1 05-22-2016, 07:55 AM

So as every parent of a teenager has most likely experienced, mine has now decided to shut down, lie, cheat, and just become down right mean. His grades are good, holds down a part time server job, and has always been a good kid.
I'm a psych nurse and have extensive experience working with kids, but when it comes to my own

My wife and I are exploring leadership or mission trips for him to see the "real" world and get his hands dirty helping to improve or rebuild a community etc in a lower socioeconomic class in hopes that a little culture and hard work will improve his attitude. Not looking for a boot camp (not yet anyway) and doesnt matter if its affiliated with a religious entity or not.

Anyone have suggestions and/or success stories? Thanks for reading!

eddief · #2 05-22-2016, 08:28 AM

got no experience myself, but sometimes having one, two, or all in a room together with a trained psychologist can make a difference. Sending him off to camp sounds like "sweeping the problem out the door" maybe.

malcolm · #3 05-22-2016, 08:36 AM

My daughter, 15, is still thankfully a good kids and I think for the most part truthful with us. She does however have confidence issues and tends to linger in the shadows and not participate unless forced. Teachers have all loved her and she makes straight As, but most have commented on how she keeps a low profile.

She is doing a NOLS course this summer for two weeks. It was her own idea after a trip last year she and I took to yellowstone and a photographer she met was telling her about doing it when he was young. We are hopeful it will inspire her and bring her out of her shell a little. If not, well hey I'm still thankful for what I've got. Anyway that may be something you want to consider

http://www.nols.edu/

indyrider · #4 05-22-2016, 08:39 AM

Good point and we're looking into that as well. I'm thinking it's more of an entitlement or invincibility thing with him and hoping that being involved in a "hands on, outside of your bubble" trip will help.

93legendti · #5 05-22-2016, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by indyrider

So as every parent of a teenager has most likely experienced, mine has now decided to shut down, lie, cheat, and just become down right mean. His grades are good, holds down a part time server job, and has always been a good kid.
I'm a psych nurse and have extensive experience working with kids, but when it comes to my own

My wife and I are exploring leadership or mission trips for him to see the "real" world and get his hands dirty helping to improve or rebuild a community etc in a lower socioeconomic class in hopes that a little culture and hard work will improve his attitude. Not looking for a boot camp (not yet anyway) and doesnt matter if its affiliated with a religious entity or not.

Anyone have suggestions and/or success stories? Thanks for reading!

I am not sure how you get him to physically go on the trip if what you describe is accurate.

Based upon this "So as every parent of a teenager has most likely experienced, mine has now decided to shut down, lie, cheat, and just become down right mean. His grades are good, holds down a part time server job, and has always been a good kid"

I would look into alternate ways of talking/relating to your child. Good grades and a job, but lies to parents sounds pretty good for a teenager. Not great. Not ideal. But pretty good.

I only have the story of how my aunt and uncle ruined my cousin by expecting him to work and get good grades like my brothers and I ( we didn't work and didn't have his learning disability). I hope he is still on the wagon...last time I saw him he had been arrested again for driving while drunk.

oldpotatoe · #6 05-22-2016, 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by indyrider

So as every parent of a teenager has most likely experienced, mine has now decided to shut down, lie, cheat, and just become down right mean. His grades are good, holds down a part time server job, and has always been a good kid.
I'm a psych nurse and have extensive experience working with kids, but when it comes to my own

My wife and I are exploring leadership or mission trips for him to see the "real" world and get his hands dirty helping to improve or rebuild a community etc in a lower socioeconomic class in hopes that a little culture and hard work will improve his attitude. Not looking for a boot camp (not yet anyway) and doesnt matter if its affiliated with a religious entity or not.

Anyone have suggestions and/or success stories? Thanks for reading!

Outward Bound, great for my kid when he was 15. Raft trip in Utah.

eddief · #7 05-22-2016, 09:17 AM

one of the simplest and most interesting models I learned in my days as an HR professional was something called the Johari Window. The most amazing stuff is that stuff we are doing but are unable to see in ourselves:

http://changingminds.org/disciplines...ari_window.htm

gomango · #8 05-22-2016, 09:38 AM

I'd highly recommend you look into Outward Bound at your earliest convenience.

Their BWCA location is right across the lake from us. I see what they do with young adults all summer long.

Take the time to look into this, I can't imagine you would be disappointed.

http://www.outwardbound.org/

http://www.outwardbound.org/blog/pra...roubled-teens/

weisan · #9 05-22-2016, 09:42 AM

>>mine has now decided to shut down...

What might have prompted him to make that "decision"?
When did it happen?
Might be over time...but what was the trigger?
You may have to work backwards to find out.
It may take outside help to get him to talk openly and reveal his inner thoughts without fear of being misunderstood or judged.

Ralph · #10 05-22-2016, 10:34 AM

Are you forcing religion on him....and he is rebelling? When you mention mission trips....that's what comes to my mind.

jlyon · #11 05-22-2016, 10:37 AM

Now about 14 months later she has come back better than ever.

Why because she realized if she wanted a boyfriend, to get out of the house and get a life she needed to improve in all areas.

Mine was not even passing classes; she failed 3 as a second semester Sophomore.

She went to summer school and that I think was the big eye opener of what crowd she could end up in.

She did so well that the teacher asked her what she was doing in summer school.

Now the grades are back up and she has scored well on the SAT and ACT and want s to go out of town to college.

Why all the change? I think because she landed a good boyfriend who wants those same things.

Funny she still thinks of herself as the world's greatest daughter even though we still catch her in Lies but it has much improved in the last year

I have to admit she is a much better teenager than I was and I turned out OK.
But these are tough years her younger sister is now starting on the same track she was on.

It is hard for those of us with the "let go and let God" philosophy to actually practice it with or own kids.

likebikes · #12 05-22-2016, 11:02 AM

sign him up for the marines.

verticaldoug · #13 05-22-2016, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by indyrider

So as every parent of a teenager has most likely experienced, mine has now decided to shut down, lie, cheat, and just become down right mean. His grades are good, holds down a part time server job, and has always been a good kid.
I'm a psych nurse and have extensive experience working with kids, but when it comes to my own

My wife and I are exploring leadership or mission trips for him to see the "real" world and get his hands dirty helping to improve or rebuild a community etc in a lower socioeconomic class in hopes that a little culture and hard work will improve his attitude. Not looking for a boot camp (not yet anyway) and doesnt matter if its affiliated with a religious entity or not.

Anyone have suggestions and/or success stories? Thanks for reading!

I'd be quiet, watch him like a hawk, but let him work out whatever it is by himself. Boys might be different than girls (I have girls), but when we see changes, we usually just watch at first, but do speak to other parents in the school/friends to see if anything is going on in a broader sense.

Sometimes we just asked, but in your case, the son has shutdown so seems like he is pissed about something. You don't think it is some nasty peer group issue?

I agree a NOLS/camp/something else is just kind shipping the problem out.

Birddog · #14 05-22-2016, 12:43 PM

I sent my son to Outward Bound when he was about 15. He didn't have any negative issues but I thought he lacked confidence. If I had it to do over again, I would opt for NOLs as would he. In any case, it was a very positive experience for him. He is an avid camper hiker, outdoorsman to this day almost 20 years later. There were some misfits in his outfit, but he thought they all learned something positive about team work and getting along. Hiking 15 miles a day for 2 weeks will do that for you. Last year he hiked the Colorado trail, so the desire is still there.

shovelhd · #15 05-22-2016, 01:12 PM

Both of my kids have worked at leadership programs and volunteered at others. They are pretty motivated.

Which brings up how you would present these opportunities to him if he's shutting down. If it's a leadership position that pays, it could be a trade for the server job, but it's late in the game for this summer. OB is great but he has to want to go. How do you sell it? Is he looking at college? Is he concerned about getting into his top choice schools? What motivates him?